What should I expect from him?

[UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername]

I'm very overweight. I lost 3 stone last year but put some of it back on over the winter. I've been trying to lose the rest because it's affecting my health. DH is overweight too, and we're both diabetic.

I was feeling upset and discouraged this morning because the weightloss hasn't been going well, and talked to DH about it. I said I'd like to go back to eating very low carb (I know it's a faddy diet but it's good for my blood sugar, and it's what worked last year). He agreed. I've been struggling a bit emotionally lately, which he knows; my GP mentioned increasing my antidepressant dose but was reluctant because of the risk of weight gain as a side effect. I'm still perfectly functional but emotionally raw, if that makes sense.

DH made me lunch while I was showering after the gym: a packet of pancetta, fried and put in a brioche bun. I asked him what about the conversation we'd had this morning about carbs? I've been asking him for help with this for years and I swear, it feels like he's actively sabotaging me. He brings piles of chocolate and sugary crap into the house, if he cooks he adds masses of fat to everything and today he got angry, started banging things around, and said I was being ungrateful by not eating the pancetta sandwich.

I have this fantasy of him being interested, maybe asking whether I stuck to my calorie goal for today, maybe smiling and saying 'well done' if I did. But it seems that mostly what I get is complete lack of interest, with the occasional bout of actively making it harder for me. What's a realistic expectation of a spouse in a medically important weight-loss situation?

He should at the very least be listening to and supporting your choices and, if he’s going to cook for you, making sure it’s something which fits in with that. If he’s also overweight and diabetic then he’d do well to join you in changing your eating together and being able to support and encourage each other.

It sounds like he doesn’t want you to lose weight, possibly because he’d then feel even more self-conscious about his own weight, possibly because he’s insecure about you attracting attention from other men when you look slimmer and more attractive.

Put the above to him, and see what he says in response.

Why the fuck would he cook you a really fatty, salty unhealthy sandwich after you've had a conversation about going low carbs?

There's something really fucked going on there. Does the thought of you losing weight make him insecure?

Incredibly selfish behaviour - and dangerous too if you're diabetic.

I would go nuclear on HIM not the other way around. Really unsupportive and positively destructive.

I agree that he is sabotaging your efforts, whether consciously or subconsciously.
But don’t use it as an excuse not to help yourself.
Just because he makes it for you, it doesn’t mean you have to eat it.
Just say something like “thanks, but I’m eating low carb like we discussed earlier” and make yourself something else.
Same with all the junk food he brings home, just becyits there, doesn’t mean you have to eat it.

I didn't eat it, I got some salad.

Does he force feed you! If not, you’re responsible for your own health. Either way though he’s a dick!

Well done, that’s a great start.
Once he sees that you are serious, he might stop trying to bring you crap food.
Me and my OH are always saying we should eat less crap...then we both bring home crap food.
Maybe if thats the case for you 2, he is just doing what he is used to you both doing?

Agree you're responsible for your own health. Take charge of making your own meals and the weight will soon start dropping off. Leave him to his unhealthy, fatty diet, piles of chocolate and sugary crap.

I know I'm responsible for my own health, it's more having to deal with his strop about me being ungrateful that's bothering me.

His strop about you being 'ungrateful' is total bollox. Why on earth should you be grateful about someone totally ignoring your intentions to eat healthily?

It smacks of gaslighting too.

Do not apologise, Point out to him that you're serious about losing weight and you need him to help you, not sabotage you.

I've pointed that out many times over the years, it hasn't made any difference. He mainly just gets angry because I'm criticising him.

Is he making g any effort to control his own weight and diabetes? If not it's possible he will resent your attempts, particularly as you've been successful previously,

Whatever, he's responsible for his own choices - and if I was you I'd buy my own healthy food, let him have it if he wants, but if not he can make what he wants for himself.

How do you do your good shopping?

*food shopping!!!

We more or less take turns doing the food shop, but I can take it over fairly easily. He does tend to end up in a shop every time he leaves the house regardless though.

No, he's not really making any effort. He says he's going to but doesn't actually do it.

Cook for yourself
Shop for yourself
Get some boxes and store all the unhealthy stuff in it, I did this and it was a reminder that that this was not my food. Worked for me, good luck and keep going.

I do most of the cooking, I can separate the crap food (though when I'm struggling with depression and anxiety, it can be brutally hard to ignore the stash, hence the repeated pleas with him to not have it in the house!). But I find myself questioning a relationship that has me fighting against him as well as myself.

I do think that whenever two people who are friends/partners try to lose weight, one often tries to sabotage the other. I think a lot is to do with not wanting the other to succeed when they feel they themselves will fail.

I had a situation like this years ago with a partner.

We were both fat, and I wanted to lose weight. He'd agree with me when we talked about it, but he'd do things like order a surprise takeaway as a treat, boxes of chocolate etc.

Turned out he wanted me to stay fat, because while I was fat and feeling not very confident he thought I'd feel lucky to have him, if I improved myself in some way I might look around for something better.

Is he an ex now, sneaky?

Firstly low carb isn't a fad diet. It doesn't have to be at least. I've been on a great plan with food and quick exercises not lasting more than 15 mins. And it's been a lifestyle change. I eat so many veggies and a certain amount of protein. No carbs mostly but once I'm done loosing weight I'll add in some healthy carbs again.

Secondly. He should be supportive but I found a lot of people don't like it when you make healthy choices because they feel bad about themselves. It's weird really.
If I was you I'd just go ahead with whatever programme you choose and do it. Set yourself a time like 8 weeks for example. It makes it more achievable. And then do another 8 weeks if you like to loose more.
It will work. Take before and after pics for motivation too.
If he's not on board yet that's fine but you are trying to become healthier and he needs to respect that. Just do your thing and show him what you can achieve you got this!

If you scratched the surface of your husband you will find fear lurking there. Fear that you will succeed and he will feel unsuccessful in his weight loss, fear that you might attract someone else slimmer, fear that you won't find him attractive anymore....I could go on but I think you've got the gist of it. These are his own issues...keep going, fight your anxiety and go lose that weight and be the healthiest you can be.

Ironically, what he's doing is making him unattractive anyway.

He could at least have asked you if you wanted it before he made it, after he conversation you had. I think it sounds like he did that deliberately.

But I find myself questioning a relationship that has me fighting against him as well as myself.

This. If it wasn't about food it would be something else. If you are undecided, can you have a break and take some time for yourself?

No, we have kids so no chance of a break.

Yes he's an ex, from about 10 years ago. I weigh 9st 10 now and am engaged.