Mother has no interest in me

[Lil456]

Does anyone else's parents have little interest in them?

My mother very rarely contacts me, has never wanted to know about any of my friends, partners or just anything I'm doing in life really. She's never supported any of my interests either, or any major desicions. If there's anything I have a problem with etc she usually replies with 'oh really', again never showing much interest.

Just wondering how common this is? I've noticed over the past year how much I lack in self esteem and tend to cling towards quite bossy friends and abusive partners and think it may be due to having absolutely no bond/support from my mother (also an absent father).

I find myself comparing our relationship to others I see who appear to always go out/ have so much help and support. I know this can't be the case for everyone but I'm just wondering if others are in the same position? It feels as though I could dissappear and I doubt she'd really know!

Yes. I feel exactly the same.
I used to think I was close to my Mum, when I was young she used to tell me far too much detail (sometimes adult) about her relationship with my Dad, friends and neighbours relationships...now I’ve realised it’s because she struggled to relate to anyone and I was her confidante
I made a very conscious decision to move away from home, and quite honestly now we have text, she has no reason to see me or make any effort with me, apart from replying texts I send her. My Dad doesn’t bother with me at all. They’re together, so I’m guessing he thinks as long as I turn up at theirs every now and then, why should he?

Yep mine also my farther for that matter it's horrible but I'm learning to get over it and and accept that they won't change. I have a husband and three children so my focus is on them rather than trying "please" them all the time.

The people pleasing that comes from that is crippling, isn’t it?
And the times you go to them for comfort, even when you know you won’t get it...I often feel worse for that too.

Sometimes it does help to bin the stereotype of what families are meant to be, nice interested parents appear to be the rule but many times it only look like that for outsiders.

Try to accept them as they are, mirror their effort and welcome any snippets of attention as a bonus.

I'm sorry you're also in the same position. I feel like I've never really people pleased around my mother but it tends to happen in other relationships. If anything it's just pushed me away and I feel like she knows absolutely nothing about me.

I've also come to accept it, I just find it hard to cope with the effect it's had on my other relationships and the low self esteem atm!

My dad never did when he was alive, unless it was to use me as his personal sounding board about My step mum. MIL never contacts dh now she has no use for him (he used to books her tickets for stuff in company discount - took her off because he thankfully realised she only ever spoke to him when she wanted him to be her personal ticket broker) - but of course that's wahwahwah all our fault. My own mother will gallery rarely but if the kids kick off she's been known to just hang up on us rather than say oh I'd better go or something.

I’ve come to terms with it too. They love me the best way they can, and that’s enough. A lot of therapy has got me there though

Mine is the same doesn't ask about my life, my work, what my future plans are, where I'm holidaying next....nothing.
She just isn't interested I guess. Isn't interested in my DC either doesn't ask how they are doing ay school etc
Sometimes I feel as if I don't even have a mum
I see my parents about every 6 weeks but little-no contact in between

My my mum died when I was 13 and I’m 50 now but I know that she loved me and that has sustained me literally all these years.

I am so sorry you experience this sadly it is actually not that unusual, but because we hold mothers up in such high esteem those that are not well parented often feel unable to be honest about what they are suffering. I have known wonderful women whose mothers were self-absorbed or so psychologically damaged that they were basically appalling parents.

I think a lot of women carry shame when they have a mother like this. It is of course not the child’s fault but it is such a mystery when your mother doesn’t love you, I think it’s normal for the child to blame themselves. That shame prevents them from reaching out. Is there anyone around you that you can talk to about this? Are there any older women that you know who you would love to have a close relationship with? There are many lovely older women that would love to mentor and encourage a women in your position. How old are you OP?

Yes, I have exactly the same. Actually my parents dont know where I work, nor anything about my DC. They are civil, send me the odd text during xmas and some money (no card, just a bank transfer) for kids birthdays. I stopped trying to contact my mum since DC2 or prove myself to them and instead have an unhealthy dependency on poor DH as best friend and confidante. Luckily his parents are the same with him, except we visit them occasionally. (They have never visited us). His is a different story, mum favours his sister and other grandchildren.

Anyway no real friends as everyone else seems to have a strong family support network.

I cant see it happening but I certainly do not hope for such a relationship with my kids when they are adults.

IdaBWells I'm sorry you had to go through that 💐

It really is a mystery. I know my mother had quite an unusual childhood and often I think it's because of this, but it confuses me as I hope to never be like that with my own child.

If I'm honest I really struggle in relationships because of it so I don't really have any females in close too. I'd love to have an older figure as you say but I can only hope!

@MondeoFan mines exactly the same, no interest in my child at all! I also feel as though I've never had parents!

Lil456 can you describe what was “unusual” about your mother’s childhood? It sounds like she never bonded with you as she is so disconnected. You mention your own child, how are you experiencing being a mother yourself?

Hi yes my mums abit like that. She is in my life but never has supported me. I had no confidence when i left school. Ive always had friends, worked etc. But when my journey to motherhood began i was confused. I was trying to have that bond others had with their mums. It soon hit me that she did not care about my pram, my scans, my nursery, my fears and nerves.she would love the baby when it was born but she would not be excited about a bump! She loves my kids and we speak but weve never had them round for dinner etc. Shes just not interested in being a friend to me. I always read the mothers day passages on fb others have written (usually with a collage of pictures) about their mums being wonderful. I can never relate and i think what must it feel like to have that bond. Sad isnt it!! X

Yeah same with my mum, dad and indeed my brothers/sisters. I felt like my mum couldnt be arsed when it came to me (im the last child from a large family and she was an older mum) - she had gone through all the firsts with the others and the lack of enthusiasm was ridiculous.

Take for example, i got engaged to my now husband. Me and DH went round to tell them the news and she scrunched up her face and asked why on earth were we bothering and it took a mighty effort for her to congratulate us. Then she just instantly dismissed it by changing the subject and asked my dad something trivial.

Another example, ive always had ambition to have a nice home, nice things and a career. Bearing in mind my whole family were factory workers, never really set their sights much higher even tho they had the potential sadly. House was a mismatch of hand me down furniture. I didnt try hard at school (no motivation/encouragement from home on this) got rubbish grades. So i left school and thought shit i need to up my game so i did a YTS with a great company. Really struck lucky. My mum seemed to be annoyed with me going into an office environment and would always make digs at me about being too good for them, money bags, looking down my nose at them etc! No need for this at all. I have never made anyone feel bad, that im better than them etc its just not in my nature. If anything i encouraged my siblings to aim higher.

Sadly my parents are both dead now. Ive never had a close relationship with either of them.

Re: siblings, again just not interested. If we meet up its down to me to send the text, go to their house. I could literally go months, years even without contact and they wouldnt be arsed. I always get birthday cards/gifts over to them for their children- we get nothing back. Sometimes a text a week later saying ‘sorry i forgot’.

Ive just learnt to look after me and the kids now. Ive just had to accept this is the way it is 🤷‍♀️

My mother is not really interested in me. We fall out occasionally and clash as she can be a right pita. I started a new job, she had zero interest in it. I told her it was at a school so school holidays off. Could I take some time off to take her to an appointment, err no I’m working. What do I do in this job? Asked after being in said job 6 months 🙄 she only wants to know when I’m free to do her favours/run her to appointments, zero interest in me. It was like this as a child when I asked for Christmas presents it wasn’t what I asked for. I sound spoilt, but it was always say a different camera, watch, toy. They were the same price.

She never calls, we have to go to her to see her. Even if she comes to visit she can’t wait to leave.

As pp, I don’t get support and I’m left to it tbh, although dB the golden child is another story.

My parents were like this. It took a long time but a few years ago I accepted that they just didn't like me very much. They were always very critical of me, no interest in my life and little effort to keep in touch. All indicators that they didn't like me but it's hard to accept that when it's your parents isn't it? Things get easier when you face up to it. Still stings sometimes but it's very freeing. We are not in touch anymore and I think we are all happier for it. My Mum would probably like a bit more contact but my Dad can't stand me and hasn't for years since I stopped being a well behaved, adoring little girl and turned into an imperfect teen and adult. She goes along with him "it's us against the world", which seemingly includes their own kids so...🤷‍♀️

So sad to hear so many of us have experienced this. I too am the youngest of a large family and mum was worn out and it wasn't novel anymore.

My siblings are much the same though as a people pleaser, I was very useful to them.

The terrible self esteem is rooted in the feeling that if my own mum isn't particularly interested in me, why would anybody else be.

Counselling has helped me invest in the relationships where people care about me and to stop chasing one ones that don't.

Yeah my mother couldn't give a flying fuck about me.
I was kicked out of home at 15 and spent the next 15 years trying to make a normal relationship work with her.
Over those 15 years she visited me twice when I had dd (at 29) and nothing since or after that.
She would move house and change her number without telling me so I would have to search to find her.. about a year ago I came to the realisation that she had been ghosting me the whole tome and it would be kinder to myself just to let her go.
She was abusive, physically and emotionally, she turned a blind eye when her husband (not my dad) sexually abused me. So she was never much of a mother anyway.. but still, I spent all that time trying to make a bond happen and make sense of where I went wrong.
I sometimes still pine for her, but it's not really her it's more grieving for the mother I really wanted. But all in all I'm so much happier I just cut contact.. it was easy really I just stopped contacting her and she hasn't bothered with me since.
My other sisters have nothing to do with her either but we're all damaged in some way from our upbringing.

I have noticed over the years I'll take up a mother figure, like it could be an older friend or a colleague, when I was younger it was my boyfriend's own mums I would sort of adopt to be my mum.. which is weird and I've only just come to the realisation I do that.. not so much these days now I'm stronger though.
It has given me insight into just how important parents are to their children, so much so that after all the abuse, I still tried, loved her, I still needed a mum so I would look for that role in other women.
I'll always be there for my daughter, I may not be perfect but I'll never push her away or hurt her and even on the bad days she always knows she's loved and wanted.
Hurts like hell to feel unwanted my your own mother, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

for anyone going through the same.

Mine couldn't care less, it makes me feel like a nobody and a nothing. I can't understand it as I love my DS so very much.
She is so cold. I can't ever remember her hugging, kissing or comforting me.

She touched my arm recently, she never touches me and I recoiled like I'd been bitten by a snake, it was a natural reflex. Everyone who was there was shocked.

Yep. Never asks me a question. Bomards me with stuff about my brother and sister and then nothing. About me or my kids.

Weirdly makes a fuss about birthday and Christmas presents and then zero fucks the rest of the year.

madcatlady
I remember that feeling. I used to flinch whenever she walked past me as I was so used to her hitting me if she was near by. One time she walked past me and I flinched, she got angry and hit me for it wtf.. I'm not really sure what her thought process was with that. "Urgh I hate it when she flinches because she's scared of me, so much so I'll punch her in the head for it! That should stop it"

🙄

Sorry for derailing a bit op.

My dp's never really showed much interest in me, but somehow I thought it was normal. Certainly my father was absent mentally, and my DM had a hard life and had not much energy to spare. You get used to it though.

Okay, I know that is easy to feel your parents have had a very negative effect on you and you are most likely right.

But, while you continue to place the blame on who you are on them, you are hand tied to change your present or future. Remember, what happens to you doesn’t determine who you are, so try to recover that person you were away from your parents influence, explore who she is, what she likes, nurture it, accept it as she is and make the best of your future because that future is yours, your parents are no longer shaping it, it is you and your memories that can break from this negative cycle or drive you to feel totally powerless.