Reaction to wife hitting me

[strugglingdad15]

Hi. My scenario in a nutshell: Mid 40's, 3 kids aged 13 and under. Working dad, stay-at-home mom.

Over the past few years my wife has on occasion of extreme anger, become physical. She's attempted to hit me, torn clothes I've worn, and thrown things at me. To be perfectly fair, at no point have I been actually concerned of being injured.

On three occasions I've successfully walked away/deflected until it was over.

But on two occasons, I restrained her. I held her arms until she calmed somewhat. On one of these I actually held her down until she stopped, but not to the point of harming her, just holding her back.

My perspective is we've both done wrong, fairly equally. While I wish I hadn't even held her back in these moments, I also feel somewhat better that at no point did I ever even try to hurt her, hit back, etc. I don't feel like I'm a victim per se, but I have never, ever started any form of physicality with her.

Her perspective on all this is that my restraining her and holding her down is a far, far worse crime than her attacks. She brings it up over and over again, says that since I'm stronger/bigger and "the man" I have no excuse, this isn't okay, etc. She treats these moments that she was actually the victim here.

Am I crazy? Any perspective would be great, I'm at a total loss as to how to even address the topic.

You havent done wrong equally, you were defending yourself.

She is abusive and you are minimising it.

She needs help before this escalates further. Getting her to agree to that may be another matter.

She sounds very angry. What triggers her 'rages'? Would she consider having anger management counselling?

No, you're not crazy. She is abusive, and you tried to stop her abusing you.

In your shoes, I would leave. You don't have to put up with this and nor should your kids. Is she abusive to them as well?

In your shoes, I would leave.

Me too. Does anyone in real life know?

Thanks so far!

@Windmillwhirl thanks - I haven't cracked the code on that one yet

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy - I don't honestly know, it always starts with "nothing" but obviously is something boiling under the hood. I can't predict it very well.

@SagAloojah she isn't abusive to the kids. I have extremely mild concerns about what happens when they become teens and confront more, but as of now she's a pretty great mom.

You need to leave her!

Her behaviour is disgusting and it will massively and adversely affect your children. I lived in a household where my mum physically abused my Dad and I’m still in therapy at 33!

It's not a code for you to crack, though.bof she is not prepared to address her behaviour you have to leave her.

By staying you are telling her it's OK for you to be treated this way. Do you think it's ok?

This is abusive. If this was the other way round you'd be called an abuser. She is trying to make out your worse because she's a woman. But she is the abuser. You are using self defence. You are not at fault. Kids pick up more than you realise too, please leave for your sake and your kids sake.

Physical abuse is NOT OK.
No matter if you are female or male.
Big or small.
Please stop minimising this.
None of it is OK.
Do the kids ever see this?
Do you argue a lot?

Would she agree to go to anger management.
Stopping her from hitting you and restraining her is nowhere near the same as someone physically attacking you.
Stop listening to her bullshit.

Do you love this woman?
What are her good points?
You should never stay in an abusive relationship.
The only acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship is NONE!!!!

Please consider your long term future with this abusive woman.
How are you going to improve things?
How are you ever going to stop her doing this?
Without consequences she will continue to abuse you.

Your wife is unhinged and abusive. Don't think her behaviour isn't having an impact on your children. You should leave her and take your children with you.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Do not continue to minimise this and or bury your head in the sand ostrich style.

She is abusive towards you and she is not a great mother to these children because she abuses you as her husband. She may not violent towards the kids but they know something is amiss between you two and the fact remains that she is abusive physically towards you. Your kids will pick up on this if they have not already.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what do you think they are learning from the two of you here?

What exactly do you know about her family background?. It may well be that she saw domestic violence within her home. Its a reason, not an excuse. There is NO excuse or justifications for her actions towards you.

I see that another poster has mentioned anger management.
Anger management as well is no answer to domestic violence. She in all likelihood can and does control herself around other people, you are the one she is violent towards. She has a problem with anger, your anger when you rightly call her out on her unreasonable behaviours.

Your only real recourse now is to leave. Please call the Mens advice line and talk to them www.mensadviceline.org.uk/help-and-information/heterosexual-male-victims-of-domestic-violence/

It sounds like she's almost justifying her actions by saying 'you're bigger, stronger, the man' but you wouldn't be restraining her in the first place if she didn't instigate these episodes.
Are you able to talk to her when she's calm and talk through it properly or is she just likely to blow up?.
It's never right to react like this regardless of gender and neither should you walk on egg shells. She needs help with her anger. I'm sorry you're going through this

She is physically abusing you. This is assault.
I am a police officer working in a safeguarding unit and she would/could be arrested and prosecuted for domestic common assault.

I was going to clarify, on the occasions that you've restrained her, even if the restraint has come before she has physically assaulted you, you could still claim self defence due to previous incidents and her behaviour leads you to think she is going to attack you again.

Please talk to her calmly about this and see if she is willing to get help. You don't deserve to put up with this, and your children don't deserve to grow up witnessing it.

LTB.

Domestic violence is always unacceptable.

Whoever does it.

Like practically all abusive people your wife is blaming others rather than looking at her own self here. I think the roots of all this lie in her own childhood, it is highly probable that she saw violence within her parents house when she was growing up. That is what she learnt about relationships when she was growing up.

She does this because she can and her actions here are about power and control, wanting absolute over you. She could well also think she has done nothing wrong here with regards to you so won't ever entertain the idea that she is in the wrong.

As I stated before AM courses are no answer to domestic violence.
Anger management techniques require the angry person to identify the source of their anger, then take steps to de-escalate the anger provoking situation. Batterers may wrongfully identify their victim as being "provoking" when, in fact, it is the abuser's own frustration caused by his/her sense of losing control over the victim that pushes his/her buttons. Anger control techniques do not take into consideration the "premeditated system of debilitating control" that occurs before the abuser shows temper. Abusers weave a web of psychological torment around their victims before wrapping it up with a scary show of abusive anger. The abuser's anger is a tool, not a true emotion, brought out after psychologically abusing the victim to the point of deep, consuming fear.

She’s not a great mum.

wow, thank you for all the personal replies, it's really encouraging to hear. i guess i have probably been minimizing this far more than i should have. i'm a bit of a super-optimistic person and have always thought we'd put things behind us and make progress... i've never really thought about actually leaving before, but maybe this is just an unfixable situation.

thanks again, i've never actually talked about this with anyone before and just discovered this site today. i really appreciate every comment so far!

OP, have you thought about counselling (just for yourself)? It can really help to talk to someone impartial.

Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy and you have indeed taken a first and most important step by writing about what is happening.

This is an unfixable situation and you do not have to continue to suffer in silence.

You can only help your own self ultimately and that also involves removing your children from the violence going on within their home. Their home is no sanctuary to them either. You have a choice here re your wife, they do not.

Aw you sound lovely. Please seek some support.

Have you asked her what is causing these outbursts?
She is obviously unhappy
Suggest councelling to her
Of course, you're not to blame.

Leave the bastard.

Your children are living in a toxic, abusive household. They will be affected by this.

I'd be getting evidence somehow, taking my kids and getting out of there. Next time she starts ring the police, each and every time.

Bored today if this was a woman posting that her partner attacking her would you really give that advice ?

If she embarks on counselling (extremely doubtful) then she needs to go on her own.

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Abuse is not a “relationship problem.” Couples counseling may imply that both partners contribute to the abusive behaviour, when the choice to be abusive lies solely with the abusive partner. Focusing on communication or other relationship issues distracts from the abusive behaviour, and may actually reinforce it in some cases. Additionally, a therapist may not be aware that abuse is present and inadvertently encourage the abuse to continue or escalate.

Both partners should feel and be safe in order for therapy to be effective. A victim may not feel safe with their abuser present and could be hesitant to fully participate or speak honestly during counseling sessions. Alternatively, a victim may have a false sense of security during a session and reveal information they normally wouldn’t disclose. Then, back at home, the abusive partner could decide to retaliate with more abuse.

Agree with all of those before me. This is abuse, and although you may not feel lik a victim, once you walk away, you may feel differently. You need to leave. This is not ok