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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you prove you are in an abusive relationship

48 replies

Siablue · 14/07/2019 22:03

I am afraid of my husband. He doesn’t hit me but he has rages and shouts at me for the smallest thing. He can also spend most of the day sulking in bed and ignoring me. Everything that is wrong in his life is my fault and I am not even allowed to throw things in the bin.
I really want to leave but we have a one year old baby. When I got pregnant things were mostly good in our relationship but looking back there were probably quite a lot of warning signs. A few days before our baby was born he took out a knife a threatened to kill himself saying I had ruined his life. He says if I leave he will go to court for custody of our son. I know that the norm now is 50 50 custody would be awful as he doesn’t do a lot for our baby. Changing nappies is my job once he changed his nappy and shouted at the baby for putting his hands in the poo.

I want to leave with our son but I am terrified that by leaving he is going to be able to get shared custody of our baby when I am not there to protect him. Now that I have written this down it sound awful but he can put on a lovely face all my friends think he is wonderful.

What do I need to do to leave and protect my son? Is it possible?

OP posts:
Original poster
Siablue · 14/07/2019 22:59

Can I just leave with my baby?

OP posts:
aposterhasnoname · 14/07/2019 23:02

Yes, yes you can. And in my experience, abusive men who say they will take the kids, seldom do, looking after the kids will ruin their social lives.

ColdAndSad · 14/07/2019 23:05

Leaving is going to protect your son far more effectively than staying, and making him face his abusive father every day.

Do you have any friends or family you can go to when you leave him?

TeaForTheWin · 14/07/2019 23:17

Go, go now. Worry about the what ifs later.
Move out and speak to a lawyer. He isn't going to take the kid, too much work. Even if he did win 50/50 custody, he wont show up. Also, doubt a judge would 'ok' a kid being away from it's mum that much as a one year old anyway. Too young to be way from it's mother for long periods of time.

Perfect timing to go now as the kid will be too young to feel the upheaval of it all too.

Wait until you know he is going to be out for a good few hours and then pack and go. Make sure you take your name off any bills before you go where possible and once you are away, change all your passwords on everything online and change your address for any post (bank ect…) Oh and transfer any of your money out from any joint accounts too.

Good luck! Be strong, you can do it!

Original poster
Siablue · 14/07/2019 23:37

Thank you for replying. I know I need to leave I am just so afraid. He will be so angry if I go. He will try to take the baby to punish me. He criticises the way I look after him all the time. The house is full of old rubbish and he blames me but I am not aloud to get rid of it. I don’t feel like it is my home as I can’t do anything I want.

Can repot him to the police. Would they believe me. He will say that I am a liar and an unfit mother. I do have people I can go and stay with but they all live very far away.

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 14/07/2019 23:40

I agree with the previous poster. They all claim they want custody but then never take it up.

Why would the police not believe you? I was in your shoes once and I think I felt that it would be too ''dramatic'' to report him.

I should have gone to a refuge.

Because really, it's not about ''proving'' it to anybody. It's just about getting away safely.

xx

TeaForTheWin · 14/07/2019 23:47

Even better if they all live very far away, that's actually brilliant because the further you can get from him the better.

Of course the police will take you seriously. You can absolutely report him if that's what you want to do. I would see about speaking with womens aid for advice too as they might be able to give you a game plan.

Original poster
Siablue · 15/07/2019 00:10

My fear is that he will take my baby to punish me. He knows it’s my only fear. I feel so much more vulnerable now I have the baby.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 15/07/2019 00:15

The more you share with people - police, women's aid, family, friends, the less vulnerable you will feel and the more people will have your back. If anyone dares to tell you he's not beating you so it's not abuse, they're not the people you need for support, so ditch them, with a flea in their ear, if you feel strong enough.

Talk to your health visitor, too. One of their roles is to make sure mum and baby are safe in their family unit.

PickAChew · 15/07/2019 00:16

And don't ever tell him you're talking to people about his behaviour. He doesn't need to know.

TeaForTheWin · 15/07/2019 00:18

Definitely speak with womens aid. I think the police might be able to do you a police escort for the day you move just to make sure that you get away safely at least. Couldn't harm to ask. But it sounds like the more space you can put between him and you two the better and the sooner the better too.

TeaForTheWin · 15/07/2019 00:20

0808 2000 247
(womans aid open 24 hours per day).
Next time he is going to be gone a while and you are somewhere safe , give them a ring.

Ozziewozzie · 15/07/2019 00:23

Contact women’s Aid. It’s emotional abuse. Try and keep a diary where he won’t find it.

soapona · 15/07/2019 00:26

Ok what's your financial circumstances?

Are your own family hands on?

Are you in Scotland/England? I know you have tenancy rights in England but I'm sure you just want out.

You were probably blinkered and wanting a baby it happens to lots of women! Now you realise what he's like.

Twillow · 15/07/2019 00:38

Go to the people you have - the farther away the better really. He is making threats about the baby to control you. Abuse is not only physical and you only have one life. Also the earlier you get away from this man, the better your son's life will be - you will be a happier mother and he will not be absorbing the awful effects of abuse.

SimplySteveRedux · 15/07/2019 01:00

I do have people I can go and stay with but they all live very far away.

This isn't a bad thing, you'll be miles away from your abuser. I doubt he'd be up for custody too, and once you detail his behaviour, including the knife incident, I cannot see a judge awarding 50/50. Thanks

Original poster
Siablue · 15/07/2019 09:13

Soapona I have just gone back to work from maternity leave. When I go back to full time my income is good but he wants me to go part time permanently. I own half the house but realistically we will have to leave the house to move nearer to my work. I would prefer this anyway but I will probably lose all the money I have paid into it.
I am in England, most of my family are in Scotland. I could stay with them but I would need to find somewhere to live for me and my boy.
I am going to call women’s aid when I am somewhere quiet at work.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/07/2019 09:42

You need to get out, and the sooner the better. Please don't tell him about any of what you're doing as you plan to escape. Abusive men are always the most dangerous when they realise they're losing control. Just get yourself sorted and go.

Please listen to the many experts on this subject here. I know there are lots of women here who have stood in your shoes and found their way out.

ChristmasFluff · 15/07/2019 09:49

If you move a long way away from him, he will lose interest faster. when you are around near him, it is easier to stalk and try to mess with your head.

Go to your family in Scotland. Give him no lcue you are leaving. The Women's Aid site has a list of things to take so you won't forget anything you need.

Good Luck Flowers

soapona · 15/07/2019 09:50

Ok plan an escape. Tell your family it might be easier a move to Scotland? Or do you need to stay in England? You should get your capital out the house it might take a while but your name is on the ownership. I had to fight to get my share of a property once it was extremely expensive going to court. Do the logical steps such as tell the mortgage company. Call women's aid my friend did and she got housed in a lovely flat via a housing association, which she is still in 12 years on. I was in a relationship with someone abusive but luckily I had my own money and property to escape. The lady he is with now has a baby and I know she must be going through hell and she is far from family and financially dependent. I think until you really are in a gaslighting abusive relationship you don't understand how difficult it is.

ChristmasFluff · 15/07/2019 09:51

Additionally, being with family immediately scuppers his 'unfit mother' claim, since you are somewhere where you have a support system. So he may well not even bother with that.

cranstonmanor · 15/07/2019 10:11

You might be scared of leaving but you don't actually have a long term option to stay. If he is abusive to you, in time he will be abusive to your child as well.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/07/2019 10:26

Siablue, has your DH ever volunteered to look after the baby on his own for 24 hours? Has he ever looked after his son alone for any length of time?

Because if he hasn't you have your answer concerning him going for full custody because you're "unfit". It's just an empty threat. Do you seriously think he'll spend a lot of money for access he doesn't even want? No court will give unsupervised access to a small child when the father has never looked after them alone.

And ChristmasFluff has a good point: being with family immediately scuppers his 'unfit mother' claim, since you are somewhere where you have a support system.

By moving to live with family you are acting responsibly. He's just howling at the moon. His threats aren't realistic.

Original poster
Siablue · 15/07/2019 11:44

He has looked after him twice during the day when I was at work. The first time did not go well and he was very stressed. I put him to bed every night and do all the night time wake ups.
I do think he will go for access. He does love our son and everyone will think I have done a terrible thing taking him away from him. He can be quite nice with him when he is in a good mood but struggles because he doesn’t have any paitence.

OP posts:
75Renarde · 15/07/2019 11:56

Keep trying on woman's aid there. You must get out.

Then get a temporary court order once you are away and safe.