Feel stuck..want to stop feelings for other man.

[Justbloodystopit]

I'm going to get stick for this, I know, but it's not going to be any worse that how bad I keep making myself feel. I'm married, for 12 years, we have 2 children and Bern together 17 years. He's wonderful but I feel like a drudge. Just constant work, cleaning, cooking, looking after the kids.. The usual.

I have worked with someone for 8 years, pretty closely, in the same department. Very stressful job, very intense. So you end up making close bonds with colleagues. See him every day pretty much. After a few years it became clear he fancied me, but he's also a flirt and banter is really common at work so I didn't think too much of it. We had an event where we were all away together, drinking in the evenings.. Nothing happened but it was very clear then how he felt. We talked after, made it clear nothing was ever going to happen. I was pregnant shortly after, so that year, with being off for mat leave, was fine. After I returned things ramped up again, the banter, flirting.. Every few months we'd have a talk and each time agree to keep it professional.
5 years on and we are still close, but every year things have got more and more difficult, I started to have feelings for him, we've discussed it in a roundabout way and I've asked him to back off, he has done so. It's appears a couple of his close friends also know he has 'a thing for me'. But just recently we've had to work together more. Couple of social events etc.. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we discussed things again, he admitted he's always liked me, for 8 years.. we both admitted that if I were single we probably would have gone for it. Also there's a 7 year age gap (I'm older!) so it's never in reality ever have been an option, we've both said that too... I'm in my 40s and there's no way I'm starting again. We've come to a mutual decision to cut all contact outside of work, deleted numbers, blocked social media. We've both said there's no point discussing it anymore as it's very simple, I love my husband, I'm not giving anything up and I can't hurt him or my family.
So far, OK.. This was 2 weeks ago. I felt like things had come to a head and even though I felt awful about the things we'd discussed, (by text, drunk, we were both honest about having really deep feelings for each other beyond friendship) I felt like it was finally out there and maybe we could admit that it was dangerous and risky, until now it's just been mucking around having a laugh...making it more real kind of killed it a bit.
I've just seen him after a whole week away from him and I'm in a mess. I just can't stop thinking, doubting myself, wanting to properly talk to him.. He seems fine, but does just treat everything as a joke anyway, doesn't let anything really bother him.
I've got to spend 4 very intense days at work with him now, then one more the following week. I've got 5 weeks then of not seeing him and experience of the last 5 years of this is that I'll be fine, feel much happier, until September when I have to see him again.
We are colleagues and to a certain extent friends, although I've distanced myself as much as possible over the last few years. I've tried to do everything right, I love my husband and he really doesn't compare to this man, not at all.
I just want to stop feeling like this. I told him I wished we'd never met, I meant it. I can't leave my job, he's not going to either. I can't see a way this will ever end really. Just feeling so desperate and guilty and really really down about it all.
If you've managed to get to the end of this well done.. I know it's not the worst problem to have, but I just can't see a way out. I know I've been stupid, I can't imagine how my husband would feel if he knew, he'd be distraught. I just want to stop feeling like this.

You need to change jobs or find out what's missing from your marriage. For all you know your husband is doing similar behind your back. Would you be ok with him spending this amount of energy on another woman?

Never do anything with someone else you wouldn't do in front of your partner. It steps over the line.

It’s just an infatuation . Anyone would enjoy the younger mans attentions . It’s exciting . Get that excitement in with ur husband ! Make changes and spontaneous things in ur marriage.

Remember you only admitted these so called deep feelings while u were drunk and by text . Anytime Uve had a sober face to face conversation you’ve told him to back off . I’ve kept that up for years .

I’d call this drunk ‘ admission ‘ an error , mistake . But the idea of an affair excites you . Not the idea of being with this man .

You said urself , this man can not compare to ur husband .

This is just a blip, a bit of excitement. It will pass and ud regret anything that happened ,

I wouldn’t leave my job . I’d just stay on control , as you have been so far , and perhaps reign in the out of work / friendly contact . Doesn’t mean you can’t work well or laugh together .

And these conversations about feelings need to stop. You know you would never trade him for your husband .

So whatever your feelings are for this guy , you know deep down it’s not the real thing you have for your husband.

U keep thinking about it, but it’s the excitement of the situation , not the excitement of him .

You can be strong and let this pass

Thanks for bring kind. It's all of that really. It's excitement as well, after 17 years that's hard to find. I've made lots of efforts to plan nice things to do, as a family and as a couple. Things have been good. But he works long hours, 13, 14 hr days. He's away a lot. I struggle with doing everything.
I can't leave my job, I've worked hard to make a success and this is only a small part of it, when I don't see him I'm fine. Yes I'm flattered.. I'm 42, I feel more attractive now than I did at 30, I guess confidence, don't really hive a crap anymore.. But attention is attention I guess.
Just need to get through this week and keep it professional I think. I don't think we can still be friendly or have a laugh, it always, without fail goes over the line.

And no, unfortunately the discussions have been stone cold sober sometimes, so it's not drink talking. I only wish it was.
But we've stopped that now.. I have so many questions though, but can't broach it. I have told him we need rules, no drinking together, no nights out, no messages, no contact unless it's work related.
I just want to have an easy, friendly work relationship with him, without all this. It's been 8 years of repeating a cycle, I just can't see how it will end. I think maybe I will feel better in a few weeks when I've not seen him and we've had a family holiday, some time together as a couple too.
My husband does know that he like me, I told him. I told him I was flattered but that it's all fine, we're just friends. He wasn't threatened or bothered. It wouldn't even occur to him to think I'd do anything, he certainly wouldn't, he doesn't have the time!

You could try reading Never Greener by Ruth Jones (a novel). Bit chick litty but hits home.

If you haven’t done anything with this guy in 8 years of fobbing him off , have u wondered whether he would still be chasing after you if you had succumbed to his advances just once ?

Men that age ... the excitement of the chase , spurred on by the let downs etc ....

I’d be very cautious with him , but sounds like you have your head screwed on and will do the right thing .

This isn’t the right thing for society or your family ... it sounds like it is the right thing for you to not get involved with this guy , given that this young 30 year old doesn’t live up to your husband in your mind .

If you did ud be doing it out of curiosity / excitement that’s all .

Your husband sounds amazing that he’s so at ease with what he knows so far...

Spanner in the works. What if your husband was nonchalant because he doesnt care as he's also got an at work infatuation?
What if it's a sign that you don't love your dh?
If I had the capability of such strong feelings for someone else i would know it's because my partnership was lacking, and for letting it carry on so long I'd know I didn't want to work it out with my dh.
Speaking from experience there.

I've often thought what if we had just gone for it, I'd either feel horrible guilty and it would be over, or it would be good and then I'd be in even worse trouble.
Anyway, not going to happen.
Clearly it's the chase, the excitement. Not sure how to find that with DH.
He's lovely, he loves me entirely, we've been through a lot together... But he's quiet, barely talks when he is home. Drinks a lot, not excessive amounts but our weekends seem to feature that. We have an OK sex life, but we are both tired. He does do his fair share of childcare etc if I ask him to, but it's the mental load, I'm constantly juggling everything.
He'd never cheat, I know it. Although he'd say the same about me I guess.
I'm just trying to fill my time, lots of running etc to keep busy. It'll pass I guess. I'll try that book, thanks.

Currently its same old same old. Nothing will change with you until you make a change. Either leave where you are so you never see this bloke again or leave your husband & make a go of it with "affair pattner" (because thats what he is). You cant keep going round in circles.......getting close, having "the" chat, then pulling back only for it to all start up again.

Btw. What is this blokes relationship status during all this...?? Has he had a girlfriend or been dating or has he been single during the last 8 years ??

Logically, you know you probably wouldn't find another guy as supportive as your husband. I'm not sure what you mean by "mental load", but perhaps you are making yourself stressed over things you could just let go of. And an "OK sex life" is still pretty good for a couple who's been married as long as you have with kids. This man at work wouldn't be interested in a relationship. Sex, maybe. Relationship, no. This whole interplay with you is just a game for him to make the work hours pass quicker.

Well I’m still not sure about this younger man , as OP says , he’s known to be a bit o we friendly at work . Some men are just like that and don’t tend to be good relationship material . Good fun though

If OP isn’t happy in her marriage , this could be separate issue . She needs to work on that completely separately and independent of this younger mans influences , and if her marriage isn’t working , she needs to do something about that first , but know that and whatever she plans to do about it has no way been influenced by the workplace flirtation .

• a bit over friendly

Sorry, just catching up, had to spend most of today with him, was OK though.
Yes, it is the same old story. We have literally had this conversation 3 years on the trot. We have the summer away from each other, then it slowly ramps back up again.
He's been staying away recently, the last few months, it's been OK. Then it's gradually got more and more friendly till recent events.
Im not making a go of it with him, like a pp said, he doesn't really want a relationship. He's looking for one, said he wants kids, but did then tell me he'd be OK with not having them and just having someone, even if the had their own. He's kidding himself though, he's not the type to take on someone else's children and certainly not children that would resent him for being the cause of a breakup.
He had a girlfriend, they argued constantly. I kept my distance, never met her. But he still had chats with me, still flirted, still admitted he fancied me. So I'm not interested at all in dome one who could fo that. (the irony is not lost on me that I'm doing exactly that to my husband.. )
So it's definitely not on the cards, at all.
Leaving isn't either, I can't. He might eventually I guess, it would be a relief. But I can't see it.
We've both said it is just fun to make work pass quicker. In the past. But recent chats have been much more about what he feels.
Aargh...
Today was OK. Head still swimming with thoughts, I over think all the time so that isn't unusual. We spent the day together and it was fine, just hot on with jobs, chatted a bit but not too much. I did thank him for bring normal with me and not trying to talk about stuff, we are just trying yo be friends. However he's still flirting, little comments, pretty toned down for him.

Mental load is that I do everything. I know when the birthdays are(his families, who wouldn't get anything if I didn't buy it and post it), where the clean stuff is, what needs doing, what needs buying, how much money we have, who needs picking up from where, I clean, I cook, I do every bedtime, if I need to work late I have to organise childcare, whereas he works till when he bloody likes every night, 8 9pm sometimes. Leaves the house at 7am, havi g done a few things, but not many. Soon as the kids are in bed I'm on my laptop, every night, 2, 3 hrs. I do all school runs, I do every single car journey because he refuses to learn to drive, I am in charge of the house, the children, my career (where, if it hasn't become clear from the holidays etc, I'm in charge of hundreds of other people's children too, plus a bunch of adults who also expect me to know everything... ) and I am just fed up of it.
So yeah, there is my answer really... Along comes a younger man who is moderately hot, he tels me he fancies me, that I'm stunning, gorgeous, etc... He offers to help me, he shows concern, we have conversations that aren't about where his clean pants are or why he's never cleaned the toilet or done a food shop in 17 years...
Thing is my husband is also really amazing in so many ways... loves me, fancies me, is generous in bed, is generous with money and things, tries to support me with work, allows me to work slightly part time... He's trying, but I'm just a stuck record about all the things that are getting me down. This bloke is a symptom of all that really. But even though I know that, I can't stop bloody feeling what I'm feeling, it's ridiculous.

God that felt good to get all that out!

Listen OP, many of us get this, in my first marriage and I was very young, I had a fling because I had 2 young kids, found life surprisingly ground hog day and was hugely flattered and yes attracted to someone else, it didn’t end well , I was caught out and although we stayed together a few more years it never felt the same, this time round I’ve vern on the receiving end, although I found out many years later — in his case it was a crush:infatuation and he went too far and recorded it all and I found the evidence, have never felt quite the same although still married. All I can say is that people are people, many get crushes especially if you spend a lot of time with them but one false move that gets found out can turn you life upside down, not everyone is understanding and feelings can alter no matter if you love DH etc— if you do, then make the decision that it’s purely professional only, no chats, no discussions on how much you like each other, no texting etc.

Is nobody going to say it?

OK then, I will. You are having an emotional affair. You have already betrayed your husband. Disagree OP? Show him this thread and see how he reacts.

If you do not extract yourself permanently from this environment, you run the risk of destroying your own life, your husband’s life and the life of your children. You will only have yourself to blame - although you will expend an inordinate amount of time making up bullish!t to blame your husband instead.

Infatuation is a disease of the mind.

Jabberwocky you're right of course. I'm trying to stop it. I don't want to risk everything over this. I cannot leave my job though. I just can't. I'm 42, I'm head of department, I've worked bloody hard to be good at my job. Maybe in 10 years or do I might be able to find an exit plan but I've been for interviews, each time someone younger and cheaper got it, plus jobs like mine are like hens teeth. I just can't. So what I'm asking is how else I stop feeling like this.
I've blocked him, I font respond to individual emails, we've deleted numbers, I'm trying not to have conversations with him on my own.. I can't avoid some but will avoid most. We aren't discussing it anymore and I'm ignoring all flirty comments. No going out, no drinking together, not even an after school drink.
Trying to keep busy, trying to think ahead right now to when I don't have to see him. Will try to think of strategies for September.
I just need to find a way to stop feeling like this.
Reasons, well, they're my feelings, so not bullshit. I can't help feeling overwhelmed, I'm not blaming him, it's definitely not his fault but I still can't help feeling neglected and unhappy. I can help the way I've responded, the things I've said and done but I can't take it back. I wish I could.

She’s not having a bloody ‘ emotional affair .’

Flirting isn’t an emotional affair

An affair is an affair when you screw etc someone else

God if an emotional affair is a marriage breaker I’m guilty .... I day dream about snogging some Hotty who winked at me for 30 seconds... then shake it off so bloody what ... must I confess ?

Goddamit being at work always brings some workplace flirtation . I remember one day some married senior colleague sent me bloody drunken messages .. ( when I was single ) asking me if we were alone on a bloody island what would I do ... and where was I can I come out ( in the middle of the night ) .

I told him he’s married and we aren’t on a bloody island alone so thank god we didn’t need to worry about that .

Flattering ? Of course ! Exciting yes but did anything happen NO. Does he need to tell his WIFE ?? God no .

Do I think this sort of banter would carry on with this man if I still worked there .. flirting etc ... probably ! Would anything happen . NO .

OP you haven’t had an emotional affair . You are getting flattered by some younger guy and you’ve resisted his clearly resistable charms for 8 years .

You just sound like you are tired in your marriage and all the responsibilities . You need to focus on fixing that .

This man is only helping you to dare to dream of being young and carefree .

But deep down you know you don’t want that

@Jabbercocky totally agree.

@floote

8 years of flirting is.

Flirting for EIGHT years and NOTHING happened
To me it means nothing is going to happen and is isn’t an affair . It could’ve been but it isn’t

Trust me men flirting with a woman for 8 years when nothing happens would just call it banter and a ‘ bit of fun ‘

He's fancied me for 8 years, which I've only just found out. I didn't even really realise he existed for the first couple of years, but did think he might. Barely spoke though for years. It's 5 years of flirting, chatting, banter, whatever. Nearly 2 years of that nothing as I was pregnant or on maternity leave, I later found out he'd tried it on with another woman at work during that time... So yes he's a serial flirter.
It goes through periods of nothing as we've avoided each other and periods of really not talking as we've argued, I've always told him he reacts differently to me because of how he feels, he's recently agreed it's because he cares do gets angry if I've had to pull him up on stuff.
Anyway, so on and off for 5 years, give or take a couple.
Yes maybe it is a d ort of emotional affair, but I'd say that has only transpired in the last few weeks, up until then it's been flirting with a yearly or do conversation about how it's got out of hand and we should stop, which we do. Until the next few months..
I don't want this to continue, I don't. I just don't know how else to stop it, apart from leaving my job.

God sorry my keyboard is rubbish, I made so many typos

All you can do is work on making your marriage more exciting.
Remember how you felt in the early days.
And if that doesn't work imagine how life would be without your husband......,..,.

You haven’t had an affair .

If all these people are going to make out that you have had an affair , you might aswell go all the way .

Don’t label yourself as someone who has had an affair because you haven’t . Not even sort of .

‘Emotional affair ‘ is just something that people have made up to punish spouses for even daring to talk to someone else lol .

Is an ‘emotional affair ‘grounds for a divorce ? ( just out of interest’)