Tips for a long and happy marriage?

[Bookaholic73]

Myself and my fiancé were chatting last night about what’s important to us in a marriage.

Neither of us come from parents that stayed together, so I thought I’d ask you all!

What are your tips for a long and happy marriage?
Apart from not shagging other people, obviously

My oh and I had this chat a few months ago and we agreed that, on top of loving and trusting eachother we need to ensure we also have these 3:
Communication, if you can't talk to eachother about things, nothing will ever be resolved. Clearly as you have had this chat you've got that box ticked.
Time, give eachother time, both alone, together as a couple and with the children if when you have them.
Priority, make sure you're always in eachothers top 5 priorities, not always number one and even if it's just a quick check in to ask eachother "are you happy?"

Honesty, talking about everything, calling them out when needed (if something bothers you say it!) and taking criticism too!!, good compromising, not holding to disappointment etc as they only turn into resentments. Don’t hold each other on pedestals, we are all only human and can make mistakes and bad decisions. Make time for each other but also for yourself. And lots more!! 😂

Bob I agree that communication is key.
Time without the children is something we try and do every Sunday.
And as well as the kids, we are each other’s priority.

Great list, thanks for sharing!

We agreed at the very beginning that no relatives would ever be living with us in years to come!

Communication. DP and I messed up on this one and it might be terminal. I wish I had been prepared to be more forceful about things which made me unhappy years ago. It might have made things better. It might have led to a timely break up before children became involved to suffer the fall out, which would also have been better, although I can't imagine a life without them.

Let the wife have the remote control.

Being serious though, communication, respect and friendship were the things that made our marriage wonderful. It worked for us for 20 years (18 married). Being kind to each other and doing thoughtful things - DH would buy me a magazine, cookery book or even a packet of biscuits if he saw them and thought I'd like them, or would suddenly decide we needed cake and would go out to the 24 hour supermarket, or record films/TV shows he knew I would appreciate.

But the only source of constant angst was his grip on the sky remote...

@Yellowweatherwarning that’s a good one!

@SoundofSilence sorry to hear that. I’m pretty forthright in what I will and will not put up with. Too much so sometimes.
@AndNoneForGretchenWieners your husband sounds like a wonderful man.

Be a team. So communicate well, plan together. No big decisions without each other.

We have always found that regular budget meetings really help with the money side so no one feels hard done by.

And regular time to be alone and remember why you got together in the first place. DH and I sent DD away and painted the living room together recently. Really reminded me why I love him. We had a great time pretending to be in our twenties again.

Don't marry a sexist is my top tip.

bookaholic he was the best.

Communication!

But not just thinking that chatting about your day at work is enough. Having difficult conversations that need to be had like when you're feeling down letting him know that maybe you need space to deal with it yourself so he doesn't keep asking you if you're ok or if he doesn't notice right away go away thinking that you're angry at him when it's something else

And take care of yourself. I followed a course of CBT and mindfulness when my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's cos I knew I was gonna have to deal with her and my marriage and if I didn't have the tools to stop me crumbling there'd be no one to pick up the pieces

CBT helps on on a daily basis to asses how I'm doing and to ask for help emotionally if it's what's needed, to pay attention to him and to be there for him without feeling like it's my fault etc

I've only been married 10 years so not exactly a pro. But my number one (though I agree with many before me, especially the sexist one!) is to not put your marriage on the back burner for your children. Do not assume you can pause your marriage and resume at a later date. Obviously some things pause particularly at the new born stage, but make time for each other, have time alone, work WITH not against each other. That's the main thing I learned not to do looking at my own parent's marriage. And do not put your children on a pedestal to be worshipped, remember your partner (and you) need care and attention too.

Remember to have a laugh. Don’t be afraid to be silly and have fun with your partner.

Connect physically. Not a popular opinion on MN, but someone told me- men need sexy to feel loved and women need love to have sex and I feel like that’s been true for my experience. So we find time to connect in a way that is meaningful for both of us.

Find someone kind. Someone who likes you as well as loves you. Shared values make decisions easier. I don't think you have to have lots of shared interests but you need some. Find someone who makes you laugh. Your family needs to be your priority, that doesn't mean the wider family doesn't count but being with someone who cares more about what their parents think that what you think is very lonely. Good sex will come and go but tenderness and physical closeness shouldn't.

I agree with the above advice and would add “don’t expect it to feel like champagne and roses every day”
A long term stable marriage/relationship can go through quiet/difficult patches. That doesn’t mean the end. Those are the times that being good friends gets you through.

Married 30 years.

Commit and don't get divorced ( violence and/or adultery would mean divorce asap though) , just stay and work through the shit times together. Some years are better than others,as long as the good years outweigh the bad you're half way there. We both made it very clear early on unfaithfulness wouldn't be tolerated and and so trust is important. We don't communicate brilliantly- both strong minded- but as we know each other so well things are easier to sort out.

My sister and I have long marriages and come from divorced parents.

don’t expect it to feel like champagne and roses every day

Totally agree, love for me is when dh fills up the car for me on a Sunday as I hate doing it, when he mows the lawn and brings me a cuppa in bed at the weekends etc. It's small things that make a person feel loved not extravagant gestures.

Laugh together, cry together and love together. We are best friends. We learnt early in our married life to say sorry and make up (lots of making up) before we went to sleep.
We've been married for nearly 40 years so it's worked for us.

Communication

Total honesty

Appreciation

Being a team

Go to bed at the same time as each other (for most of the time)

I agree about the little things @LoafofSellotape, small acts of kindness make me feel very treasured.

I would agree with lots of these.

Going to bed at the same time
Being best friends
Communication without anger and blame
Make each other the priority before work,otherwise friends and family (apart from children)
Make time to be alone together doing things which don’t involve staring at screens
Faithfulness
Compromise
Showing love and consideration every day
Empathy
Give each other space to do things separately and see other friends
Kindness
Taking an interest in each other’s hobbies and thoughts
Not speaking in anger if possible but take time to reflect
Clear boundaries. I am amazed how many people on here think it’s okay for their husband to be out drinking half the night or turning up in the small hours.
Co parent and share chores

Communication, say what you mean, don't hint or expect your DH to be a mind reader.

Be kind, when you want to kill them for some little thing, just stop for a second and consider whether it is really worth an argument, or whether you are just having a bad day.

I think a large part of it is also choosing the right partner in the first place, someone who shares most of your values, including how finances should be arranged, how to parent, and how clean/tidy the house needs to be.

I think the biggest thing is marrying the right person. My DH and I very very rarely argue and it's because we basically agree on the important things - attitude to money, parenting style, way of thinking (we are both rational /logical types), how we like to spend our time. We do communicate well, but I think equally important is that we communicate naturally in the same ways.