To the women whose DH's accuse them of nagging

[Astala]

After 7 years of being labelled a nag and feeling twice my age and exhausted because of it, I recently had a lightbulb moment.
Nagging is clearly us communicating that we need our partners' help. Nagging is asking for help (in an infuriated tone after requesting it so many times already.)

Nagging is saying "help me."

Why are we saying help me in the first place? And why are we asking for help repeatedly?

Because actually, it's our partners who have put too much pressure on us in the first place, because actually it is them that have high expectations of us and not the other way around.

So when you work and have young children and are still expected to take on the lion's share at home, that is him having too many expectations of us.

When the parties and holidays are left to us to organise (yet they also want parties and holidays) they are expecting far too much of us.

When they can't get up and motivated on the mornings and leave us to constantly remind them of the time, to get them going to remind them to help dress the kids, they are expecting too much.

So we may be the "nags." But they are the ones expecting too much in the first place, they may aswell be nagging.

But they tactfully know that if things don't get done, we will do them anyway, because we can't help but be the primary homemakers and care givers.

So next time DH calls me a nag, I'm just going to think/say. No, you're asking far too much of ME actually and I'm the one frantically yelling HELP.

I plan to stop adhering to his expectations. There will be no more parties, no more holidays, I will hire a cleaner to come in and clean, because he expects too much of me.
And if he wants things to change, I guess he will just have to begin expecting more of himself.

Just wanted to share.

Thank you for sharing that. I can certainly relate. What a great moment of clarity. I shall keep this in mind.

If I am accused of 'nagging' I always reply "I wouldn't have to nag if you'd done it the first time I asked you."

Calling women a nag is a way of shutting us up and making us feel small, so that we WILL quietly go about doing everything that they can't be arsed to do.

I used to dread being called a nag by my ex, so I just wouldn't ask for the help. His tactic worked... For a while. Note: he's an EX.

I guess he will just have to begin expecting more of himself.

You rock 💪

(can I borrow you)

DH accused me of nagging once, years ago. He's never done it again

My reply contained rather a lot of f-words as far as I can recall.

I actually asked my exH: have you actually ever thought that the nagging, as you call it, it’s just a constant alarm bell I pull? And that if DD would have to repeatedly be reminded, asked and cajoled, she would have seen the consequences by now?
According to him ‘it doesn’t bother him’, therefore it doesn’t need to be done.

You are right, OP.

Mine likes to say it doesn't bother him either, but he will soon notice that nothing is being planned and organised... although he will likely then jump on other peoples plans instead and go holidaying with his mates instead of his family.

He expects me to be responsible for the home and kids, yet he expects me to work, so I work in a job that allows me to work partly from home in the evenings, but then he expects me to be able to watch the kids who keep waking up whilst I work because he expects to be able to go out on an evening enjoying his hobbies. He also expects me to enjoy my hobbies too, because he's kind and would never expect me to give anything up.

It's a joke really, isn't it?

It's a trap. I expect you to have my kids, I expect you to nurture them and expect you to go to work and bring money in and I expect you to do it all at the same time, whilst keeping your fun-loving attitude to life, giving me sex and blowjobs and cooking for me and cleaning up after me and also going out and having your own fun too, cuz I would never ever stop you having your fun, would I my love?

And this is why we need our mothers.

And those of us who don't have them around...

We need men who don't expect too much of us, if at all.

I would book a cleaner for sure. And anything else which helps you, and makes consequences for him.

Yes! My DH is going to mega regret it the next time I'm accused of nagging.

I've told DH "you are expecting too much of me here" a few times over the last few days instead of nagging and I do feel he's turned his head more due to my choice of wording. By putting the focus on the impact it's having on me rather than "nagging" him to do x,y and z, his ears seem to have pricked up a little. I can tell because he's saying "I think you do a great job, you know..."amongst other things.

Will be interested to see if it makes a difference for others too?

Men nag as well as women. Nagging can be part of a power struggle, if you want something doing why not do it yourself. Why does one partner have the power to determine who does what.

'Don't nag me' is manspeak for 'i will do what the fuck I like and behave like a lazy irresponsible slob if I want to'

Simple sentance to remember and one to be shared with every lazy partner that has to be nagged.

"A partner should make life better, not worse, if they don't, they shouldn't be a partner"

Or, even shorter to be used when discussing such things with a lazy partner:
"Shape up or fuck off"

Don't put up with a life of drudgery enforced on you by the whim of someone else.

if you want something doing why not do it yourself

Because you both chose to have children.
You chose clean clothes, clean home, clean crockery.

You can’t chose AND expect another to provide.

DH steps up because I expect him to!

This thread should have a sticky.

Nagging can be part of a power struggle, if you want something doing why not do it yourself. Why does one partner have the power to determine who does what.

You are totally right. Why is that, in the case of the OP, her DH is unilaterally deciding he isn’t doing much around the house and has therefore decided that it’s the OP who should be doing all those things? Why does he have that power to decide what she is or isn’t doing? Which weirdly include having a hobby and enjoying it (!) wo giving her the means to actually do that

So yes, no one should tell another partner what to do, including the men who think that HW is done by the fairies or having a cleaner costs too much (and their dw can do it anyway so what’s the point?).
So the OP can just stop doing those things too!

OP IF your DH decides its easier to tag along with mates holidays rather than making the effort to organise one for the family, please think twice. And make sure you actually do organise a holiday for you and the dcs but WO HIM (who had his hols already anyway)

I think men who accuse their partners of 'nagging' are misogynists.

It's just a way of dismissing their partners often very reasonable requests (e.g. can you help more with x) and making them feel bad for asking for equal responsibilities within a relationship.

It's said to shut you up and make you buy into to the bullshit women are taught from birth by society that we should be quiet, do as we are told, don't ask questions, put our needs last and look after the 'man of the house'. This is all very subtle and very pervasive.

If you are communicating your needs to your partner and are accused of nagging, then they clearly dont want to take any responsibility for their actions and want to make you feel like a 'bad wife' for even having needs in the first place.

Fuck that!! I used to put up with this crap but any man who calls me a nag now would be shown the door.

because he's saying "I think you do a great job, you know..."amongst other things
How fucking condescending.
This is why I am so so happily single.

@Astala

On the holiday front, if your OH will just go off on holiday with mates if you don't organise one, let him!

Then organise a holiday just for you and DC. You will be amazed how stress free and enjoyable it will be even though you will be doing all the childcare (but I imagine you would be even if he was there?)

I did exactly this one year and we had a lovely, relaxed break with no arguments and just doing the things we wanted to do. I had been worried about coping on my own with flights, driving and the inevitable rows that always seemed to erupt on our family holidays, but the reality was that everything was so much easier when I was in charge and didn't have to fight against another adult trying to overrule me. I also realised that most of the arguments were actually provoked by DH taking out his moods on everyone else.

Got me thinking that our whole lives could be like that without him around.

" If you want something doing why not do it yourself"
Because I'm working on my laptop to earn money to pay the bills and the kids need to eat and I can't cook for them at the same time whilst you lie on the sofa watching cricket and scratching your balls.

That's why we can't always do it ourselves.

🙄

we can't help but be the primary homemakers and care givers
Thankfully I can.

You are not wrong.

My x had v high standards as well.

Things are easier on your own.

‘I wouldn’t have to nag if you fucking pulled your weight around the house’ has worked for me as a response.

The older I get the more I think, when I read threads like this, “Life’s too short-dump him”