How to deal with anti-gay BIL?

[insertrandomname]

Hello
So I need some advice. Bro in law is vehemently against gay marriage, gay relationships and completely and utterly against gay couples having families.
DW and i are about to break the news to our families that we are expecting () but no idea how to deal with BIL.

For context, he frequently posts about his views on Facebook, made a huge fuss about us getting married and refuses to call me auntie to his children.

I would cut him off completely and never let him meet our future child, but inevitably he will be at family events especially as he's immediate family. I don't know how we should tell him or how we should deal with it when he starts spouting off again.

Any advice?
Thanks

How do the rest of the family view his opinions? I don't think you should be letting him anywhere you or your new arrival, but it is hard if that means cutting out the whole family...

I wouldn't bother telling him. Let him hear on the grapevine.

If he starts spouting off at family events, just tell him you're not interested in hearing his bigotry, walk off and refuse to engage further.

@EnterFunnyNameHere PiL don't agree with him to the full extent but don't fully agree with us being married/having a baby but we spoke this through with them already so we know they'll love the baby regardless. But as they half agree with him they won't challenge his views. Everyone else in the family is really supportive of us.

I will try and ignore him but when we got married he tried to divide the whole family and started having a go at PiL and everyone for supporting us. It caused so much upset and I can see it happening all over again

Are you sure you aren't looking forward to pissing him off?

Why say anything to him at all? As said, let him find out through someone else. Stop validating him by considering him and how to tell him. I can't believe you'd even care.

So what if your child sees him at functions. He can just be that odd relative he/she doesn't see often.

Tell him that really vociferous homophobia is a widely recognised sign of repressed homosexuality. And that homosexuality can be genetic, so if his sister is gay...

Maybe that would shut him up.

He will find out.
Due to his views, you don't owe him anything in the way of letting him know or advising him on this.
He can find out via the normal channels.
And please block him on facebook.
Congratulations OP.
I wish you both all the best.

@Windmillwhirl if it was my brother then yeah, I'd be ready to have the row I've wanted for years, to properly tell him what an asshole he is and how much he's hurt us over the years. But that isn't fair on DW, and it would only make her parents side with him. As soon as we try and argue back they get all upset so we've had to take it like doormats for 10 years.

They're a very close family, we regularly meet up for dinner and gatherings and everyone knows what's going on in everyone's lives constantly, he will know straight away as PiL will tell him instantly. Up to now he's lived too far away to attend most of these but is about to move closer and he'll be around a lot more.

@growlingbear I'd put my life savings on him being gay!

@hellsbellsmelons thanks :-)

Can your wife's parents break it to him? Might be good for them to witness his abusive rant.

Is he your wife’s brother - what does she say? Or is he your in law through another sibling? What does that sibling say about his behaviour? Tell your family member and he can find out your news through them.
I’d tell him unless he can accept your choices then he is not welcome at family things you organise. If you see him at a family gathering, be polite but do not engage.

I can’t imagine why you or your wife would want to spend much time with family members who are (1) vociferously homophobic or (2) slightly less vociferously homophobic but won’t challenge the people who are (1). How can a family be ‘close’ when some members are indulging a deep-rooted prejudice against the sexuality of others?

I agree Bostonferl they baby be that close with this undercurrent.

If my mother sat back and let my brother hurl abuse at me over my sexuality, I'd cut her out as well as him.

They are all enabling his behaviour by not challenging him and allowing him to spread his vile comments

They can't be that close*

@Pipandmum it's DW's brother. She said once the baby comes if he ever says anything against him/her then that would be the final straw but up until now has been willing to keep peace. He's lived far away so not been an issue to ignore him but will be a whole different story once he's back on the scene.

@BostonFerl these are very good questions! It's only PiL, other siblings are all perfectly fine with us. And PiL have put so much effort into trying to understand it and actively tried to put their beliefs aside and have been very welcoming of me, they just find it all a bit difficult.

What hellsbellsmelons said.

Congratulations to you and your partner.

You do not need to announce the news to your vile homophobic BIL nor do you or your DW owe him any kind of explanation.

Personally, I would block him on Facebook and try to reduce contact as much as you and DW see fit.

Does the rest of the family accept his homophobia? I'm so sorry that you and DW have this sad situation. I feel it's a conversation to be had between the two of you before your child is born, about how much contact - if any - you want the child to have with BIL and other family members who tolerate homophobic hate.

@Windmillwhirl they don't see it as abuse, that's the issue. They think he's entitled to have a different view to us 

Thanks @Chochito really appreciate your words

PiL just don't see it as homophobia. He genuinely believes that God thinks it's wrong and that it's his duty to make sure he tells us this at every opportunity. They think it's ok for him to have his views and us to have ours and that somehow we're supposed to just agree to disagree. If we 'attack' his Christian beliefs then they see that as bad as him 'attacking' our belief that it's ok to be gay.

Your wife needs to cut him out. He's not going to shut up around your child. This is clearly not going to work out well long term.

I'd say be blunt with him if he kicks off when you are all together and the baby is here.

Tell him (and PIL if necessary) that you are not judging his way of life, sexuality and beliefs, so you would greatly appreciate it if he would refrain from judging yours.

Limit contact with him after the baby is born until you can gauge how arsey he is going to be.

Congratulations on your expected new arrival.

@Windmillwhirl I agree. Reading all these responses I've realised how blinded I am to how seriously bad his behaviour is. I think I've been so used to tolerating people saying it's wrong that I've learnt to accept that it's ok for them to have a different view and not felt I have any grounds to challenge. But you're all right, that it's not even worth trying to make this work and maybe having another conversation with PiL to be clear that his views do not mean anything to us. DW and i are going to discuss more too as we were way too passive about his behaviour when we got married (he pulled some outrageous stunts)

Thanks @Topseyt that's a good line to have up our sleeve. I think I'll say we don't comment on his life so he shouldn't be able to comment on ours. He's a very authoritative domineering person, in the past made us feel like naughty schoolkids but we're much older now so should be able to stand up for ourselves

Which of you is pregnant? Depressingly that might make a difference to how accepting he is of the child.

@Yourostar DWs pregnant which I think will make it worse as if it was me he'd probably just ignore me as usual.

OP, everyone is entitled to a viewpoint, but they're not entitled to discriminate on the grounds of that viewpoint. There are people who find homosexuality impossible to accept, just like there are those who think SAH men is wrong, or people with a disability shouldn't not have children, or women should obey their husbands.
What your BIL is doing goes way beyond having different beliefs. It is bigoted in the worst possible way and by his parents not calling him out on it they too are bigoted. If you want your child to grow up full of confidence and self belief, don't let them spend any time whatsoever in the company of these people.
I would be speaking to in laws and telling them that unless you have their full support in this matter they will be spending zero time with their grandchild.

Tell your PiL that your BiL is secretly gay. Explain that you found out from several different friends that he routinely uses male prostitutes. Ask them not to say a word to him that you know (your PiL sound like my parents- no way they will confront him).

Every time he is mean, be super nice to him and then smile knowingly at his parents. When he is out of the room, constantly excuse his behaviour as struggling with who he is.