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Original poster

Pregnant and unmarried, not sure whether it's an issue

90 replies

TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 16:14

Have been with DP for 10 years, living together for 8. We are expecting our first DC - planned.
I am feeling a little anxious about not being married, for no specific reason (we are doing great and he is perfect) than that it seems sensible financially, for the benefit of the child, for legal protection etc if anything were to go tits up.
I presume I could get this in other ways such as having wills made, life insurance etc. We jointly own a house but one half would not auto go to the other. We can get that changed.

Are there any other big important reasons to just get on and do it? Or is it fine to be casual?

Thing is the idea of a wedding to me is horrific, I do not want a public display. He doesn't, either.
However, he feels very awkward about explaining that to family, worrying they will be put out.
We have gone through the motions of trying to plan something, many hours of discussion about type of venue, keeping it simple, who to invite. It all ends up being stressful and we stop discussing it.
Then, I got pregnant. I am jot being a pregnant bride, I feel shit enough in this pregnancy as it is without putting my massive body on display.
So we vaguely said we will do something when the child is a bit older. That hasn't been defined, it could be years until we have the energy to sort something. He won't actually do any of the organising. I wouldn't mind organising.. but i resent having to for something i don't want to do anyway! I would rather go to a reg office and have a little elopement holiday. May family would not care, and i am certain his would not either (100% sure i am right on this). I think he has some difficulty with this, so I am very patient with him and I understand. However, i don't want to end up in a pickle because he couldn't face up to dealing with the problem.
I'd love to hear MNs thoughts on this. I keep hearing that MN is usually adamant that people are stupid not to get married. I'd like to understand clear reasons for this that couldn't be resolved through other legal means.
And i have suggested we do it secretly so we are legally protected but don't have to tell anyone but he doesnt like the idea of the lie to his family.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 17/07/2019 16:55

We had. Alow key registry office wedding and it was perfect. Don't spend years on mat leave or working part time as you will have reduced income potential and no pension if you split. Marriage protects from this.

SignedUpJust4This · 17/07/2019 16:56

Sorry didn't word that well. Obviously you will have some pension but not as much as you should.

LittleAndOften · 17/07/2019 16:57

Have you got life insurance? We had DS before we were married. We bought a house together first and ensured the life insurance covered us in case something should happen. We married 8 months after DS was born - just a small affair, 20 people. I felt so much more secure afterwards.

PotteringAlong · 17/07/2019 16:57

Vegas?

Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 16:58

@Karigan195 that is so sad. It's easy to think our loved ones would not do that to us. But you never can tell someone's true self until you see how they treat you as an ex.
I feel that I would be pretty secure except for the house thing. I do have a vague plan to go part time when I return. So my earnings will be impacted.

However current plan is for us to share all income equally, so when I am earning zero after a while on mat leave, he gives me half his salary, so it isn't just me losing out while he stacks up savings. This was his idea, he is very keen to be financially fair and a good feminist over all this so far!
So if I go PT or earn less we will pool all earnings and split equally.

OP posts:
Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 17:00

@SignedUpJust4This didn't consider pension, thanks for that very helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 17:02

No life insurance, I calculated based on the death in service benefits we have from our jobs, which is 3x annual salary lump sum we can nominate who gets it, don't have to be married. While this is in place even life insurance company said we don't really need it.
I would want to get it if we changed jobs and no longer had this.

OP posts:
Englishrosegarden · 17/07/2019 17:05

Civil Partnerships will be legal for heterosexual couples by the end of the year, maybe that would be an option?

LittleAndOften · 17/07/2019 17:06

Honestly, job security is not guaranteed, neither is your health. I would seriously look into life insurance too. Don't wait until your circumstances change - it doesn't need to be expensive.

Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 17:06

Conscious of outing myself (hi DP if you ever read this, I doubt it) but Vegas is a no go. Suggested it but he is quite socialist/liberal/anti-capitalist and the idea of a city in the desert where people squander money when it could go to good causes is not his cup of tea ! Maybe I should suggest Gretna. I think he would hate that for being a cliche...

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 17/07/2019 17:06

Well if he was a "good feminist" he would listen to you when you say that marriage is important to you and you want to do it.

Have you discussed baby's surname? Hopefully you will give baby your own surname (by itself or with DP's surname in addition)?

Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 17:09

He does listen, and he does agree with the principle. He just can't get over his anxiety enough to make the decision. I suffer a lot with anxiety so I am trying to be patient.

Current plan is to give baby my surname. I don't like the idea of having to change it later, feels confusing and messy for the child. I guess if we did it before school years then not a big deal. He will also have palpitations about telling his parents their GC will not have the family name I imagine, but nothing he can do about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TumbleTwit · 17/07/2019 17:11

Civil partnerships. I thought of this too but feels like it will result in the same problem. It's not the institution of marriage that is an issue. We would have to go through the same process. And there is no way on earth he will want to explain that one to his dad!!!

OP posts:
LittleAndOften · 17/07/2019 17:14

There are some really lovely 'elopement' specialist venues in the UK now OP. You don't need to go to Gretna or Vegas. What do you want? A celebration for family or just the certificate?

RandomNameChange415 · 17/07/2019 17:18

Whatever you do about marriage you should make wills immediately. It can make allowance for any children you have in the future, and can even be written so it still holds good after you marry. But if either of you fall under a bus tomorrow the other would be screwed.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/07/2019 17:18

It's all very well pooling family income but your career will be impacted in a way that his won't, which will affect you in the longer term, possibly way beyond your child growing up and leaving home. If you do separate (and very few of us go into marriage thinking we will separate) I assume you'll be the resident parent (seeing as you'll have been your child's main carer up to that point) which again will affect your earning capacity. A divorce settlement will at least take this into account when deciding on a division of assets.

Of course there are people who still get screwed over in a divorce but my point is, at least they're entitled to a part of something, whereas cohabitees are entitled to no recognition at all for their career sacrifice. I'd rather have part of a smaller pot than not be entitled to anything in the first place.

RandomNameChange415 · 17/07/2019 17:20

The thing about civil partnerships is that it might be an easier sell to in-laws. “We’ve got a civil partnership - it’s just an admin thing to make sure all our money’s sorted out as a couple. We did it in a rather boring appointment at the town hall - obviously nobody else would have wanted to come, it’s not like a wedding at all.”

PotteringAlong · 17/07/2019 17:21

No life insurance, I calculated based on the death in service benefits we have from our jobs, which is 3x annual salary lump sum we can nominate who gets it, don't have to be married

Unless you earn a sodding fortune this is nowhere near enough. Say you earn £35k. So death in service is £105k. You’ve dropped down to part time, your DP is now dead so you’re paying for the lot, including childcare etc for 1? 2? 3? Children?

You need a lot more life insurance in an ideal world. We also have critical illness cover for the children which means that if, god forbid, one of them gets (for example) cancer and has to have a parent in hospital long term and so we loose one salary it will pay out and we’re ok financially.

HollowTalk · 17/07/2019 17:22

What would he have against you inviting your parents and his parents and all of you going for a nice meal after a short registry office wedding? That's almost as simple as you can get. What would he object to about that? If you could go on holiday immediately afterwards, that would be lovely - let your parents explain everything!

MonSacEstDu31RueCambon · 17/07/2019 17:24

Do not allow yr job to take second fiddle.

Gustavo1 · 17/07/2019 17:24

Would you change your surname on marriage? If so you could use this as further registry office carrot. You can just tell family that you have “legalised” your relationship. You are married but haven’t had a wedding??!!

Lwmommy · 17/07/2019 17:25

Make it part of a weekend away somewhere with no link to any family. Literally any city in the UK, book it all in advance at a registrars office and be done with it.

We got hitched in Vegas and loved it, but not everyone's cup of tea. Is there anywhere you've been to before and have special memories of?

MonSacEstDu31RueCambon · 17/07/2019 17:26

Give chils yr name. Only tiny bit of leverage you have

HollowTalk · 17/07/2019 17:28

If he's a bit mean with his money you'd have to be crazy to not get married to him, given you love him and are having his baby. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst - if it all went wrong you'd be in a nightmare situation. Hopefully it won't and all will be well, but don't take big actions based on sentiment.

GreenTulips · 17/07/2019 17:37

There are a lot of venues that live stream weddings

So family could gather on the sofa and watch with a glass of champagne (Gretna is one of them)

You could speak to his family and ask what they think of you marrying alone - see what they say