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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When is the right time to end? Is there a right time?

46 replies

Headinhands2019 · 15/07/2019 09:43

Hi all,

I have been in a relationship for just coming up to 9 years. We have three beautiful children and on paper it's the perfect family. We have had rocky times in the past however this year has been tough. We decided recently to give it one last go however it seems to be slipping back to normal.

I just don't think it'll get any better. I have loads of reasons not to leave at the moment although they might seem to be excuses. Summer holidays coming up, then kids starting new year. I can't help but feel guilty.

Any advice?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/07/2019 09:49

There is never any one good time to leave; there is always some occasion or other but those are really excuses. If its over, its over and you cannot rescue and or otherwise save what could well be a failed marriage here on your own.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. Would you want them to experience a relationship like this as adults; no you would not. You do not have to either going forward. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Lozzerbmc · 15/07/2019 09:56

I agree theres no good time but being deeply unhappy is no good for you or the DCs. You have tried relate and really have no other options to explore to save it? If so, I’d make a good plan for how it will all work and get legal advice as to where you stand with house. All the best

LemonTT · 15/07/2019 10:04

The best time to go is well before it becomes an acrimonious mess. That will happen if one of you had an affair or you descend into petty bickering and arguments. Letting things drift increases the likelihood of this and ensures the children will suffer.

If you are both unhappy then you should accept the inevitable and work towards an amicable and managed split. There are lots of things you can jointly sort out before the children get told. But that means you can answer their questions.

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 15/07/2019 10:10

Thank you for the input so far. I just don't seeing things getting back to how they were. I think emotions are still fairly high, well for me at least.

The thought and feeling of her with another man and then him living in the family home makes me sick. I guess that feeling eventually subsides?

OP posts:
Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 15/07/2019 10:36

Anyone else been or going through similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 15/07/2019 16:34

Anyone?

OP posts:
changeoverover · 15/07/2019 17:00

There is never a good time. If you have decided you want to end things then you shouldn't string her along. You need to be honest and discuss things amicably- what will happen, who will move out, how to arrange finances etc.
Don't do it unless you are 100% sure though. Mumsnetters are always quick to say LTB or divorce etc, but have you considered marriage counselling?
I am going through similar in that me and dh have had an incredibly rocky year, but we are slowly trying to put the pieces of our marriage back together again. Some days are good, some I feel like what is the point, but we haven't been trying for long and I'm realistic enough to realise that these things can't be fixed in a matter of weeks.

LucyLovesCheese · 15/07/2019 17:00

The answer is there is no good time, Being in an unhappy relationship eats away at you and you start losing focus on things like work and family.
It helps to realise there is no “good” time you will never be 100 per cent sure but life is passing you by whilst your dithering.
Change is hard and the unknown is scary but you know what things will be like if you stay so you need to decide which option scares you more leaving or staying.

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 15/07/2019 18:50

What about the thoughts about another guy in the family home?

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 15/07/2019 19:04

That is in the future and may not even happen.

crappyday2018 · 15/07/2019 19:13

OP I ended things with my ex of 17 years while his Mum was terminally ill. That could not have been a worse time and he still hates me for it.
Sadly our relationship had gotten so bad, I had to end it before I became ill myself. I came on here for advice and everyone told me to do it as it was the best thing.
So, what I'm saying is, there is NEVER a good time you just have to bite the bullet.

changeoverover · 15/07/2019 19:13

@Headinhands2019
That is something you will have to deal with. Eventually she may move on and you (rightly so) will have no say.

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 15/07/2019 20:19

Thank you guys. I guess you have to look at the bigger picture and things will eventually be better on the other side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 26/07/2019 05:01

Morning everyone. It's stupid o clock however can't sleep.
An update:
Things came to a head last night and we had the talk about moving forward.

She says she has been unhappy for years but kept a brave face on for the family. But it's not all be bad. We had been trying to make it work recently however last night got too much and I just broke down. Reality kicking in I guess. I said that once I leave this time there's no going back and is she completely done. She said they're may be regrets and could be huge mistake however she thinks it's done with.

I still want to fight for this. Can this turn around?

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 26/07/2019 05:49

I think if you feel sick at the thought of her with another man there must be some feelings there. My DH and are having issues and the thought of him with someone else doesn't upset me at all. It's one of the alarm bells for me.

Why did you say once you leave theres no going back if you feel you want to fight for it? Were you hoping it might shock her into realising it was going to be truly over and make her fight for it? Theres no place for those tactics at this stage. Though I can understand your desire to feel that she wants to fight for it. But maybe she doesn't. It sounds like to her it may be truly over. In which case sadly there's no choice left for you.

Just tell her you want to fight for it. Be honest. Consider some time apart? Lay your honest feelings out there so there's no regrets.

Needsomebottle · 26/07/2019 05:54

Do you know where you would like to be a year or five years from now? I read a book this week that made this very good point. When you set off on a ten hour car journey you can't see the final destination. If you wait at home until you can see the destination before you set off you will never leave. But that destination is really nice. And you know that because you've seen photos and read about it. You wouldn't let the fact you can't see it from your house prevent you from going.

I liked that. Think about where you'd like to be. Put the steps in place to get there. But don't expect to see the whole journey from the starting point. Part of it will be a leap of faith but you can get there if you are both willing.

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 26/07/2019 05:55

Thanks for the reply. I said to her one I'm gone that's it because we split up before and I got my own place. Then went back a month after.
She has said she's lost all fight and has nothing else to give. So I've basically answered my own question.
We have three young children together 2,6 &8. Things weren't perfect but didn't really see this coming and so quickly.
She said she broke down in work the other day and came home early. I guess she's had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 26/07/2019 05:58

Sounds like a great book. I totally understand what you mean. Also it's about being out of the comfort zone.

OP posts:
Miniloso · 26/07/2019 06:14

It sounds like it’s run its course. The best thing you can do now is to work really hard at remaining amicable for the kids.

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 26/07/2019 09:00

When and how do you tell the children? What about moving stuff out, make sure they're not in?

OP posts:
Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 26/07/2019 10:46

Any advice out there?

OP posts:
Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 26/07/2019 15:49

Bump

OP posts:
SchoolGateBeta · 26/07/2019 17:11

Needs.. I completely agree regarding seeing them with someone else. We're having problems (for years) too. And I honestly don't think it would bother me if dp met someone else. In fact I actively wish it as he will neither work at relationship nor work towards ending it together.

But if he met someone else, then I think I'd feel happy for him and wish him well. Alarm bells surely. Surely I should imagine feeling sad. And jealous etc So op if that makes you feel sick there may be something worth putting the effort in for.

sackrifice · 26/07/2019 17:17

What about the thoughts about another guy in the family home?

This is your main concern?

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 26/07/2019 17:20

It's one of my many concerns. I'm leaving this weekend and going back to parents. I gave her 4 opportunities last night and today to change her mind but she's done.

OP posts: