I'm going to get stick for this, I know, but it's not going to be any worse that how bad I keep making myself feel. I'm married, for 12 years, we have 2 children and Bern together 17 years. He's wonderful but I feel like a drudge. Just constant work, cleaning, cooking, looking after the kids.. The usual.
I have worked with someone for 8 years, pretty closely, in the same department. Very stressful job, very intense. So you end up making close bonds with colleagues. See him every day pretty much. After a few years it became clear he fancied me, but he's also a flirt and banter is really common at work so I didn't think too much of it. We had an event where we were all away together, drinking in the evenings.. Nothing happened but it was very clear then how he felt. We talked after, made it clear nothing was ever going to happen. I was pregnant shortly after, so that year, with being off for mat leave, was fine. After I returned things ramped up again, the banter, flirting.. Every few months we'd have a talk and each time agree to keep it professional.
5 years on and we are still close, but every year things have got more and more difficult, I started to have feelings for him, we've discussed it in a roundabout way and I've asked him to back off, he has done so. It's appears a couple of his close friends also know he has 'a thing for me'. But just recently we've had to work together more. Couple of social events etc.. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we discussed things again, he admitted he's always liked me, for 8 years.. we both admitted that if I were single we probably would have gone for it. Also there's a 7 year age gap (I'm older!) so it's never in reality ever have been an option, we've both said that too... I'm in my 40s and there's no way I'm starting again. We've come to a mutual decision to cut all contact outside of work, deleted numbers, blocked social media. We've both said there's no point discussing it anymore as it's very simple, I love my husband, I'm not giving anything up and I can't hurt him or my family.
So far, OK.. This was 2 weeks ago. I felt like things had come to a head and even though I felt awful about the things we'd discussed, (by text, drunk, we were both honest about having really deep feelings for each other beyond friendship) I felt like it was finally out there and maybe we could admit that it was dangerous and risky, until now it's just been mucking around having a laugh...making it more real kind of killed it a bit.
I've just seen him after a whole week away from him and I'm in a mess. I just can't stop thinking, doubting myself, wanting to properly talk to him.. He seems fine, but does just treat everything as a joke anyway, doesn't let anything really bother him.
I've got to spend 4 very intense days at work with him now, then one more the following week. I've got 5 weeks then of not seeing him and experience of the last 5 years of this is that I'll be fine, feel much happier, until September when I have to see him again.
We are colleagues and to a certain extent friends, although I've distanced myself as much as possible over the last few years. I've tried to do everything right, I love my husband and he really doesn't compare to this man, not at all.
I just want to stop feeling like this. I told him I wished we'd never met, I meant it. I can't leave my job, he's not going to either. I can't see a way this will ever end really. Just feeling so desperate and guilty and really really down about it all.
If you've managed to get to the end of this well done.. I know it's not the worst problem to have, but I just can't see a way out. I know I've been stupid, I can't imagine how my husband would feel if he knew, he'd be distraught. I just want to stop feeling like this.