Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Apparently I'm too nice

38 replies

YeahWellWhoKnew · 15/07/2019 22:24

So since I split from my ex wife nearly two years ago, I've been back in the dating scene. I've had two 3 month and one 6 month relationship. They ended for various reasons but one thing they all said is that I am too nice!!

I'm a pretty laid back guy who believes in treating a woman right, whether that's flowers, leaving love notes or taking her out but apparently that's not the way to be. I'm not really interested in drama and just want an easy life but all three said the same thing.

Now don't get me wrong I'll never let anyone speak to me bad or treat me bad and I'll not wait on someone hand and foot but I encourage my partners in their careers, don't care when they go out with friends and don't demand from them.

So what the hell is being too nice. I told all if them when they said this I'm not a 'bad boy' type and all of them said they didn't want a bad boy and one said she just wanted me to 'challenge' her more

Seriously what the hell does that mean... I assumed women wanted decent guys who looked after them... maybe I should be more of an a*hole next time!

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 15/07/2019 22:28

How old were the women you dated? I only ask because I have to admit I was probably a bit like this when I was younger. I always ended up attracted to men who were more aloof with me (crazy I know).
I'm now early 40s and I have enough life experience (and crap relationships) under my belt to know that I definitely want a man who treats me right, is supportive and loving and yeah, a bit soppy!
These women were just not right for you. Please don't stop being yourself.

Butterymuffin · 15/07/2019 22:30

You aren't meeting decent women yet. Keep looking. This isn't how all women are by any means.

Honeyroar · 15/07/2019 22:31

it's a silly phase that's over used. I think it actually just means that the chemistry isn't quite right, that's all. It just means you've not found the right person. Someone will appreciate you for who you are. Don't change, keep looking.

Original poster
YeahWellWhoKnew · 15/07/2019 22:33

I'm 41 and the women were 38/38/40

OP posts:
Fizzypoo · 15/07/2019 22:36

When I was younger I liked the chase of being with men who weren't that nice. When I grew up I found a nice guy. I think women change as do men, we become more attracted to stability and niceness.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 15/07/2019 22:37

OLD is a numbers game, stick with it. Their feedback was just a nice way of letting you down.

PickAChew · 15/07/2019 22:37

The treat 'em mean get 'em keen trope is a load of bollocks, so you don't have to go that way, if that's what you're worried about. Far better to treat someone with respect.

Many women would find lots of notes, flowers and declarations of love quite suffocating, though. Maybe by "too nice" they mean you seem a bit over eager - a bit puppy like.

Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 22:38

Is it possible you overdid the love notes etc? I haven’t received a love note since the 1980s and I’ve been in plenty of relationships over the years.

Did you bombard them? Did you really feel so much for all of them that you wanted to send love notes and flowers?

You say women want to be looked after but many want a more equal relationship.

I’m only suggesting that as they all said the same thing and you are obviously asking yourself what could have gone wrong.

sheshootssheimplores · 15/07/2019 22:39

That might be a very polite way of saying the sex wasnt up to much 😬

Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 22:39

When I read online dating profiles, my heart sinks at the kind of man who says, I want a princess to spoil etc.

rightteous · 15/07/2019 22:41

Just be who you are. Maybe ditch the OLD and join hobby groups instead?

Hedgehogblues · 15/07/2019 22:41

They were letting you down gently

vilamoura2003 · 15/07/2019 22:43

It's difficult isn't it - my closest friend is desperate to meet someone and would love to meet a chap as kind as you sound. She has experienced similar with guys, has been ghosted and even went on a date once and the chap didn't turn up 🤷‍♀️. I should hook you up with her 😂😂😂

I suppose you just have to keep going until you find the right person 👍

Isadora2007 · 15/07/2019 22:44

treating a woman right, whether that's flowers, leaving love notes or taking her out

Maybe wait to find out what each particular woman wants in terms of being treated right- some may well like flowers or wee notes but others may feel it is a little “try-hard”...

But nice is seriously underrated and I love the fact that my husband is nice - he is kind and thoughtful and gentle and just an all round “nice guy” which I LOVE and which attracted me to him (when I was 29- youth didn’t make me want to be treated like shit!!)

BedraggledBlitz · 15/07/2019 22:44

I think it's sometimes the fact that you know the "nice" partner would give flowers/compliments/etc to literally anyone. You feel like just another in a line of recipients rather than loved for being you.

Also it can be a bit fake. For example if you act like a dick and you know it - then you lose a bit of respect for someone who puts up with it with a smile, or minimises how crappy you've been.

Not to kick you when you are down, and this might not apply to you at all, but to me "nice" is a bit one-dimensional.

On the other hand, lots of people who love that kind of blind dedicated love so don't feel like you have to change.Flowers

VeThings · 15/07/2019 22:44

Might you have been too cloying for these women? I want a partner and equal, not someone sending me flowers and love notes at the early stages of a relationship (how can you say you love someone so early on in a relationship - I think you’re coming across too strong and too soon).

OLD is a numbers game as pp said - you just need to find the woman who appreciates the flowers and love notes at an early stage.

PicsInRed · 15/07/2019 22:46

Too nice = too much romance not enough sex.

For instance. Too many friendly hugs, not enough "friendly" hugs. Too many goofy moonpie gazes etc etc. That's very likely what "too nice" means. They're around 40 and they wanna get on with it. 🤷‍♀️

Too nice is not code for "treat women like shit, abuse is awesome", it's code for "too much like brother".

Northernsoullover · 15/07/2019 22:48

I do like flowers and love notes BUT we've been together nearly 5 years so the occasional bit of romance is lovely. If he'd have done that in the beginning I'd have been overwhelmed and not in a good way.

Original poster
YeahWellWhoKnew · 15/07/2019 22:54

Just to confirm I didn't leave love notes in the first few weeks and wasn't a declarations of love, nor did I do it all the time.

I would maybe leave a note as I went out early saying have a nice day or similar and I didn't act like a school kid boyfriend either...

And as for the sex comment... they definitely got enough and all three liked it. A lot.. that i know for sure

But thanks for the comments guys I appreciate it

OP posts:
Zenithbear · 15/07/2019 22:56

I'm a romantic so i love all of that but there has to be a connection and passion as well. Don't change though because you will meet someone just right for you, those women were just not for you.

Indigo2019 · 15/07/2019 22:58

If one was particularly special and you were both smitten then fine but you did it to all of them from what you said.

I would have preferred a text to a love note.

jennymanara · 15/07/2019 22:58

Op - we are not guys

category12 · 15/07/2019 22:59

Too nice is just letting you down gently. It means the chemistry isn't right.

It doesn't mean if you behaved like a jerk the relationships would have worked. They still wouldn't have worked only the chemistry would have been wrong and you would have been a jerk as well.

Chelsea26 · 15/07/2019 23:02

Where are you OP? I could do with a date!!! 😂

Hecateh · 15/07/2019 23:04

My son also complained of the same thing. Women saying he was 'too nice'. What one told my daughter was that he would never take the initiative in organising anything. When asked what he wanted (to do or to eat or where to go) he always said 'I don't mind' or 'it's up to you' or 'whatever you want'.

I have also ditched men because they were 'too' nice as in - didn't have an opinion but 'expected' me to choose something that I 'knew' they liked or wanted etc. AND are then (sometimes) passive aggressive because I haven't taken their 'likes' into consideration.

I am not saying that this is you (but my son definitely doesn't understand). You can be too nice. Mostly we want a partnership, someone to show some initiative and enthusiasm for both people's ideas and loves - not just someone that is willing to go along with whatever or just follow our ideas.