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Original poster

Any advice - exh has just changed holiday arrangements with one week to go...

34 replies

Newnewnewnames · 16/07/2019 07:48

I divorced my difficult exh three years ago. This is third summer hol. Two DC aged 12 & 9.
With mediation originally 2 weeks in Summer was agreed.
In Jan I asked about the two weeks in Aug, setting plan for year. He agreed dates by text. I have his agreement. Now he is saying that he only wants them for one week in the six week holidays, which starts next week.
Grrrr.
I (foolishly) have booked 10 days hol which is now in jeopardy.
There is no dealing with him. He is a crap parent and phenomenally tight with money with the DC. He is still stuck in I MUST PAY for divorcing abusive him.
Any advice?

OP posts:
KTara · 16/07/2019 07:54

Do you mean you have booked ten days holiday for yourself when DC were meant to be with their dad?

Unfortunately you cannot make him see his DC, although he could have you in court in an instant if you refused to send them for a week... you could try telling him DC will be very disappointed and they were looking forward to the agreed two weeks. Failing that, the best bet is probably to see if there is someone else who can look after DC for the remaining three days of your holidays. Grandparents? Failing that, then ask the holiday company if you can change the dates (and that will come at a cost).

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 16/07/2019 12:35

Unfortunately you cannot make him see his DC, although he could have you in court in an instant if you refused to send them for a week

As he has changed the time he has them over the six weeks hol from two weeks to one week, does this mean that all bets are off?
I'm considering saying that as I can't be around for the second of the two weeks he is having them I shall take them with me for the whole two weeks and he could have a single week later in the holiday.
It's so difficult when he's such a liar!

OP posts:
KTara · 16/07/2019 20:48

I personally think saying you will have to now take DC on holiday with you as he has reneged on his agreement to have them is an excellent idea. Gosh, I am so jaded from dealing with ex and taking his crap that I did not even think of that.

If there is no court order in place, then there is nothing to stop you doing this. You are still going to offer him the time later in the holidays and he has left you with no choice.

The only spanner in the works of this plan is if you are going overseas - unless you have a residency order in your favour, you will need his permission to take them out of the country.

rightteous · 16/07/2019 21:31

If he’s agreed to have them for that time and now won’t surely it’s down to him to organise and pay for childcare for that time period? Can you get an emergency solicitor appointment tomorrow to see what can be done?

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 16/07/2019 22:22

If he’s agreed to have them for that time and now won’t surely it’s down to him to organise and pay for childcare for that time period?

Nope, he just says he'll drop them off near my house at 8:30am on the Monday morning of the second week. He's not allowed on the street because of abuse in the past.
I don't want that to happen to my DC (he took one home before, on his weekend when I was out for the day - I had to come home to a sobbing child) and he'll definitely do it. He's already saying I'm abandoning them selfishly for a holiday...

OP posts:
nannytothequeen · 16/07/2019 22:23

My ex did this a few weeks before I was due to go to Nepal. It was an attempt to stop me going just to waste my money and make me unhappy. I bit my tongue and cheerfully told him that was fine. I would make other arrangements for the kids. He changed his tune then. Can you make other arrangements?

Drum2018 · 16/07/2019 22:27

Call his bluff. If you can afford to take the kids then tell him you are doing that instead, as you are not cancelling your holiday to suit his shit parenting. If you cannot afford to bring them can you organise someone to mind them until you get back?

LittlePickleHead · 16/07/2019 22:36

I don't have any advice, but what an utter wanker just leaving his kids on the street when you are not there Angry
I really feel for you having to deal with this sorry excuse for a human being

Northernlurker · 16/07/2019 22:40

What a bastard.

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 17/07/2019 15:39

Thank you all. It's helpful to be reminded by lovely internet strangers that I'm not the unreasonable party.
I did tell him that they'd have to go to my sister's for the final 5 days until I returned, but I'm not sure he believed this.
We're at a standoff now, I think, until one of us rings the other with a plan. I'm hoping when I check flights I can afford to take them with me. But what if he says no? Can he say no? He can have his week another time, I'm not sure why it should be me that loses money! He has waaaay more money than me, too!

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/07/2019 15:45

Technically you need his permission to take them out of the country but he'd have to take you to court pretty quickly and demonstrate a good reason for his objection. In this particular case he'd probably get a rap on the knuckles for wasting the court's time.

Do the DC share your surname?

Redred2429 · 17/07/2019 15:49

I would take them with you if you can afford it op

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 15:53

If you've arranged alternative childcare with your sister, what's his problem?

pallisers · 17/07/2019 16:00

He wants you to have to cancel your holiday.

So they go to your sisters (she collects them) or you bring them with you (and I would send a breezy text saying "ok back to the drawing board about dates then. if you only want to have the kids for a week out of the six, these are the weeks they are free"). if you cancel the holiday he'll be doing this to you forever more.

ravenmum · 17/07/2019 16:07
  • Tell him you won't be back until X time so he'll have to arrange childcare if he won't be there
  • Remind him that this is exactly what you would have to do if positions were reversed and you were suddenly not able to pick the kids up at the time you'd arranged
  • Suggest that he might ask your sister as you think she might be around then
Mycatatetherat · 17/07/2019 17:57

I think you only need his permission if the holiday is longer than 28 days abroad.
I have one of these exes too.

averythinline · 17/07/2019 18:36

hopefully you can take the DC with you...and you can call his bluff....
he has changed plans at short notice it is all down to him...

If not and your sis will take them make in writing you tell him as he has changed his plans he needs to drop them at hers/arrange handover with her... do DC have phones? coudl they call her if he just drops them off on teh street again... amke sure they know teh plan...

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 19/07/2019 09:42

Ok - I think I've done it wrong. I did the breezy, "ok, if you don't want them for both weeks I'll take them with me. So you'll just have alternate weekends throughout the summer".
He replied "ok".
So now I feel bullied and battered again, I've let him change the plans and I'm the one who has lost a week's grown-up holiday with my partner as it's now been changed into a ten day hol with DC, costing money I don't have. But I had no choice as I KNOW he would bring the DC back and drop them off at the top of the street when I'm away. The fucker's done it before.
Can someone help me turn this round in my head so I can feel like the bigger person, please? The skint, bigger person? Just tell me it will get better - we divorced 3 years ago Sad

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 19/07/2019 09:54

Dear OP, I know it feels like shit right now, but keep doing what you are doing.

When he understands that he cannot get to you by using the kids, he will stop - and will probably lose interest in them all together, so better to get used to his non-involvement now.

Be sure to keep this documented so that if you ever have to cancel for good reason, and he drags you back to court, you have evidence of this and all his other crapness.

You have done the very best thing - any inkling that you have been inconvenienced and he's laughing.

Fill your facebook with photos of all of you having a great time on holiday (with no mention of his crap parenting, obviously. Maybe something like 'so glad to have this precious time away with my children and my wonderful partner'.

Narcs do this sort of FB crap all the time - but 2 can play at that particular game :-D Have lovely holiday xxxx

Jeezoh · 19/07/2019 09:55

You ARE the bigger person, you’re doing what’s right for your kids and I’m sure he’ll be peed off that you didn’t respond by begging him to reconsider - you didn’t give him the reaction he most likely wanted.

Is there anyone who could have your kids for the last few days of your holiday - if they picked them up from him then that would negate the risk if him dropping them off alone?

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 19/07/2019 10:05

Yes, my parents would probably have them for the last four days, but tbh it feels unfair to them to just dump them somewhere else because I'm on holiday.
I would actually rather they came with us anyway, so I'm not sad about that, I'm just annoyed with myself that he has managed to control what we do AGAIN.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 19/07/2019 10:09

Dear OP,

He hasn't controlled you - you had lots of options you considered, and you chose the one that suited you best in the way that would piss him off the most.

YAY YOU!!!!

blackcat86 · 19/07/2019 10:16

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. What a dick. Make sure to note how many nights over the year he has then as minus two weeks is a significant drop and may increase the CMS amount you are due. Have a lovely time with your DC and then save up for a weekend away with your partner so you still get time together.

BlackBirdInMyGarden · 19/07/2019 10:41

He sounds awful. But you are being the bigger person and like ChristmasFluff says, you have considered other options and decided to take them with you.

If it were me, I'd carry on being breezy and make sure to upload plenty of pictures of all four of you having a brilliant time so he can see he's not got to you

averythinline · 19/07/2019 11:10

Yes he has impacted - however hes a wanker - and you going - great get to have the kids on hols and he gets....

no more than his weekends is him losing in life ......he doesnt get to have holiday with DC and whilst hoiday with DC is not always lacking in stress /issues Grin it lays down memories and connections that can't be replicated in a weekend...

you've called his bluff..and he has lost ....