Decided to divorce, but can't tell anyone in RL!

[boringornot]

It's been years I don't post here, but mumsnet helped me a lot when I had babies, toddlers, and when I decided to move countries. So I came back, hoping that you all will be able to hold my hand this time. (I've had loads of user names)

After years and years complaining about my life, my marriage and so on, I finally decided that I have to divorce. I need it. There is no point trying to "rebuild" anything, and for many reasons, I don't want to try again. It's been a bad marriage for 10 years, I think that's enough. (many reasons, he doesn't share the domestic work, doesn't encourage my career, we fight all the time, we have "grown apart", etc etc). We have been together for 16 years, married for 13, DC 9 and 6yo.

I feel lighter, happy to have made a decision, excited for my new life.
But I can't tell anyone about that!

Dh doesn't want to split. All the times I mentioned that he got really angry. Threatened to involve the children in the discussion. He made it clear he will make my life difficult.

After 10 years, I feel strong enough to face it all, but then I have to plan everything. "Put my ducks in a row", as people always say here. I don't have a job (as I stopped working when I had kids. Continued to freelance as a journalist for a while, but nothing significant).

We are from overseas, moved to the UK over 10 years ago, moved from UK to an European country one year ago. I don't speak the language here, so I'm planning to move to yet another country where I have a better chance of getting a job, in a city I have some friends who can help me.

The DC will have to move schools, and I will have to be making some money, enough to rent a small flat in the new country. It's a lot to do, so I'm planning on moving next year. January would be great, but I think July is more realistic. (I'm not making any money now, so there is no point saying "go now!")

July is better for the DC, so they will end the school year here. I plan to tell DH at the very last minute. Ideally, I would have some money saved by then, and some jobs going on.

Anyway, the point is: I'm very happy to have made a decision. And I have A LOT of work to do. I need all the help from my friends, I need help to get jobs to do, but I can't them WHY I need them so urgently. (I really don't want DH to find out I'm serious about the whole thing before I'm ready)

So I wanted to at least share it with you all. Hold my hand, please.

You need legal advice. He's basically threatening to do to you what you are secretly planning to do to him!

Do you want to go back to your home country? You have to find out what you're legally allowed to do first and then discuss your options with him. If he refuses then tell him.what you plan to do and then it's up to him to decide.

does it matter if he goes back to your home country if you divorce?
would be a lot less hassle....
I think you have 2 choices - dont say anything to him - you are talking a about it to him now and all move to new city together as if going to stay
then split
or plan to move just you and dc with/without him...

either way your focus must be on getting your own money- is there no work you can do there? translating/language lessons /cleaning whatever....your DC must be school age so you have time...

good that you've made a decision - shame you moved there! - could you say move not worked and move back to uk....?

tobe I'm not being so secretive. I'm talking about moving to this country. I'm going there in a few months and look at schools. DH knows I want to move the family there.

BUT he is using to have the final word on these things because he earns all the money. If I convince him to move next year, then it would be better for everyone.

But i can't depend on his decision of where to move. He was approached recently with an offer to go to Japan! And he thought it was perfectly ok to take the whole family to the other side of the world one year after a big move!

I said "no way", so he gave up. But it's not like I have a lot of say on where he accepts a job!

OP, I hope you can make it work. Maybe have another talk with your husband in the hope he will take you seriously and you can work together to start your next phase in life separately.

"Avery* definitely the focus is on making money. But making translations part time (while kids are in school) won't make nearly enough money to live. I have friends who are translators and I know it's hard.

People have been saying "talk to your husband" for 10 years! IT DOESN'T WORK, FFS! I've been trying for 10 years, ok??

He doesn't listen! He doesn't change! Why would I be trying to organise everything without telling him if he was reasonable? Just for the kicks?

Your DH can stop you removing the children from the country or if you do, obtain a court order to make you return them.

Would it be impossible for you to learn the language of the country you're in and then get a job there? It seems an awful lot of disruption to move your kids again if you only moved there a year ago.

ginger none of us is planning to stay here long. Besides, I want to go back to work in my area! I'm unhappy here.

You all ate making me see that I won't be able to do it all by myself. I'll need help from friends and lawyers.

As you said you get your ducks in a row. Ensure the next job your H accepts will work for you and the DC and you will be able to legally remain there with the DC after splitting.

Good luck

Thanks random. I hope it all turns out ok.

from what you have said, I think you need to present this to your h with the view that you want to work, and you will move to new country with the kids and he can either come with you or follow.

Once you have that agreed/done then you can divorce.

But check with a lawyer.

ticking I will. We got married in our home country. We never needed to validate the marriage in the Uk or were we are now.

I know this is a very silly question, but the divorce will be done according to the laws of the country we're living at the moment, or the country where we got married? And what about payments for the Dc?

You will need to check the law of which country you are in... often one of you must be resident in the country for a while .....and you need teh marriage certificate from where you were married - and a certified translation if in a different language..
re money again depends on where you are - uk has the Child mantenance service but no idea if they chase non residents....doubt it!
I think most eu have similar - but I think France makes the non resident parent pay up front .....
check which country will work for you...as you are considering a few...
Most important thing hang onto to your certificate!

Thanks, avery, good point about the certificate! The legal part of the divorce will be a nightmare, it seems, as it may involve quite a few countries...

I definitely will need to do a lot of research.

Ok. I was just suggesting since you seem to have moved on to being serious about it being over now

sunshine sorry for being rude. I've heard "why don't you talk to him about. ..?" "Why don't you explain to him how you feel...?" For 10 years now. I suppose this approach won't work now, as it never had.