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Original poster

Advice regarding "dating" a separated but not yet divorced man needed

47 replies

Borelis · 14/07/2019 23:45

Backstory is he was/is married for 12 years, no kids (had fertility issues), says they're separating through no fault of each other (just that they grew apart according to him). He was on a dating app and so is she apparently. He has gone to separation counselling etc. with her to sort out finances, etc. (they separated ~9 months ago) and he says they are on friendly terms (she still does him favours e.g. running errands but there's no emotional bond there).

Says he's waiting for the "no blame" legislation to come in (no idea when that will be ..??) before officially filing.

Been on a few dates with him, all great so far - lots of talking, some physical contact (making out etc) but obviously, I feel awkward about the fact he's still legally married.

Any advice? How long does a fairly simple divorce case usually take (i.e. fairly amicable, no kids, no fighting over finances)?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 14/07/2019 23:46

Don’t.

Wait for divorce to be final first.

Says he's waiting for the "no blame" legislation to come in (no idea when that will be ..??) before officially filing.

This would be ringing alarm bells for me.

Ginandsonic · 14/07/2019 23:47

I've been separated 6years and we still aren't divorced. Basically coz I can't afford the court fees and he can't be arsed to file the paperwork. It wouldn't bother me.

Flyingquestion · 14/07/2019 23:51

Are they still living together?

If so, then I would ask him to contact you again once and if they separate properly.

GodDammitAmy · 14/07/2019 23:52

Tread carefully OP. The waiting for legislation to change is concerning. It may not happen or at least for a long while yet. It doesn't sound very closed to me. Having said that, if you can visit him at home or he can show you any evidence then go for it. My DP is still married and although it is definitely over and the divorce is going through it has still caused difficulties.

newtlover · 14/07/2019 23:54

don't
they aren't even seperated
just don't
you, and she are worth more than that

newtlover · 14/07/2019 23:55

I would bet £20 he is lying to you

LemonRedwood · 14/07/2019 23:55

I met DH while he was separated, waiting for decree nisi.

They were together 10 years, married for 18 months. All amicable, no kids, shared property already sold. Decree absolut came through about 8 months after our first date.

My DH has always maintained that it had just run its course, they never should have got married, just one of those things etc. He will not speak ill of his ex. His brother, however, has given me all the unpleasant details of how she treated him and what happened when her cheating came to light. I admire my DH for never saying a bad word about her. He's a better person than I am.

MrsBertBibby · 14/07/2019 23:56

Are they living in the same house?

Dieu · 15/07/2019 00:02

My standards are high in the online dating game, but it wouldn't bother me to date a separated guy.
As long as they'd been apart for an appropriate length of time, I'd be fine with that.
Divorced people can cheat too!

Original poster
Borelis · 15/07/2019 00:43

Yes they are living in separate houses (they both own properties so he's living at the one he owns).

He said that if he didn't wait for the no blame legislation to change, filing blame-less would mean it'd take 5 years for the divorce to come through..? but he's still to do research on it as he's not super sure of all the ins and outs regarding it all.

OP posts:
EileenAlanna · 15/07/2019 01:11

Afaik it only takes 5 years if one party won't agree to the divorce so why is he saying this if they've both agreed & it's all amicable?

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 15/07/2019 01:16

It’s only two years if they both agree.

Birdie6 · 15/07/2019 01:42

Agree with PP - it's 2 years if you both agree. Why is it taking him so long to find out this every basic piece of information ? He is still to do research on it Come on ! Five minutes research on Google would tell him what he needs to know - he just can't be bothered OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2019 02:20

I was still technically married but legally separated with a separation agreement when I met DH. I'm just a bit disorganized and got divorced sharpish when I fell in love!

It's two years so he's either lying, and she's not OK with things, or he hasn't bothered to check (really unlikely).

Maniak · 15/07/2019 02:46

"she still does him favours, e.g. running errands"

Who does that for their ex? Seriously.

Ball00nHead839 · 15/07/2019 03:35

Legally they are still married

They may never divorce, ever !

Ideally, it would be better for you to date a single person

If you continue to date, bear the consequences in mind

newmomof1 · 15/07/2019 04:24

@Borelis your post reads like you have absolutely no faith in anything that he's told you. Tryst your gut instinct on this one.

newmomof1 · 15/07/2019 04:25

Trust... not tryst!

ChangingStates · 15/07/2019 04:38

Me and my ex separated mostly amicably nearly 2 years ago, we are only just divorcing now. We still get on well, see a fair amount of each other- have children though. I have been in another relationship for a year and am totally committed to it and me & ex are completely over despite still legally being married. You can be divorced and still have an emotional involvement with your ex or separated and have none- I wouldn't be walking away from the start of something good and new purely because they haven't yet divorced, unless there are other things that make you worried about him & his emotional availability.

MrsBertBibby · 15/07/2019 07:51

I'd just crack on, unless you genuinely think there's an issue.

I split with my arse of an ex in 2005, but a month ago I fetched him home and sat with him after his colonoscopy, because his idiot adult son blew him out. Because I'm a bloody nice person and he's a sad git with no actual friends, despite continually maintaining that everyone loves him and hates me.

Beamur · 15/07/2019 07:57

I met my DH when he was seperated but not divorced. Not an issue really.
But, you do have to be sure he really has ended the previous relationship emotionally. He may just not be clear about the requirements around divorce (mine wasn't until he looked into it).
It can be a bit tiresome to unpick all the shared financial stuff, I can imagine some couples who are amicably split drag their heels until they need to sort it out.

Isadora2007 · 15/07/2019 07:59

I was engaged to DH while still married to exH. We’d been separated for over a year when I met DH but we weren’t divorced... it wasn’t a big deal.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 15/07/2019 08:01

2 years for no blame if they've separated and both agree. Waiting for legislation to change is bonkers, could be a decade. My boyfriend and I started dating before divorce as we were waiting on 2 years so I don't see an issue with dating. Divorce is fecking expensive so I do understand why people put it off but whilst people are married they have a legal entitlement to each others assets whoever's name they're in so I wanted the clean break financially. Ok it's early days but if you buy a house together she may have a claim on the equity. Is that what he wants?

MeltedEggMum2 · 15/07/2019 08:04

I wouldn't worry, tbh, but I have zero interest in ever getting married again myself so the legal entanglement doesn't bother me. I'm not divorced yet but emotionally and physically separated and will never get back together with stbxh. If any man had a problem with that, well. Shrug.

Mac47 · 15/07/2019 08:28

I waited the 2 years because my xh was an abusive bastard who told me he would kill me if I told anyone what he had done under the 'unreasonable behaviour' category. If I hadn't been so scared of him, i would have divorced him immediately just to be free.