AIBU to tell him not to see her any more?

[WineWineFloor]

NC for this but long term poster.

Long story short (hopefully haha) - been with DP for a year and a half. We both have young DCs from previous marriages (not relevant but to give context to our backgrounds).

Due to various family circumstances and some emotional turmoil, we had a break a few months ago for about a month, during which time he slept with someone else a couple of times.

Once we were back together, he continued to see her, which I was understandably (I think) not happy about. He told me that they had been friends before, and he didn't want to ruin that friendship. He felt nothing romantic for her, and sleeping with her was a mistake, and just something that he was trying because he was upset about him and me breaking up.

I'm TRYING to be the "cool girlfriend" but it's making me jealous and insecure to know that he is still spending time with her. I've told him that I'm not happy about it, and I've also found out that he's seen her a few times and not told me about it - i.e. lied about where he has been.

AIBU to ask him to not see her, at least not on his own? I don't want to be controlling, or tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but I don't understand why he wants to spend time with someone that he's previously had sex with? And why does SHE want to be spending time with another woman's partner?

It's really stressing me, and I could really do with some objective opinions. Thanks in advance!

Are you ever going to be happy with this man? You evidently don't trust him. Will you ever?

I think you know there is a real issue here and playing the 'cool girlfriend' is ridiculous.

My boyfriend cut out a female friend due to my discomfort, he chose me over her. However in your case, your boyfriend has also been known to lie so even if he said "I cut her out." You can't really trust he wouldn't see her behind your back.

I would end the relationship in your situation.

Would love the reason his marriage ended. 🤔

I guess that's the problem - I don't trust him. He's lied to me before, so how can I believe him now? Surely he'll just say what I want to hear, until I catch him in a lie again.

You're all right - I need to end this for my own sanity

@PicsInRed - ironically, his ex wife had an affair.

PicsInRed- ironically, his ex wife had an affair

Sure she did.
Did you know that some cheaters tell later partners that it was the ex who cheated on them when really they were the one shagging all about town? Gets them sympathy and also buys them time before new partner gets suspicious due to their rampant cheaty behaviour.

Jesus Christ life is just too short for this shit.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice......

How did he even find someone to sleep with in a few weeks id be wondering. I wouldn't accept him back the moment someone sleeps with someone after its over for good. Also I think when the break comes up its bad news as never been a good thing for me lol

Yes, you're right, life is too short.

What's the betting that once I break up with him he'll be together with the "friend"?

He already is, lovey.

Let this one go, he's not a keeper.

@Scorpiovenus sadly the advancement of the smart phone and Aps now means you can meet someone for a hook up within hours anytime any place anywhere! Imo

What's the betting that once I break up with him he'll be together with the "friend

So what? He's seeing her now, OP!

But now he won't have to hide it.

This is what I don't understand - if he wants to be with her, why stay with me? Why not just man up and make a choice?

Make the choice for him!

Hint: It's not you.

Honestly it's not worth it, living like this. It's a half life, full of doubts and insecurities. He's made his postion clear - he won't prioritise you.

This is what I don't understand - if he wants to be with her, why stay with me?

a) because he doesn't see either of you as being a long term prospect
b) because why have one person to shag on tap when you can have two?

Bin him, you should still be in your honeymoon period not putting up with this shit.

He's enjoying the female attention and trying to make it out to be your problem 'but we're only friends' so you look unreasonable and jealous.

Just no. You're worth more than this.

Just walk away with your head held high, life's too short for this bullshit.

Clearly. I'm worth better than this. If he's not going to prioritise me, then he's not the right person.

I'm angry at myself for being fooled again, and angry at him for putting me in this position.

I am just angry.

When my friend and I spoke to various people to try to understand why her husband was meeting with the woman he'd been unfaithful with...we came to the conclusion that it's all about ego.

Some men (and some women) like the feeling of being wanted so much that they deliberately seek it...they might care about their partner but their ego is so big, they still need more admiration and more people desiring them.

It's simple and a bit boring really. If your "partner" is so basic and so egotistical, you've lost nothing! You can find someone much more developed as a person than him.

Someone without that ego.

@HennyPennyHorror - is your friend divorcing her husband? Has there been anything physical in the recent times with the husband's friend?

You're absolutely right, I'm better without someone like that.

Thanks everyone for your replies, really helpful - and good to know that I'm not being completely unreasonable!

Yes she is divorcing him. She isn't certain they've had sex but she doesn't care either way because the fact that he has been meeting his one time mistress again is enough for her.

After she forgave him and tried to move on...for him to do this was too much.

He's overstepped the mark by sleeping with her for whatever reason. He's made that decision and I would not stand for any contact. It's not being controlling, it's being sensible.

He's done this for himself. If he lies about it then don't take it. Rules.

I wouldn't immediately blame her for sleeping with someone who has a girlfriend.
She might have no idea about you. You say she's a friend, but he's never mentioned her before having sex with her and I'm guessing you've never met her.

What's the bet that, to her, your partner is single?

Either way, he's playing games with the pair of you and (for your sanity and self-respect) you need to bow out now.
What happens next is not your problem.

Yeah, it sounds a bit shitty, like he is only pretending she was previously a friend. And anyway, you don’t trust him and he’s doing your head in. Ditch him, and look after yourself. You deserve a lot better.