Advice regarding "dating" a separated but not yet divorced man needed

[Borelis]

Backstory is he was/is married for 12 years, no kids (had fertility issues), says they're separating through no fault of each other (just that they grew apart according to him). He was on a dating app and so is she apparently. He has gone to separation counselling etc. with her to sort out finances, etc. (they separated ~9 months ago) and he says they are on friendly terms (she still does him favours e.g. running errands but there's no emotional bond there).

Says he's waiting for the "no blame" legislation to come in (no idea when that will be ..??) before officially filing.

Been on a few dates with him, all great so far - lots of talking, some physical contact (making out etc) but obviously, I feel awkward about the fact he's still legally married.

Any advice? How long does a fairly simple divorce case usually take (i.e. fairly amicable, no kids, no fighting over finances)?

If they get on, there's no reason to delay divorcing, because one can file for unreasonable behaviour, and the other just doesn't contest it.

By the time we were doing the paperwork, I was already seeing someone, so it was easiest for us to use the 'adultery' reason. Why doesn't he do that? Nowadays no-one cares about the reason, and it has no impact on the finances either, so him saying that reason makes me think he's bullshitting.

My divorce took 8 months. Could've been faster, but we weren't in a rush.

I met DH2 when I was separated, we'd gone past the 2 years but I'd only just started to get the ball rolling re divorce not longer before we started going out.

Its 2 years if both parties are fine with it.

He said that if he didn't wait for the no blame legislation to change, filing blame-less would mean it'd take 5 years for the divorce to come through..? but he's still to do research on it as he's not super sure of all the ins and outs regarding it all

They've been separated for 9 months but he still hasn't actually done any research on it??!! That rings some serious alarm bells for me.
And it's 2 years for a no-blame situation if both parties agree.

It's fine if it's amicable, it takes 2 years to get a divorce, we've sorted everything but are waiting for them or the new no fault legislation, whichever is sooner. Don't see why I can't move on...

Thanks everyone so far. So is it 2 years from point of separation or from when the divorce application is sent off?

Hi OP, I am dating a man who had been separated for 6 months when we met, but marriage had been dead for a long time and split very amicable. I don't think I would have started dating him if his separation hadn't been amicable, as I truly felt that he was emotionally over his marriage by the time we met.

It still is complicated in many ways, he is still sorting out his divorce now. However, it felt right to me at the time and it still does.

My advice is to follow your gut. Life and relationships are not always black & white. If you feel he is emotionally and mentally available and you fancy him, go ahead. If you feel he is still very entangled in his marriage, steer clear.

it's 2 years from when they separated and there needs to be proof of a physical move e.g. separate addresses and bills from a certain date.

2 years from separation. If the divorce is amicable and easy regarding finances, then it can take as little as 6 months from start to finish of application.
A basic guide is here (which even a basic google finds)
www.gov.uk/divorce

He's spinning you a line re divorce, as you now see from this thread.

I was separated for 15 years before we got divorced, Finances all sorted out. I never thought anything of it - to me it was just a piece of paper - We divorced when he wanted to get married again.

Thanks everyone for your helpful advice and personal stories/examples. So there's no way they could be divorced earlier than 2 years post-separation if they want to go blame-less and there's no kids involved and they can reach an amicable agreement on finances?

@TheHodgeoftheHedge thanks for the link. Do you mean, 6 months from the 2 year-mark or 6 months from when they decided to separate (i.e. he first moved out)? I had a look at the link and it doesn't seem to have that info.

I can't help but feel like I'm a rebound even though he's not given me any such sign so far so not sure if it's just me worrying or I genuinely have anything to be concerned about.

Really wouldn't feel comfortable doing the "deed" with someone still married even if they're both separated and they're both out looking to date other people but waiting years and years seems silly as well.

Im still legally married to my ex. He left 4 years ago. We are civil (mostly), but there is no question of us ever getting back together again.

My BF is still legally married to his ex. They have done all the complicated stuff of selling the house, dividing equity, sharing out the cats, but haven't got round to the paperwork bit.

BF and i are very very happy together. Eventually, we'll both get divorced, and at some point i think we'll get married. Right now, though, we have no issues "dating" as separated people. We've met each other's families and everything.

I was dating my current DP for a year before I got divorced! We’d been separated a year when we met and it just dragged on. It was just a legal/financial thing with some complications and in no way meant we didn’t want to be divorced or that I was still pining. So I wouldn’t say it was an automatic red flag.

It depends, I don't want to get married and I would welcome the boundary. But...... at the same time I want it to be me that enters in to a relationship being certain marriage is not on the cards! Not sure I want my partner to be certain of that!

Petition issued on 2 year anniversary of separating. Straight forward divorce and financial order should then take roughly another 6 months.

I’ve been separated from my ex nearly 4 years now. No kids etc and sorted finances ourselves as short marriage. I’m just busy with a new house so haven’t thought much of doing the paperwork and paying the court fee... I will at some point! I’ve dated several guys and none of them have seem phased that I’m still legally married.

It wouldn’t bother me either, although like you I did wonder if I was “rebound” despite never being given a reason to think I was.

I met my now DH around 6 months after he had separated, no children, had sorted out the finances between them, DH literally moved into his new home a couple of days earlier, but had to wait 2 years before they could divorce, (no solicitors involved). Been married 20+ years.

I am 3 years separated, but still not divorced. We waited the 2 years for a no fault divorce. I started the divorce last Sept 18 and I haven't even got a nisi yet. So if it was the case to wait until he gets a divorce, you may be waiting a very long time!!

Forgot to add that we've sorted out all finances amicably...well everything has been amicable. But the divorce courts can't cope with the number of applications.

I was married for 16 years. He suddenly (for me!) decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. No arguing, just fell out of love apparently. Anyway, we still got on really well, we waited the 2 years from the day he left to start divorce proceedings, we did it online at a cost of £450. A fairly flat ending to a 22 year relationship but it really was that easy.

I had already met my now fiance before we filed for divorce and he was in the same situation, our divorces came through within a month of each other!

I am friendly with my ex husband and father of my 2 children, we help each other out sometimes as we would for any of our friends, there's nothing more to it and I simply couldn't think of him in 'that' way anymore, its firmly over and all that's left is a residual friendship.

With that in mind I'd say the fact that he's separated but not divorced is fine, as long as you know for a fact that he isn't living with her, or worse, still involved. To me, helping each other out occasionally isnt a problem, if it wasn't an acrimonious divorce then why not remain civil? If it's petty errands like emptying her bin or running to the shops for her if she sneezes, then that's different, but the odd bit of help just shows they're being mature and he"s a decent guy

When I separated I felt free and as if I was completely single as did exh and I did meet someone pretty quickly. However I had a very messy divorce that took a long time with court hearings etc and I would not have wanted to be my partner during that period. Having said that, I don’t know anyone who had a divorce like mine and the process is generally simpler once it gets started.

Thanks a lot everyone for your insightful personal stories - really means a lot :)