Decided to divorce, but can't tell anyone in RL!

[boringornot]

It's been years I don't post here, but mumsnet helped me a lot when I had babies, toddlers, and when I decided to move countries. So I came back, hoping that you all will be able to hold my hand this time. (I've had loads of user names)

After years and years complaining about my life, my marriage and so on, I finally decided that I have to divorce. I need it. There is no point trying to "rebuild" anything, and for many reasons, I don't want to try again. It's been a bad marriage for 10 years, I think that's enough. (many reasons, he doesn't share the domestic work, doesn't encourage my career, we fight all the time, we have "grown apart", etc etc). We have been together for 16 years, married for 13, DC 9 and 6yo.

I feel lighter, happy to have made a decision, excited for my new life.
But I can't tell anyone about that!

Dh doesn't want to split. All the times I mentioned that he got really angry. Threatened to involve the children in the discussion. He made it clear he will make my life difficult.

After 10 years, I feel strong enough to face it all, but then I have to plan everything. "Put my ducks in a row", as people always say here. I don't have a job (as I stopped working when I had kids. Continued to freelance as a journalist for a while, but nothing significant).

We are from overseas, moved to the UK over 10 years ago, moved from UK to an European country one year ago. I don't speak the language here, so I'm planning to move to yet another country where I have a better chance of getting a job, in a city I have some friends who can help me.

The DC will have to move schools, and I will have to be making some money, enough to rent a small flat in the new country. It's a lot to do, so I'm planning on moving next year. January would be great, but I think July is more realistic. (I'm not making any money now, so there is no point saying "go now!")

July is better for the DC, so they will end the school year here. I plan to tell DH at the very last minute. Ideally, I would have some money saved by then, and some jobs going on.

Anyway, the point is: I'm very happy to have made a decision. And I have A LOT of work to do. I need all the help from my friends, I need help to get jobs to do, but I can't them WHY I need them so urgently. (I really don't want DH to find out I'm serious about the whole thing before I'm ready)

So I wanted to at least share it with you all. Hold my hand, please.

Dh doesn't want to split. All the times I mentioned that he got really angry. Threatened to involve the children in the discussion. He made it clear he will make my life difficult.

You don't need his permission to split. Just crack on with it.

His threats to 'involve' the children are deplorable and show his true colours. What an arsehole.

Keep making your plans and surely you must have a couple of friends you can trust with your secret? If they care about your happiness they will be happy to help. Good luck with it all.

I don’t think you can move your children to another country without your DH’s permission. Please get some legal advice on this.

greenfingers thanks a lot! I have to find out WHICH friends to talk about it. Hope it goes well.

hormones that's an important point. I have thought about it and don't think it will be a problem. I'm used to travel alone with the DC between european countries and the UK with no problem. But thanks for reminding me.

@boringornot - it’s not whether you’ll get stopped leaving with them. It’s whether you’ll be considered to have violated laws in doing so, intending not to return with them. Agree with PP - get advice.

Something similar recently happened to a colleague of my DH. The mother was made by the courts to return the children back to the country of residence very promptly.

And once he knows you are going he can have you stopped at the airport. It happened to friends of mine just going on holiday which had been agreed but the ex got malicious and had them stopped.

And do the children actually want to move ? Will another upheaval be good for them?

Please, people, that's not the point! I don't think he will stop me, I've been talking to him about all of us moving to this other country. Ideally, we would all go, so he would be close to the DC (but divorced).

I can't get a job in this country, because i don't speak the language. And DH is in a temporary work contract, so we may have to leave the country by the end of this year if the contract is not renewed anyway. (And i don't think he will want to stay here alone).

For all these reasons, I THINK he will allow me to take the dc to this other city. If he doesn't, that's another level of shit, and I will deal with it when the time comes.

Assuming it's such a bad plan, do you have any other suggestion?

Well done for making the decision. You need to do what is right for you. But what about dc? Will they appreciate if you move them to another country because you do not get on with their dad? Surely, you separate, divorce, go nc with him but provide regular contact?

busy this city we're in was never supposed to be long term. In fact, the initial plan was to spend a few years here and then go to the city I plan to go.

I won't be able to get a job here that pays enough to rent a 1 bed flat. What would be the alternative if I stayed here? (Important : DH probably won't stay here too long)

Um. Despite what PP has inferred from nothing in the OP we don't actually know that H is an 'arsehole'.
Sorry OP but this plan of yours is rather selfish.
A) you intend to move the kids school, home & country at short notice without consulting them
B) you intend to end the marriage & remove the F from his DC, again at very short notice and without consultation.

If you were in danger I would understand but nothing in your OP implies this. It's sad you've grown apart but you are not the only one with rights here.

Also - no offence- but this plan seems a fantasy.
Getting a job in a new country, supporting yourself and squeezing everyone into a 1 bed flat.
Bet the reality is not rosy.
Can't you negotiate an amicable split, coparent and agree some maintenance?

tobedto - you seem to have read the OP totally differently to me, I thought:

1. they had no plan to stay in present country long term 2)OP can't get a job that pays enough to live on in present country, and it sounds expensive
2. Her H has no plans to stay in present country
3. whatever happens the whole family will be moving in the near future 5)And in a new country she can get a job - maybe she speaks the language eg. Ireland rather than Albania. And a job that means she can afford more than a 1 bedroom flat.

OP it all does sound complicated -and I can understand you wanting to plan.

No! He refuses to talk about it. He says I'm a "quitter". Then he says I'm a slut and that I want to divorce to fuck around!

This is not a random place i want to move to! It's a place where I have friends and where they speak my mother tongue so I can work!

molly thanks, that's exactly it. It's very complicated. That's why it took me so long to even decide to divorce.

tobe it's not abrupt. It's one year down the line. And dh lived away from us (he in this new country, us in the uk) for 8 months. It was just fine.

@MollyButton no I to, like you, have garnered all that info from the thread.
Fact remains neither H nor DC have the chance to AGREE to OPs choice of city/country/residence/school etc. That's not fair.

@boringornot I did not use the word abrupt - not sure where you're getting that from.

Your OP : "I plan to tell H at the very last minute".

tobe do you have any other suggestion? I've tried to discuss it with DH and he made it very clear he doesn't "accept the separation". So, what am I supposed to do, in your opinion?

I think that there is validity in saying that the OP can’t unilaterally decide where her family will live and present it as a fair accompli to them and her current husband.

I can read he is a dick but this is just a bad marriage. He needs to come to terms with it ending but being told his wife is off to the City in a different country with their kids on the next flight isn’t going to help that.

In her situation I would agree a base to raise the children in and where they can both find work. Then move there and agree the split. The priority is to get these children settled and both parents need to agree and plan this.

Of course I don't have the answers you want. He doesn't have to 'agree' to the separation. You do not need to convince him. It's enough to tell him that you are not willing to stay. Then I think you both need legal advice as you are in a sticky situation, practically speaking.

I think PPs are just concerned that if he doesn't accept it, he will try to prevent it - for example, by using the Hague Convention to stop you moving the children away from their current country of residence. I know women who have been trapped in countries they hate, with languages they cannot speak, by ex-husbands who hate them.

Ok, so what most of you are saying is that I have to get a lawyer involved, probably sooner than I planned.

Oh shit. We are in debt, we're trying to pay out off, I was hoping I could make some money by myself before making it "official".

Just one more thing: hew said he will go back to our home country if I divorce.

I have no way to know what threats are true.

I'm sorry that you are in such a complicated and unhappy scenario. But that's also exactly why you need objective help.

Telling everyone last minute that this is happening and you and the kids are moving country is very risky.

Especially for the kids. He may let you got. But dropping this bombshell may make him decide to fight you on it. Your kids are also old enough to remember this when they are older and may not thank you for it.

As hard as it is. Everyone needs time to get used to the idea

You need to do