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Original poster

Pregnant and unmarried, not sure whether it's an issue

90 replies

TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 16:14

Have been with DP for 10 years, living together for 8. We are expecting our first DC - planned.
I am feeling a little anxious about not being married, for no specific reason (we are doing great and he is perfect) than that it seems sensible financially, for the benefit of the child, for legal protection etc if anything were to go tits up.
I presume I could get this in other ways such as having wills made, life insurance etc. We jointly own a house but one half would not auto go to the other. We can get that changed.

Are there any other big important reasons to just get on and do it? Or is it fine to be casual?

Thing is the idea of a wedding to me is horrific, I do not want a public display. He doesn't, either.
However, he feels very awkward about explaining that to family, worrying they will be put out.
We have gone through the motions of trying to plan something, many hours of discussion about type of venue, keeping it simple, who to invite. It all ends up being stressful and we stop discussing it.
Then, I got pregnant. I am jot being a pregnant bride, I feel shit enough in this pregnancy as it is without putting my massive body on display.
So we vaguely said we will do something when the child is a bit older. That hasn't been defined, it could be years until we have the energy to sort something. He won't actually do any of the organising. I wouldn't mind organising.. but i resent having to for something i don't want to do anyway! I would rather go to a reg office and have a little elopement holiday. May family would not care, and i am certain his would not either (100% sure i am right on this). I think he has some difficulty with this, so I am very patient with him and I understand. However, i don't want to end up in a pickle because he couldn't face up to dealing with the problem.
I'd love to hear MNs thoughts on this. I keep hearing that MN is usually adamant that people are stupid not to get married. I'd like to understand clear reasons for this that couldn't be resolved through other legal means.
And i have suggested we do it secretly so we are legally protected but don't have to tell anyone but he doesnt like the idea of the lie to his family.

OP posts:
Happyspud · 17/07/2019 16:16

If you are intending to keep working to a level that you and the child can be financially comfortable single handedly, you don’t need to be married. But marriage protects your and child’s interests and financial state better if having that child will impact your earnings in any way. Also next of kin issues etc and inheritance etc if your DP suddenly died or something.

You don’t need a wedding to have a marriage.

MrPickles73 · 17/07/2019 16:16

A friend of mine had a lovely wedding when her 1st daughter was 18 months but there's nothing to say you have to have a big wedding. You can just go to a registry office?

Happyspud · 17/07/2019 16:17

Sooooooooooooo many women in this world can’t afford their children (to a comfortable life level). Those women need to be married to the person they decide to trust to be their child’s father.

SquirellTamer · 17/07/2019 16:20

My DH and I got married in a registry office with just our siblings watching. We then went home. We are no less married then as if we had a big do. Does your DP want to get married?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2019 16:25

Just go to a registry office and get hitched.
Don't tell anyone.
Don't wear rings.
You don't need to make any of this a big deal.

PicsInRed · 17/07/2019 16:26

If you're financially independent (and can remain so), don't marry.

If you will financially depend on your partner, marry. Registry office and dinner after. Done.

Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 16:28

Ahh I see. Assuming I keep my current salary level, I could afford to be a single parent and pay for childcare. Probably. I should do some maths! We would both get a death in service benefit that goes to the other, obviously no guarantee long term.

The house is a tricky one, we would have to sell it. I couldn't afford to then buy, but we would be ok. I'd have family backup if the worst happened (no job no home). I had been planning to have a sit down with him and go through all the finances and disaster planning and make note of all records accounts and where things are, correct any problems. Hoping to use any guidance on this thread to make sure I cover it all.

I realise you can go to a reg office. This would be my preference. But he has funny ideas about offending family members. He is worried about regretting not having the family gathering. Then, when we talk about just having a meal after reg for close family, it keeps getting bigger... and bigger... our families live at opposite ends of the country. So where do we have it? Do we pay for accommodation? If it's near his, is it rude not to invite aunts and uncles? Yes? What about my aunts and uncles? Suddenly we have a guest list of 50+.

So again, I repeat. Can we just do it in a local reg office, alone, or with parents if we must? No, he hates the idea. (So do I, I would rather skip all formalities and just sign a bit of paper in the post please!! But I can get over it, surely he can).

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 17/07/2019 16:29

Registry office wedding, tell no one.

You could probably do the necessary legal work to have most of the same rights but it would be a lot more expensive and stressful then a low key wedding. Your financial life will be very fluid in the next few years and it would be very difficult to keep on top of it. If you're married or civil partnership it would just happen.

Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 16:30

Yes, we both would like to be married.

OP posts:
Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 16:33

So, if he won't currently agree to do registry office alone, or in secret, what can I say to convince him of why it's so important that we do it now, rather than more of a party with wider family later?
I have suggested it would probably just never happen. Maybe I just need to explain all the legal and financial risks bot being married has on both of us (but presumably mostly me?)

OP posts:
Chilledout11 · 17/07/2019 16:34

Just get married in a registry office and if you want to have your parents ask them both to yours for a special occasion (meal to celebrate the pregnancy or whatever) and then you all pop in to the registry office. I think I would do it before you have the baby as it's on your mind.

PicsInRed · 17/07/2019 16:35

The house is a tricky one, we would have to sell it. I couldn't afford to then buy

Well, that's the trick, being married may mean that the family court requires your partner to stay on the mortgage, enabling you to remain in the "family home" - to ensure that the children of the marriage have adequate and secure housing. Unmarried, they would not.

That's worth considering.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2019 16:35

My husband and I got married at the registry office. Best decision ever. Your partner is being ridiculous about what his family thinks - it's not their concern and they don't have to like it. Remind him of all the money you'll save by not having a big party, may be that will give his head a wobble.

Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 16:38

@PicsInRed definitely agree with this. I can change the deed so it goes to me if he dies, but I can't stay in our family home if we split and he wants to sell. This protection would be valuable. For either of us! I might run off with the milkman or something.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 16:42

Another vote for just get married in a registry office and don't invite ANYONE.

Your families will understand.

ContactLight · 17/07/2019 16:43

Oh go on - just get married Grin

Then organise the party afterwards. That way you don't have any stress connected with the day of your wedding.

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2019 16:44

Next of kin - if something happens to one of you, neither of you get a say at the hospital or after. It would be down to your respective parents.

Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 16:44

The most frustrating thing is he is the tightest with money I have ever known. He would begrudge every £ spent on it. The solution is so obvious to me, and I can't get to the root of what his problem is.
As an example of his misplaced worry about his family, he was terrified to tell them we were expecting. I was mystified, I know them and they were going to be overjoyed. He stressed on the lead up to the date, had to do a special visit home to announce it, he was so nervous. They are lovely people, it was always going to be fine. He was also so worried about his granddad being angry as he is traditional and we were not married. He was FINE.

Maybe I just need to lose patience completely and put my foot down and say, we are going to get this piece of bloody paper, deal with it. But that doesn't really sound like the best way of starting a marriage! Why can't it be a bit romantic and fun instead of complicated stress.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/07/2019 16:46

Just do it on the quiet without telling anyone, your DP's parents aren't going to get to go to a wedding anyway at this rate are they?

Gustavo1 · 17/07/2019 16:46

My cousin got married in a registry office. Didn’t invite anyone other than asking their parents to meet them in x town on x date and they then took them to the registry office. We all got a nice text to say they were now married but hadn’t wanted a wedding. No one was offended. Cousin has sisters who weren’t offended either x

AnotherEmma · 17/07/2019 16:46

For goodness sake just go to the registry office! You both want to be married, which is perfectly sensible, JUST DO IT. Invite your parents only or have random witnesses. You could always have a very small party at some point afterwards and announce that you got married.

On a practical note you can get the married tax allowance if married and eligible.

Other differences:
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 16:48

Actually I think he might be having an inner battle with the part of him that wants to be a normal person who can have a wedding and it not be a big deal, and act like everyone else, and the part of him who rebels against that and wants to go against social expectation. Mixed in with a dose of major social anxiety. He is so very much like me. But at the end of the day I can make a decision and just suck it up, while he prefers to stick his head in the sand.

OP posts:
Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 16:50

I appreciate all you who are saying JFDI because I completely agree! But I can't force him! Sorry if this is a frustrating problem with no solution but eh, it's mumsnet Grin

OP posts:
Karigan195 · 17/07/2019 16:51

This really depends entirely on you and your own circumstances. I am also pregnant and not married. I want my DP to be my life DP. He has suggested marriage in the past but after a divorce in which which my total wanker of an ex tried to get maintenance for life and half my pension marriage seems an unnecessary risk to me. But that’s because I’m the higher earner.

If you’re giving up work or financial independence then marriage would give you an element of security should anything happen.

Take a good long look at your situation and asses it objectively and see if you will be screwed if he trots off without any legal assistance or security. Yes you can claim child payments but you have more rights to assets if married etc.

Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 16:52

My brother just went on holiday and did a registry office, alone with random witnesses. My family did not care, it was fun. His first marriage, big white wedding, went tits up anyway.

OP posts:
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