Sexless marriage

[ChiefOfStaph]

I’m in a sexless marriage. I’ve tried to tell myself that this is it now. This is how it’s going to have to be and I’ll have to just accept it. I enjoy sex and love the intimacy that it brings but I refuse to have to resort to begging my husband to have sex with me.

I’ve brought it up in the past but he says it is because he’s tired and then blames it on his age (he’s only 47!). Our age gap has never been a problem before but he makes me feel like I’m a sex obsessed teenager when he points out that I’m 15 years younger (I’m 32) so our sex drives will be completely different because of this.

I love my husband and we have a good marriage in all other aspects but this. He says that he still finds me attractive but I’m starting to feel less and less desirable. It has really knocked my self confidence. I’ve even tried jumping into bed naked but he just turns over and goes to sleep! Leaving me humiliated and feeling worthless.

Is sex really important to make a marriage work? Can it survive without it? Has anyone been in this situation and been able to come to a compromise that suits you both or managed to bring the sexy back?

You are 32 and you want sex in your marriage. If he isn't prepared to partake in that only you can decide if you want to stay with him.

I had an ex go off sex and I ended up resenting him. I've a high sex drive and enjoy it. Really glad I left when I did as I could see my confidence was going down.

There could be many reasons this has happened. He owes it to you to be honest.

Sex is important to you. You’re only 32! Can you imagine being alive for another 50 years and never ever having sex again!! If he can’t meet your need (and you are allowed to have needs) then you aren’t compatible.

You're too young to accept this and what's going to happen if you want to make babies? Sex does often level out in a long term relationship but you have not been married that long. No advice really, just wanted to say you're not being unreasonable.

It's fine to have a sexless marriage if that's what both of you want.

It's also fine to leave a marriage for any reason.

So it's up to you really to decide if you want to stay or go.

He's told you how it's going to be.
Does that work for you?
No?

Then fuck that.

Been in the same position. 5 years in a sex less marriage. Confidence shot to bits and feeling guilty for wanting intimacy.
We split up a year ago...can't believe I let it go on as long as it did. Now very happy with a man who showers me in affection. best decision to leave.

OP - so if your H used to have an OK libido, he is

• either hiding (or in denial) about a health issue that is affecting his drive. Or maybe he developed ED
• it’s possible he lost his desire for you, or is having an affair

I suppose it’s also possible that he pretended before and forced himself a bit - in the early stages of the relationship. And now reverted to his ‘normal’
If he were 57 - and libido declined, sure. But at his age - most men his age are having a pretty healthy sex life. And most are still quite virile.
So - something isn’t adding up and he is ignoring it and making it to be your issue. It isn’t.
At 32 - there is absolutely no way I’d stay in a relationship like this - unless I also didn’t want sex.
But I presume you want to have kids one day too? And don’t want to live as a nun?
In your place - i’d tell him you are concerned about his health - and ask that he goes to a GP.

If he refuses - i’d Ask why he thinks it’s fair to remove sex from the relationship on a unilateral basis. And if he then is OK with you going outside of the marriage for those needs.

Thank you for your replies. It has really helped!

We have a one year old but she's no trouble. She goes to bed at 8pm and isn't up until 7am the next day. I take care of all of our daughter's needs so he has no stress there. I've even gone back to my pre-baby weight! So I'm not carrying extra weight that might be putting him off.

He has a stressful job and works longer hours than I do but this has always been the case since we met.

I trust him completely and don't think he's having an affair or anything like that.

He has promised me this morning that he'll go and see his GP but I feel that was an empty promise so I won't hold my breath! I hope he does and I hope the GP can help him figure out what his problem is because it IS HIS problem isn't it?

Thank you for your replies. It has really helped!

We have a one year old but she's no trouble. She goes to bed at 8pm and isn't up until 7am the next day. I take care of all of our daughter's needs so he has no stress there. I've even gone back to my pre-baby weight! So I'm not carrying extra weight that might be putting him off.

He has a stressful job and works longer hours than I do but this has always been the case since we met.

I trust him completely and don't think he's having an affair or anything like that.

He has promised me this morning that he'll go and see his GP but I feel that was an empty promise so I won't hold my breath! I hope he does and I hope the GP can help him figure out what his problem is because it IS HIS problem isn't it?

Your options:

1. Put up with it
2. Separate and seek fulfilment elsewhere
3. Take a secret lover
4. Negotiate an open relationship, either for you only or for both of you
5. Insist he change.

The final option is probably the one you hope will succeed but sadly the odds are not in your favour. People don’t change because you ask them or beg them to. Fundamental change comes from an obsessive internal will or an external trauma. It is therefore contradictory to think that taking a softly, softly approach with touchy-feely understanding will stand any chance of success when he lacks motivation to change (he gets all the sex HE wants) and you keep life on an otherwise even keel, shielding him from the traumatic hurt at the centre of your relationship.
In all honesty, he will only possibly raise his game if you have an affair or leave him. Not threaten to leave him, actually leave him. He needs to be shocked out of his complacency and all your hurt needs to be gotten on the table, acknowledged and validated by him. If this doesn’t work, you have the benefit of having exited an unhappy relationship - Option 2. A not too terrible Plan B.

Sex is a RIGHT in a marriage, regardless of what the angry feminist brigade will tell you. You signed up to a sexual relationship and traded your right to have sex with multiple people for a mutually monogamous sexual relationship with your partner. I one person unilaterally changes the rules without warning, discussion or concern for the impact on you, then they have committed an infidelity that severs any loyalty you need to feel towards them. It is a daily emotional abuse that will grind you down until he last drop of vitality drops from you.

Best of luck to you.

My exh was 15 years older than me... Similar story. We had 3 dc, prob conceived less than 5 times between them!
I spelled it out to him I wanted a proper marriage. He ignored me.
I took a lover..
Then I moved out.
Exh took a lover.
My new landlord.
Keith.
Just a thought op...

It s not his age. He should still have urges at 47. He should also consider your feelings and not dismiss your perfectly reasonable request for intimacy. Personally I think sex is essential in a marriage- I've been with my DW for 30 years and I don't think we would have come through the bad times had it not been for a strong sexual attraction - somehow your problems seems less important when you're cuddling up in the afterglow. If he really can't have sex with you for a medical reason, which I very much doubt, then he should satisfy you in other ways. You are his wife, you have a right to expect that.

it IS HIS problem isn't it

Not necessarily. If he has a naturally low libido then it's just normal for him. And it's not really causing him any problems.

If you are just mismatched then it's not good to blame anyone.

Sex is a RIGHT in a marriage, regardless of what the angry feminist brigade will tell you

You're wrong. There's nothing angry about pointing out that no-one has to have sex if they don't want to. Consent is everything and coercion should not be used to gain it.

Coercion is actually abusive and should never be used. The same goes with threats. If OP is not happy, she is free to leave the marriage.

Do please point out where I use the word “coercion” or suggest using anything like it. You are clearly projecting.
What I do point out is that when a partner discontinues consensual sex the other party can rightly declare the rest of the marriage contract as null and void also.
Physical intimacy of the kind found earlier in the relationship is rightly expected throughout the union as is emotional support and financial support. If no outside, intervening act occurs that causes these things to be withdrawn, the unspoken agreement is breached.

He's given you his reasons but has he actually suggested a solution or are you to put up with it?

This would be a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the sex as there's other ways to have sex but intimacy is essential to the survival of a marriage. It'll crush your soul eventually. He needs to figure out what his problem is or agree to split.

Sorry to ask, but just thinking sexless means different things to different people... how sexless are we talking? Whatever the answer, my feeling is if you have been so unhappy for a sustained period of time you need to do something about it. Life is short. Best case scenario is you and DH find happier ground between you.

Please make sure he gets his testosterone levels checked as they declined with age and weight and could be the cause.

Has he been off sex since the baby arrived? Perhaps he doesn't want another baby?
Perhaps he feels overwhelmed by responsibility? Or is silently blaming you for giving him less attention or feels he doesn't want to be a family man but feels he can't tell you and is just being resentful instead? Either way he's not happy, and is being passive aggressive about it.

Could be something physical, but if that were truly the case he would be feeling as frustrated as you, and keenly motivated to sort it out and pursue options.

People always talk about physical and emotional abuse, but unilaterally withdrawing sex without disscussion can be every bit a form of abuse. It's very controlling, cruel behaviour. The partner watches the other partner suffer. Watches while they jump through hoops, trying to please them, cooking their favourite meal, putting extra thought into things, arranging dinners, putting extra effort into their appearance, going on a diet, losing weight, buying and wearing sexy lingerie, attempting to initiate sex multitude times. Then brushes them off and rebuffs them. They're not stupid. They know what they're doing and how shit it's making you feel. You get into bed naked - and they just turn over without even explaining why they have a problem, leaving you feeling humiliated and ashamed. Because they feel they have control in outright rejecting you. It's cruel, selfish, controlling behaviour.

It also puts the entire weight of responsibility for the relationship on you. You are the one left feeling trapped, the one having to question whether to break up the family as they will not even acknowledge what they are doing. You ultimately are made to feel like the guilty bad guy for questioning if you should stay or go for something seemingly trivial. It's not trivial, about losing a deep form of human connection and physical validation and acceptance.

Unless you openly choose differently, sex is very important in a relationship. Even in cases where some sad unforseen event occurs intimacy remains important. But then such situations don't contain the element of cruel rejection you're experiencing.

I say confront him and if you get nowhere leave. It won't improve because he'll be showing you that the respect for you is gone.

Leave him. You haven't even got to the peak age for your sex drive yet, if it's bad now, how will you feel then?

Do you want another 4 decades of this?

Bravo CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook for describing it thus.
Such behaviour is a form of insidious abuse. We all too readily call out other kinds of controlling behaviour simply because it is more overt. What makes intimacy denial worse is because it is so subtle, you’re not even really sure if they are the problem or you are - and that adds the extra layer of “crazy making” onto the victim.
If your advice to someone in a domestic violence or controlling situation is to leave, then it should be the same advice you give in this situation and all that cobblers about consent and coercion is utter drivel that shields the abuser and blames the victim.

Thank you so much to everyone that has taken the time to respond to me. It’s has been incredibly helpful to be able to write all of this down and to read lots of different opinions.

We talked a bit more last night and he had phone the surgery yesterday and made an appointment with his GP. He said that this libido level definitely doesn’t feel ‘normal’ for him. He described it as feeling numb from the waist down and isn’t aroused by other women or men. He said he needs help and I’ve agreed to give him as much support as I can. We haven’t been married for that long so hopefully addressing this now can put us on the right track without any resentment. Luckily, we both don’t want anymore children so we won’t have the added pressure of trying to conceive. We can just focus on us as a couple. Leaving would be a last resort but it’s always going to have to be an option as I couldn’t live the rest of my life with no intimacy.

@Fairenuff I agree I would never want him to feel that he was being forced to do something he isn’t consenting to. I can see @Jabbercocky and @CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook point of view too that withholding sex can also be considered abusive if it’s been done intentionally to seek some sort of control, which is stereotypically the woman using sex as a weapon against a man. I don’t think that’s what is happening here though. I don’t think he’s trying to be controlling.

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook yes, he could possibly be feeling overwhelmed by responsibility. Like you said he’s not happy with something but keeping it to himself won’t be helping either. I just hope that talking to the GP or a therapist can help him figure out what he’s not happy about and try to get to the route of the problem. It’s really gut wrenching to jump through all of those hoops you described (I’ve done them all!) to be rejected once again. Like I said I don’t think he’s doing it to be intentionally cruel and controlling. It sounds cliché but he’s not that kind of person to be controlling. We’ve both had experiences of being controlled in a relationship so we both know how damaging it can be. He seems to be genuinely feeling guilty about it since it is affecting me which again won’t be helping him or his libido!

@sandyfoot after an internet search I was surprised to read that 'sexless' can mean 10 times a year or less. We haven't had sex since Christmas and it was 8 months before that so 10 times in a year sounds like a lot to me!

Sorry for half of that post being in bold! I haven't got the hang of forum posting yet!

I ended my sexless marriage at 32,my exh was 11 years older than me.

His description of the numb feeling sounds as though it could possibly indicate stress and/or performance anxiety.

@Jabbercocky all that cobblers about consent and coercion is utter drivel that shields the abuser and blames the victim.

Yes! It is used by the abuser as a form of gaslighting, making the person appear unreasonable, demanding or sex obsessed, instead of having the natural right to expect sex as part of a relationship that was present at the beginning.

@ChiefOfStaph We talked a bit more last night and he had phone the surgery yesterday and made an appointment with his GP. He said that this libido level definitely doesn’t feel ‘normal’ for him. He described it as feeling numb from the waist down and isn’t aroused by other women or men. He said he needs help and I’ve agreed to give him as much support as I can.

So pleased to hear that and I hope it moves in a positive direction. It's good that DH is prepared to seek help and is thinking about your happiness. Hope it works out! x