Reaction to wife hitting me

[strugglingdad15]

Hi. My scenario in a nutshell: Mid 40's, 3 kids aged 13 and under. Working dad, stay-at-home mom.

Over the past few years my wife has on occasion of extreme anger, become physical. She's attempted to hit me, torn clothes I've worn, and thrown things at me. To be perfectly fair, at no point have I been actually concerned of being injured.

On three occasions I've successfully walked away/deflected until it was over.

But on two occasons, I restrained her. I held her arms until she calmed somewhat. On one of these I actually held her down until she stopped, but not to the point of harming her, just holding her back.

My perspective is we've both done wrong, fairly equally. While I wish I hadn't even held her back in these moments, I also feel somewhat better that at no point did I ever even try to hurt her, hit back, etc. I don't feel like I'm a victim per se, but I have never, ever started any form of physicality with her.

Her perspective on all this is that my restraining her and holding her down is a far, far worse crime than her attacks. She brings it up over and over again, says that since I'm stronger/bigger and "the man" I have no excuse, this isn't okay, etc. She treats these moments that she was actually the victim here.

Am I crazy? Any perspective would be great, I'm at a total loss as to how to even address the topic.

Please walk away
It's not ok for anyone to abuse their partner.

Panda, would you accuse a woman of 'seeking validation'?
Snidey. If you think the op isn't genuine then report, or just keep scrolling.

No abuse is acceptable in any relationship, ever.

I can't believe how different the responses are here compared to if a woman posted that a man had hot her and ripped her clothes. Like I literally can't believe my eyes.
OP, log it with the police as PP have said, then make a plan to leave and take your kids. An abusive household is never an acceptable environment for children and you are recognising now what's happening. Time to act. Good luck

I agree with @TeaForDad, tread very carefully and get it logged.

Teafordad is spot on. My partners ex was physically abusive and still managed to convince authorities it was him. She cited a bruise she got from a horse as evidence and literally everyone jumped in and even 2 years on the shit has stuck.

Are they really isolated incidents?

Do you recognise any other abusive behaviours?

Have a look at this list.

www.idas.org.uk/our-services/domestic-abuse/domestic-abuse-checklist/

Even if there is nothing else you shouldn't have to put up with it.

So what is SHE doing about her unhappiness?
Is she looking for a job?
Does she do any hobbies?
Go to the gym?
Have time with girlfriends?

You need to start encouraging her to build her own life now that the DC are older.
But you should still leave.

No-one should accept this kind of abuse.

ManKind might be a good first call.

Hi mate. I've been there. It doesn't get better. Get out. Please.

She's made clear that she doesn't think her behaviour is a problem, and she's not going to do anything about it. In fact, she's turning it around to make you responsible for it. Classic abusive behaviour, and it fucks with your head. It's meant to. It's another control technique.

I know you haven't been scared of being really hurt yet. But ANY form of violence is unacceptable. And what about the day she picks up a weapon? When she hits you, she WANTS to hurt you. She NEEDS you to fall into line, and be compliant. If that isn't happening, some day that knife or heavy object that's lying around is going to get picked up and used. On you.

Please don't restrain her. Just get yourself out of there. As a man, the world will instinctively assume that you're the aggressor (DV is a gender-based crime, dontcha know?). So remove yourself the best you can. Restraining her - while defensible in law - isn't worth the risk. Unfortunately, my ex always knew I'd never strike back, or defend myself. I found myself cornered - pushed into the corner of the kitchen units, and unable to get out without forcibly shoving her (which she knew I wouldn't do). I took the blows instead. If you mark her, nobody will be on your side. Don't ever take the risk.

Even if you think you can take this (you're a man. We're conditioned to believe we can fix stuff), please think of your children. Their parents are their template for what love looks like. What are they learning from her behaviour, and from your decision to stay? What will that mean for their own relationships in the future? What will they put up with, when they should be running away?

In the end, it was the impact on my kids that got me out. No kid should have to shout through their tears "mummy, please stop hitting daddy". No kid should have to watch their dad ask the Police not to arrest their mum. They're always watching. They're learning. Do it for them.

Above all, believe that life gets better. My life is amazing now - my girls and I have never been happier. Take the first step - reach out to The Mankind Initiative. To the Police. Or to a friend or relative.

Good luck.

No you are not crazy & neither was there an equal aggression, you defended yourself. I'm afraid she is an abuser & as is common with such types, she's not content with physical attacks, but also now gaslighting you

"she's "given up her life" for the marriage/family, and it's completely unfulfilling"

Was it her idea to become a SAHM? Anyhow she sounds like a classic narcissist. Everything is always everybody else's fault. You shouldn't have restrained her, but her hitting you was still worse.

You have to ask what she wants? I'm afraid she might simply want out of the marriage. But she wants you to initiate it, and at every step of the way she'll paint herself at the victim. If she is narcissistic, she might make all sorts of accusations at you, and her mind this will all be perfectly justified.

hey all, thanks again SO MUCH for the supportive words and feedback.

we had a huge talk yesterday, in which she finally acknowledged that she's been transferring basically ALL of her unhappiness about life to me. we've agreed that this is her top priority to change - immediately. at which point she totally broke down and apologized for a ton of our conflicts. she recognized she needs to change how she approaches all of this, and acknowledged that i'm actually the only person she does believe in.

in my eyes its a pretty big breakthrough, and i dont think i couldve provoked the conversation without the words you've all shared with me.

i'm not ready to leave at this point, but i think i'm a lot more aware of what's actually going on, as is she, than we were before.

i think for me this is either the beginning of a new phase, or the beginning of the end - but either way its a point to build from.

so again, infinite thank yous!!!

That's great news but please make sure she follows through. She needs professional help and she needs to want to change, not just placate you and get herself out of trouble for her violent behaviour.

If she reverts to previous type, please call her out on it.

As @SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad very eloquently put it, your kids are learning their future relationship templates through how you and your DW treat each other.

Also, great advise about not restraining her if she does it again. JUST WALK AWAY.

Best of luck, I do sincerely hope this is the beginning of a better life for both of you. But please do not hesitate to walk away if it's not.

Greenfingers said it all.

I really hope this is the start of a new beginning for you all. Good luck

Well hopefully it's the beginning of a new start but abusers take a long time to get themselves sorted out.
As a PP said, she WILL need some counselling.
She will also need some time to work on herself and get her life back on track to what she wants it to be.
Well done on tackling it.
It's bloody hard but you've taken that first huge step.
Keep posting for support if you need it.

Yeah great, she's cried and apologised, promised to change and said that you are the only person that can make it happen.

Brilliant.

Now make yourself a GP appointment and talk to them about the violence you've received at her hands. And every time she does something, whether it's throw a sock or rip a t-shirt up - or threaten that it's all your fault that the counsellor (bet she doesn't go) makes her feel bad/has made her realise that you're the abuser - get yourself back there.

Get it written down.

Because she has a pretty good idea that the Endgame could be coming - and you'll need those records.

StrugglingDad can I please implore you to open your eyes fully to all possibilities of what may happen next.

You may have hit a nerve and your wife may have engaged with you to work out how to proceed next - she is after all in her programme. Your "huge talk yesterday" might well be a positive ray of sunshine to you, but it could be one raindrop now diluted in an ocean of seawater as far as your wife is concerned.

Her issues go deep. They go to her childhood and we are talking years of abuse in some form. It is not normal for a loving mum to behave this way. I have no confidence both of you can work this out. She needs sole counselling and it may be a long term commitment, for life even. But she has to commit to that. You have less to gain from counselling, but you may find it helpful in a different way.

Please put your children first. They have a good mum and a good dad. But they are witnessing a horrific relationship.

You could break some chains here. I hope you have the best outcome.