To the women whose DH's accuse them of nagging

[Astala]

After 7 years of being labelled a nag and feeling twice my age and exhausted because of it, I recently had a lightbulb moment.
Nagging is clearly us communicating that we need our partners' help. Nagging is asking for help (in an infuriated tone after requesting it so many times already.)

Nagging is saying "help me."

Why are we saying help me in the first place? And why are we asking for help repeatedly?

Because actually, it's our partners who have put too much pressure on us in the first place, because actually it is them that have high expectations of us and not the other way around.

So when you work and have young children and are still expected to take on the lion's share at home, that is him having too many expectations of us.

When the parties and holidays are left to us to organise (yet they also want parties and holidays) they are expecting far too much of us.

When they can't get up and motivated on the mornings and leave us to constantly remind them of the time, to get them going to remind them to help dress the kids, they are expecting too much.

So we may be the "nags." But they are the ones expecting too much in the first place, they may aswell be nagging.

But they tactfully know that if things don't get done, we will do them anyway, because we can't help but be the primary homemakers and care givers.

So next time DH calls me a nag, I'm just going to think/say. No, you're asking far too much of ME actually and I'm the one frantically yelling HELP.

I plan to stop adhering to his expectations. There will be no more parties, no more holidays, I will hire a cleaner to come in and clean, because he expects too much of me.
And if he wants things to change, I guess he will just have to begin expecting more of himself.

Just wanted to share.

BertrandRussell

I agree. I don't know why any woman in the world would tolerate being with a useless lump of a lazy shit bag.
Too many women would be happy and cheerful if it wasn't for the 15stone anchor round their neck.

There is a reason why men live longer and are happier when they are married whereas for women, it’s when they are single...

DH doesn't particularly often, but I hate it when he does. I had a lightbulb moment a few years aho realising that patriarchy only is the reason that 'nagging woman' is a trope rather than 'man who never does anything when he says he will'. Men have the upper hand, so they invent a trope to silence women from perfectly reasonably requesting what they want so they can carry on drinking/watching telly/being on the internet undisturbed.

Honestly this isn't my experience at all, nagging happens when you want them to share the load that includes a lot of things they simply don't care about: a level of cleanliness, tidiness, planning and organising they're not bothered about. Surely if they want stuff done and have high expectations it's easy to demand they do their share. The problems come when they simply don't care if something is done or not, or actively think said task isn't necessary so why should they take it on? If they have high standards they can bloody well contribute to maintaining them!

Exactly Rayna. And if they don't, help will be brought in which will cause consequence for their own back pockets... hit them where it hurts.

I refuse to run myself into the ground anymore.

It's asking. It's only nagging if they don't help the first time. And if they don't help when you ask they're dickheads.

No such thing ad nagging. It's simply asking repeatedly because you got ignored the first X amount of times you asked. I hate that men (it's usually them) accuse women of nagging to cover the fact they're lazy or ignorant.

It's pure apathy and neglect on their part for allowing the lion's share to fall on our plates.

Of course they expect it. They may not voice their expectations, but they also expect a certain level of living. My husband definitely expects me to work but gives me little time or space at home to do so. He surely expects his children to eat, but doesn't prepare a meal as he expects that I will do it. He expects to go on holiday,but he won't pack for one, he will leave all the packing to me. And it isn't easy to demand he does his share at all. He knows that if he slacks off, I will pick up that slack.

So why put up with it OP?

Put it this way.

If a person loved someone, would they let that person get stressed? Over worked? Upset? Etc or would that person do everything in their power to not let the person they love feel that way?
He's got the ability to help you, he chooses not too and everytime he does he thinks to himself,
"Fuck it, she can do it, I'm more important"
Doesn't sound loving to me.

@BertrandRussell same here. When I read "next time DH calls me a nag", my heart sank. OP is expecting her husband to say something offensively misogynist to her, and planning a response that might make him notice that he's treating her like a dishcloth. What a life.

My sister is a terrible nag I asked my brothering law how he copes with it and he said he just ignores it as it winds her up more than himself.

My sister is a terrible nag I asked my brothering law how he copes with it and he said he just ignores it as it winds her up more than himself.

Maybe suggest he gets off his arse and helps her out more?