Elderly mother giving me silent treatment again

[CoventryAgain]

Sorry this is long. I don't know how to handle it when my mother next decides to speak to me again, just had so much of her manipulation, and I don't feel able for it. She cuts me off fairly regularly for weeks at a time. She will eventually decide I've been punished enough and will contact me, either acting like she spoke to me yesterday or saying something like 'you win' or she has a crisis of some sort I 'need' to know about or she has a health problem. If I say anything to her about ignoring me she will deny it. She's never wrong or she might say 'I must be wrong, I'm always wrong'. Any apology is followed up with 'I said sorry, now we'll say no more about it'.

She lives a few hours drive away from me thankfully so it doesn't impact my daily life too much but it's hard to get it out of my mind as I know she'll eventually make contact again and it could be at any time. I have a very stressful situation going on at the moment which doesn't help. It's nothing to do with her and I couldn't tell her anyway as she would make it all about her, she's very self centred.

I don't feel able to go no contact, partly due to her age/health and knowing I'd have flying monkeys doing my head in. Her friends think she's wonderful and tell me I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful mother. THey wouldn't believe me if I told them. There are times she can be very generous and appreciative of me, but if I do anything wrong the punishment is way in excess of what I might deserve. It can be that I should have done or said something but didn't, or that I shouldn't have done something but did, and I should have known without being told. I'm always on eggshells and it's exhausting.

At over 50 it's only quite recently, with the help of a therapist who has been shocked by some of the revelations I've made, I've begun to see how manipulative and toxic she has been all my life. Please don't tell me I'm being horrible about her, unless you've grown up in an abusive home it's unimaginable. In addition to my mother's behaviour my father was alcoholic and I witnessed violence and arguments from a young age. My husband is supportive but is away and we can only have short phone calls for the next couple of weeks.

If you've got this far thanks and if you can suggest ways to deal with her when she decides my punishment is over, please do.

Block her and only unblock her when you are ready to hear from her.

In the meantime, work on you some more. And then some more and then a little more. You can never do enough when it comes to looking after your own mental health.

If you get the flying monkeys, plead ignorance, ‘no I haven’t had any calls from her’ cause it’s true.

Or, her caller id so you don’t pick up and turn off voicemail so she can’t leave a message. Only answer if you are ready.

Sometimes you need to drop the road and stop playing her game.

I think you should stop having everything on her terms. If you don't feel up to taking her call, don't take it. She clearly enjoys the power she has over you so I would take that away.

What would happen if you wrote a cheerful message and then, when you get no reply, send "Oh for god's sake, you're not still sulking, are you?"

How old is your mum op?

Rope. Not road

You have my every sympathy OP. My flying monkeys opine 'oh but they're old, just put up with it'

...but if I do anything wrong the punishment is way in excess of what I might deserve

Who is it who decides that you have done something wrong?

Why do you think you might deserve punishment?

She's treating you like you are a child being punished for being naughty isn't she? She seems unable to comprehend that you are an adult and don't have to obey her any more. Don't let her get under your skin.

Thanks for the responses, they’re very helpful.
Aussiebean I was afraid of doing that as I felt I’d be really bad to do such a thing, but you’re right that I need to work on me. Even just now I went to block her and didn’t feel able to do that, will see if I can have it so that if she phones it goes straight to voicemail. If I block her I think I’ll still be wondering has she tried to phone me.

HollowTalk, I did send her a message even signed xx but she hasn’t responded. If I said anything to her about sulking she’d lose the plot at me about how much she has on her plate, she’s on her own with no one to help etc. and I never come to see her (she put me off last few times I offered to stay), then there’s be another row and another period of silent treatment.
QueenOfIce she’s 84, had a health episode in the last year but otherwise is healthy, goes to a social club, has friends nearby.

Lisette1940, yes you get it. I told a bit to a cousin recently and he just said oh they’re all like that at that age. But she’s always been like that.
ContactLight, she decides I’ve been bad, yes like a child, she actually said good girl to me recently. I know in my head I don’t deserve this treatment but as my husband says she’s not going to change. In my heart I probably am still feeling like an abused child and have all the fear that goes with it.

As I said to others, I wouldn't put up with this from a friend or husband. The problem is you're born into it and one day you wake up.

How does she normally get in touch with you/ how often.

Keep working with your therapist and check in with them about ways to deal with your mother that protect you. That's what you must put first and what no one else close to the situation will. Btw my mum didn't behave this way at 84. It's not just about age, it's about what kind of person they are. So ignore anyone saying that.

My mother is very similar. I am 49 and I am not putting up with Martyr Beast anymore. I followed up her 2 months of being short with me with 10 months of grey rock. I hope she remembers.

Id get the cousin to let you know if anything happens that you need to know about. I know yr cousin doesnt get it but you dont need him/her to get it. Although i understand that that is awkward.

'Martyr Beast' - . After all I've done for you...

Don’t put it through to voicemail unless you know she won’t leave a message. If there is a message to respond to, you will feel obligated.

If you don’t want to block, maybe get a cheap phone and sim then divert her number to it. You can leave it in the draw and check it when you feel ready. Then you won’t have the constant jump every time the phone rings.

greenwaterbottle normally it would be at least weekly, I’d phone her at the weekends and there might be texts or phone calls during the week if there was something specific. Contact would be about 2/3 me making it.

Thanks GooseberryJam

MonSacEstDu31RueCambon and Lisette1940 Thanks and Martyr Beast made me laugh. Yes there’s a regular ‘After all I’ve done’ type statement from her. Cousin and mothers friends will definitely let me know if anything happens I need to know about, albeit with a tone of ‘where have you been, your poor mother’ about it. I've been doing a degree of grey rock but evidently not enough, that will change.

Aussiebean, I’ve got as far as setting my phone so that if she phones or texts me my phone won’t make a sound. I’m really struggling with completely blocking her for whatever reason, it’s very frustrating.

I know from all the previous times she’s done this that she will eventually decide to ‘forgive’ me. My difficulty is what do I do at that point, I’m feeling more fragile than usual and just want her to stop this behaviour for good, but know I can’t make her do or not do anything. Thanks for all the advice, it’s a weight off to not have people saying I’m horrid to not want to go running to be nice to her.

I get the reverse of this with my adult DC. Everything will be fine then suddenly they will give me the silent treatment leaving me worrying myself sick over what I've done and how I can get things back to normal. They will then deny anything is wrong. Several cycles of this has left me so anxious 😥

I really feel for you. I have cut contact with my mother a year ago. I'm 52 she's 82. The guilt is horrible but I absolutely must have nothing to do with her. She is toxic. I've had many many years of therapy resulting from childhood trauma and it damaged me greatly. Finally, at a time I was trying to help her, she told people- including the police- that I was abusing her and she was scared of me. All because she couldn't get her own way about something. That's not an exaggeration. It was that which was the final straw. It's not about anger or not forgiving, it's because she will always be like this and I'm not going to tolerate it any more. I don't owe her anything. You must put your own emotional and psychological well being first. Good luck xx

When she doed decide to forgive you, i think, this time, you will be like i was 2 years ago. My mother had done something so hurtful in public too, well in front of aunts uncles and cousins. When I later in private called her out on it, I got 2 months of martyr beast. When she decided to get down off the cross i found the different inclination calling me. Not relief to have smoothed things over but a disinclination instead to stay unforgiven. I had "sat with the awkeardness" of displeasing her for so long i understood finally, i dont care as much as i used to care

I have gone NC with my sister and mother - they are peas in a pod and I am their scapegoat.

Going NC half killed me. The guilt, the upset, the heartbreak. But I had to stick to my guns because I couldn't take their shit anymore. My sister is the worse of the two.

My sister is blocked and I have caller ID and have no answerphone (just like Aussiebean said - it's a good move).

You don't have to put up with that shit. It's not fair and it's fucking upsetting. Some people just have to chip away at others to feel better about themselves.

I expect the next contact from my sister will be when my mother dies. That will no doubt be my fault too.

They are not all like this at this age - my dad is 85 and continues to be a kind and loving father to me.

Your DM is cruel to you but probably not deliberately- she’s just being her. How you let it wash over you I don’t really know, but yes to YOU choosing what happens next. She will get in touch, make sure that is to voicemail only. When you get a text/voicemail, force yourself not to respond immediately. Think very carefully what you want to say before communicating at all with her. Don’t talk on the phone.

I understand and I think you have 3 choices

1. NC
2. Continue as you are
3. Ignore the fact that she's practicing emotional abuse and text happy jolly breezy texts about your day/week/the weather

With 3 you get to take the high road but avoid in any way accepting her abuse. Simply ignore it but interact with your mum which avoids guilt - if you've never tried 3 (the fear often precludes is taking our own path in this abusive relationship) do try it. It can be so cathartic

I had years of this with my mother. I finally went no contact with her 13 years ago and feel not a shred of guilt. It was of her own making.