Mother has no interest in me

[Lil456]

Does anyone else's parents have little interest in them?

My mother very rarely contacts me, has never wanted to know about any of my friends, partners or just anything I'm doing in life really. She's never supported any of my interests either, or any major desicions. If there's anything I have a problem with etc she usually replies with 'oh really', again never showing much interest.

Just wondering how common this is? I've noticed over the past year how much I lack in self esteem and tend to cling towards quite bossy friends and abusive partners and think it may be due to having absolutely no bond/support from my mother (also an absent father).

I find myself comparing our relationship to others I see who appear to always go out/ have so much help and support. I know this can't be the case for everyone but I'm just wondering if others are in the same position? It feels as though I could dissappear and I doubt she'd really know!

I have never understood why, just why a mum can take absolutely no interest whatsoever in the life of certain children they’ve had…

I was that child. My mum would worship my elder brother and worship my younger sister. And I was the black sheep of the family. Simply because I was different. I was open talkative and fun, whereas my siblings like mum were more conservative. I was like my dad in my nature who is from a certain Pacific Island country and my mum was the total opposite. Whats really unfathomable is she was so open and dainty with her freinds at church but all I wanted to see was the same affection and love she showed to her Freinds… I remember when my mum called me the son of Satan. I remember when my mum lunged at me with a kitchen knife. I remember when my mum pronounced me “guilty” as a jury in a family court setup where my dad was the judge and my sibling the witnesses… I remember my mum pulling away when I went to give her a hug as a 12 year old at the wake after her father passed away..never felt so rejected man… it fully affected my grades at highschool, still struggle with self confidence now, and I’m almost 40… it’s the same old story, we have to travel to her she’ll never travel to us and we live 15 mins drive away… what a joke…I can’t wait to start my own family so I can break this sad cycle 😪

My DM never showed the slightest interest in me from the start. Whatever I achieved she could have done better.

My DF did. He was my hero.

Not having a mother is very damaging. I felt very alone for a long time. But I'm very different to that old bitch and I'm a very good mother. I want to know as much as my DS will share. He is the most important person in my life.

This is the saddest thread I've ever read on Mumsnet, no child should ever feel unloved.

Mine was the same I always thought one day she would take an interest but it never happened I never felt wanted and once was told that when I was a child by my mum

Return the favour when she’s elderly and infirm. I bet she suddenly wants and expects all your attention then.

I have never had a good relationship or a strong bond with my mum. Throughout my childhood I would be asked "Why can't you be more like so and so?" and told "so and so can do this!" I have barely any memories of my mum and I actually interacting and spending quality time together when I was a child. My dad was usually the one to take me somewhere or to do something and mum would stay at home. I was rarely allowed a friend round to play, have dinner and NEVER a sleepover. I always felt different from all of my friends in primary school because of my home life. I'll never forget the time she smacked me, although I can't remember what I'd done to be naughty.

The insults on why I couldn't be more like so and so continued into my teenage years. My mum would never talk to me about anything and I never felt I had the confidence to confide in her about anything. I wanted more than anything to feel like I had a 'friend' in her and got jealous of my friends who seemingly had a perfect relationship with their mum/'friend'.

Later, I moved into my own home and had my first child (she wanted me to abort.) She picked away at my parenting and made comments about the way something was in the house. "Oh you should really hoover" "This should be over here, not there" "You should support the babies head properly" This led to more fallouts between us.

3 years later I had my 2nd child and things remained much the same between us.

Now I am OCD with the way things are in the house, things need to be done a certain way (in fear that it's not good enough) I lack any self confidence. As an adult looking back I do think my mum must have suffered from some MH issues (and still does) but it has affected me and the person I am. I have stopped contacting her because I can no longer deal with the upset/stress/emotional blackmail. She is and will continue to be extremely difficult to have any relationship with.

Pre Covid she took an interest in my children. Would visit regularly, offer to take them to the park etc but now she doesn't bother. I often felt she would put ideas in their heads when they were in her care as they often came home saying things they wouldn't have got from their dad and I. I was happy and glad that she seemed to have a genuine interest in them and wanted to spend time with them so never questioned it.

I've came to the realisation that sadly I'll never have a great relationship with my mum. It makes me deeply upset that one day she'll no longer be here and the bond I've longed for for years will never be there. All I can do is make sure my children NEVER feel the way I felt as a child and continue to feel now as an adult.

to all the people out there who posted on this thread feeling the same.

CarolDanvers, gosh, this could be me. Dad seemed to hate the fact of me growing up, he told me once that 'you've been like this since you were a teenager', he wouldn't tell me what 'this' means. I asked my mum what I'd done, what he meant, she told me to ignore him, which is hard, I feel so much guilt. Mum enables him to be like this, which I find even harder. They need me a bit more now as getting old, which I find hard. They lived far away, but live closer now, mum said she wanted to be close to me. Dad doesn't care, I organised all the move he didn't want to be involved. Worst thing I did, distance was good I now realise. They have nothing to do with my dd, their only grandchild, she now wants nothing to do with them. It makes me feel quite unwell sometimes.

Sad op. Same here. Its draining. 80s. Was always rather difficult. Hurtful when you see nice families. With mine its all about HER

@UglyDucking

My mum seemed to be annoyed with me going into an office environment and would always make digs at me about being too good for them, money bags, looking down my nose at them etc!

This is toxic and this shaming can cripple young people. It says to much about her insecurities. I also hate it when people say things like - 'We just can't get the staff. Young people just turn up their noses at these jobs' - when the job in question is basically paying poverty wages. A certain type of older person is shaming younger people for daring to aim higher. Ambition is viewed with suspicion or hostility, and it's framed as 'being too good' for something. Horrible.

Same. She just has no interest in me and never did. I had an abusive then absent father, too, so there was no-one to balance her out. She couldn't get me out of home quick enough. She was very interested in other people, outside interests etc, though. Always busy.

I’m 50 now and I still miss having a parent to turn to. Two people that are meant to be your champions and it does leave its mark if they just, didn’t. It’s such a huge, shameful-feeling rejection.

i was the last child, with a big gap between me and siblings - I was definitely a mistake because she’s told me so! I always felt unwanted/in the way and carried that with me through life.

Yep. My mother has never shown the slightest interest in anything to do with me...particularly if it's something she doesn't approve of. She expected me to be a clone of her. My father was largely absent from a young age, too...he was much the same when he was around, very self involved.

I've been a terrible people pleaser and still put up with huge amounts of crap in relationships.

My Catholic mother forced myself and my two brothers to attend Mass every Sunday up to the day I left home at 21. One Sunday the priest asked us to hug the person next to us instead of the usual handshake towards the end...I actually flinched as my mother went to hug me...that's the only time she ever has in my life, I'm nearly 54. I remember she was so offended...but only because "I'd shown her up in front of the other churchgoers". She's never said that she loves me, either.

My Dad has no interest in me or my kids. He comes round to drop presents off for the kids birthdays, at his convenience, when they are at school. Cos heaven forbid he actually sees them on their birthdays! He will come and monologue at me for 10 minutes about his life (it’s pretty boring too) and then leave. He doesn’t ask be how I am, or how the kids are. He couldn’t be less interested. Its tough OP. My DM died many years ago, so he’s the only parent I have.

Gosh this is one of the saddest threads that I've read, I was the last of a large family but my parents were still very involved in my life,
It is truly heart breaking to read these posts💐
I just don't know what else to say

@prampushingdownthehighst I personally think that the only way there won't be threads like this in the future is if society stops pushing the message to women that motherhood is the ultimate thing we can do.

I feel too many women just rush into parenthood because it's expected - I know my mother did. She did it because she wanted to be well thought of by her family and the Catholic community around her...but I don't think she actually likes children much at all. She actually told my father when they met that she couldn't have kids (based on nothing)...less than 6 months later she was pregnant with my older brother.

I knew from an early age I didn't want children and I haven't had them.

I wholeheartedly agree with @noirchatsdeux ... so many women seem to wander aimlessly into family life with no consideration whether they would be any good at it.
I must admit when someone posts on mn about their new pregnancy and then presents a list of mental health conditions as long as their arm i wonder how they intend to emotionally support a child when they are barely hanging on themselves.
Unfortunately child rearing isn't just cuddles with a snuggly baby and I am a firm believer that as soon as a child starts developing their own personality that's when some mothers seem to take a turn for the worse.
My own mother was fine with me up until high school age, once I decided genteel walks around the countryside and pottering around the garden where no fun all hell let loose!
Then it became a constant battle, why do you want more than one bath a week, why do you want to wear makeup, why do you want to see friends, you're only going clubbing to do drugs (never done them), why do you even want friends......basically anything she felt her and my father didn't 'need' was deemed unnecessary for all of us. I learned to drive as soon as possible so I could get to the places I wanted to go as she wouldn't take me anywhere!
No interest whatsoever in my children, terrible dog that came above them in the pecking order so wasn't safe for the kids (she didn't care) so much more I could add but this post is long enough.
I have had no contact with her at all for the last few years, no idea where she lives, hopefully her and my father live in their own little bubble of misery fighting against the world together until they both poof it! I won't be there to care when they do.

Same as many of the people here. Mum doesn't know what I do for a job, couldn't name any of my friends, hasn't actually called me for years. It's always me making contact. She will text occasionally but it's very limited and will normally be about my brother or sister. I think she thinks I'm rich because I have an office based job in a large city and go to Spain once a year for a fortnight's holiday. I remember years ago I told her I was getting a cleaner and her face was a complete picture. Very "ohhh get you! It's alright for some!" I don't know why she's like it. I don't even think she realises I feel this way.

I will also add that as a result of this relationship, I have an avoidant attachment style but can also be a people pleaser - especially to older women. I always identified a 'work mum' where ever I worked and have stayed in touch with these women (god bless them!) over the years.

My mother told me a few years back that she’s never liked me. She recounted all these things I’d done which was basically a ver short list of a few times I hadn’t put her before me, or made a choice she didn’t agree with.
She tried to make me abort my first born too, right up until the 6 month mark she said it’s not too late.
She body shamed me after the birth, telling me I was fat and when I lost weight she said I was too thin and looked haggard.
She has never shown an interest in my life but if I mention I’ve seen a friend eg from school that she remembers, she’ll ask what they’re up to where they live family etc. if she sees someone I know she’ll tell me how good they were looking and how nice they are.
It makes me really sad but I can’t change her. I feel like I miss the mum I never had. She was also violent towards me and I remember that flinch too that pp mentioned.
I have made an amazing effort to be a good mum to my now adult DC and I love them so much and they know it. It used to baffle me - looking at them and wondering how a mother couldn’t want to love and protect. I was afraid of being a bad mum as I had no role model so it was all guesswork. A few times I did feel anger with DC as teenagers and I felt a horrible rage and desire to lash out but I also couldn’t bring myself to harm them. It was a weird feeling and I was quite ashamed and upset.
Thanks for this post because I felt like I’m the only one (I never talk about it) and a certain amount of embarrassment too eg when people ask how she is I just say fine.

There is a thread on MN specifically for the adult children of abusive parents, called the Stately Homes thread. There is a lot of good advice there about how to minimise contact with them, recognise flying monkeys and enablers, escape the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) engendered by such a childhood, and how to build good relationships with your own children. I recommend it to OP and all the PPs who have these toxic mothers.

Mine was always difficult but op your right it would be nice if things were pleasant. Im low contact. She hard work.

I had an absent father and and a mother that showed no affection at all. We were also poor. I worked hard at school as a vow that I would be the best mum and provider. Only to be told at 28 that I can't have children.

My mother is entirely wrapped up in herself and always has been. She has had long periods of depression and anxiety - goes with the territory.