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Original poster

AIBU to tell him not to see her any more?

48 replies

WineWineFloor · 17/07/2019 11:14

NC for this but long term poster.

Long story short (hopefully haha) - been with DP for a year and a half. We both have young DCs from previous marriages (not relevant but to give context to our backgrounds).

Due to various family circumstances and some emotional turmoil, we had a break a few months ago for about a month, during which time he slept with someone else a couple of times.

Once we were back together, he continued to see her, which I was understandably (I think) not happy about. He told me that they had been friends before, and he didn't want to ruin that friendship. He felt nothing romantic for her, and sleeping with her was a mistake, and just something that he was trying because he was upset about him and me breaking up.

I'm TRYING to be the "cool girlfriend" but it's making me jealous and insecure to know that he is still spending time with her. I've told him that I'm not happy about it, and I've also found out that he's seen her a few times and not told me about it - i.e. lied about where he has been.

AIBU to ask him to not see her, at least not on his own? I don't want to be controlling, or tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but I don't understand why he wants to spend time with someone that he's previously had sex with? And why does SHE want to be spending time with another woman's partner?

It's really stressing me, and I could really do with some objective opinions. Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 11:17

You're not losing your mind, he's being completely unfair.

Have you got children with this man? If not, DON'T! I'd finish it. Don't invest time in someone like this.

rightteous · 17/07/2019 11:18

I wouldn’t put up with this!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 11:19

He shouldn't be spending time with her out of respect for you.

How would he feel if you'd slept with someone and continued to hang out with them?

I don't think it's being controlling, but he should be offering to stop seeing her, not you having to ask.

Original poster
WineWineFloor · 17/07/2019 11:20

No, no children with him.

Is this unsalvageable then?

OP posts:
Original poster
WineWineFloor · 17/07/2019 11:22

Exactly - I don't want to have to ask him, but I think he should be respectful of how it would make me feel.

I want to give him the reverse scenario and see how he feels - he surely wouldn't be happy about me hanging out - alone! - with someone I've recently slept with.

I'm so confused because apart from this, everything is great. I know people say that and I can feel the eye-rolls from here (!) but it really is. When we are together, it's absolutely fine. It's when we aren't that all the doubts and insecurities creep in, and I feel like I can't believe what he says now, as he's lied before.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/07/2019 11:22

Look, you want someone who's 100% for you. He's not, I'm afraid, no matter what he says. Tell him to take a running jump.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 17/07/2019 11:22

How long have they been friends?

If there was nothing insidious about it then why wouldn’t he be honest about seeing her as a friend? It does sound odd.

Original poster
WineWineFloor · 17/07/2019 11:24

He says he knew it would upset me, which is why he wasn't honest about it. He did say that he could see my point of view, and offered for me to meet her to allay any fears, but he has at no point offered to stop seeing her.

OP posts:
Vesperia · 17/07/2019 11:24

you obviously don't trust him & maybe rightly so - even so the trust is no longer there so I think i'd quit while I could

NerdyBird · 17/07/2019 11:25

The thing is, if you do say to him how would he feel if it was the other way round then if course he's going to say he'd be fine with it, because he wants to keep seeing her.

I'd ditch him.

Original poster
WineWineFloor · 17/07/2019 11:46

Has anyone ever had this sort of situation that's been resolved?

I know the sensible thing is to ditch him, but I feel like I've invested a lot in this, and don't want to throw it away... or am I just being one of those women who fails to see the light?

OP posts:
Sparadrap · 17/07/2019 11:55

I’d be worried that your relationship isn’t very strong. You say you broke up due to family circumstances and emotional turmoil. If your relationship was a good one, this sort of thing brings you closer together. You lean and support each other during the bad times. Not split up, sleep with someone else and come back when things are sorted.

I wouldn’t trust this man to be a good, solid partner long term. And I wouldn’t trust him around the OW. Sorry Flowers

HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 11:58

My friend has just found out that her DH of 15 years is back in touch with the woman he slept with for a few weeks RIGHT after the birth of their first baby.

She went mad and he said "She's just a friend though"

She's told him she wants a divorce.

They've got a home and children...don't get to that point with this man.

He's shown that he's not trustworthy and now he's showing you that he's disrespectful and probably still wants to shag her.

At the very least he values her friendship more than his relationship with you.

Original poster
WineWineFloor · 17/07/2019 12:00

At the very least he values her friendship more than his relationship with you - yes this, 100%! He's more worried about hurting HER feelings than mine! What is up with that??!

@HennyPennyHorror, that's awful, your poor friend.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 12:03

You've only been together 18 months and you've already split up once, during which time he shagged someone else, who he's now seeing regularly but was dishonest about it because 'He knew you'd be upset?'

Honestly, please have some self respect and raise your standards.

Please just bin him off. You deserve better.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 17/07/2019 12:04

I’m afraid the fact he immediately went to sleep with a friend tells you that the relationship with her is not just friends. I personally have a lot of male friends and couldn’t think of a time that I would sleep with them, especially not during a breakup. A random person perhaps but it sounds as though she’s his back up plan. And that he values her more than you.

The fact he’s not changed his contact with her of his own violation is telling IMO. Groups yes but one-on-one is a no.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 17/07/2019 12:07

I’m similar OP - terrible time in the marriage and he left me to pursue her - emotional affair turned physical. We are trying again and things are going well but he works with her occasionally . She is also a friend but I suspect (and have had confirmed) that she’s always carried a torch for him.

Changing jobs is not an option at this point plus if he wanted to maintain a relationship with her he could even if he did get another job. But one thing I’ve said is my line in the sand is no socialising together - including work nights out. He is willing to not go on nights out if she is - they have a roster so it’s easy to see when each other are working.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I feel sometimes as if I will never be truly happy again. But I love him and want the marriage to succeed and my life is much much better with him in it.

I 100% believe he wants the marriage to work too - but I’m not sure I would feel the same if he was socialising with her and/or lying about seeing her/messaging her etc. I feel for you as it’s just the worst feeling Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2019 12:10

Don't fall for the 'sunk cost fallacy' google it!
Time to stop this now.
You have doubts and insecurities and rightly so.
No relationship should be like this.
He's being totally disrespectful to you.
But you are enabling it.
It's simple.... you are together and he stops seeing her or he can have her and not you.

MrHaroldFry · 17/07/2019 12:14

Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never trust someone who lies to you. This pearl of wisdom comes from an older lady in my life and are words to live by.
Of course everything is great when he is with you. Why wouldn't it be? He is having his two cakes and eating both. He is making a compartment for you and putting you there (metaphorically) whilst he is with his 'friend'.

Please don't lose yourself while trying to hold onto him. He is not worried about losing you as you are compliant.

tinyvulture · 17/07/2019 12:14

See, I would see this differently to other posters. I think (if I have understood correctly) that he was friends with this woman before he got together with you. He slept with her when you two were separated - he was a free agent. Why should he give up a lot standing friendship, when he hasn’t actually done anything wrong?

In these circumstances I would not accept being told I had to discontinue a friendship. I would be willing to make certain adjustments to appease a partner - maybe not stay over at that friend’s house, stuff like that. But I certainly wouldn’t give up the friendship altogether.

And she probably doesn’t see it as spending time with “another woman’s partner.” I imagine she sees it as spending time with her friend.

Basically, I think you either trust him or you don’t. If you don’t, you may as well quit now, because no amount of you insisting he doesn’t see certain friends will ensure his loyalty, if he wants to cheat.

Original poster
WineWineFloor · 17/07/2019 12:18

@kokotiltomorrow I'm so sorry you've been through that, and I admire your strength and bravery at working through it.

Yes, I do feel like she's some sort of backup plan - maybe he even gets a subconscious kick out of knowing there are two women after him?

It's just so disappointing - I thought I was over all this game playing... I'm too old for this malarkey!

OP posts:
Original poster
WineWineFloor · 17/07/2019 12:20

@tinyvulture, I see what you're saying, but prior to our breakup, I'd never even heard of this person, so she can't have been that good a friend.

OP posts:
tinyvulture · 17/07/2019 12:21

Oh, I see. Then yes, that is a bit different......

Nquartz · 17/07/2019 12:27

Someone beat me to it, the sunk costs fallacy.

He doesn't care enough to put you first, so you need to put yourself first and move on. It won't get any better if he's like this already.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/07/2019 12:31

Oh you'd never heard of this 'friend' before this? He's deffo having his cake and eating it. Of course he's like a dog with 2 dicks having 2 women wanting him.

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