How do you prove you are in an abusive relationship

[Siablue]

I am afraid of my husband. He doesn’t hit me but he has rages and shouts at me for the smallest thing. He can also spend most of the day sulking in bed and ignoring me. Everything that is wrong in his life is my fault and I am not even allowed to throw things in the bin.
I really want to leave but we have a one year old baby. When I got pregnant things were mostly good in our relationship but looking back there were probably quite a lot of warning signs. A few days before our baby was born he took out a knife a threatened to kill himself saying I had ruined his life. He says if I leave he will go to court for custody of our son. I know that the norm now is 50 50 custody would be awful as he doesn’t do a lot for our baby. Changing nappies is my job once he changed his nappy and shouted at the baby for putting his hands in the poo.

I want to leave with our son but I am terrified that by leaving he is going to be able to get shared custody of our baby when I am not there to protect him. Now that I have written this down it sound awful but he can put on a lovely face all my friends think he is wonderful.

What do I need to do to leave and protect my son? Is it possible?

I'm no expert but I have heard dozens of wise women here on umpteen threads say that abusive men often threaten to "take the DC away" but when it gets right down to it they can't be arsed. Also the courts have seen abusive men before.

If you talk to your GP and the HV, report his abuse to the police and move to stay with family many miles away I don't think anyone would criticize you. OK, he may have friends he can bitch to but that only works if he lies about everything.

What you describe is abuse. It's called coercive control. The police will confirm that.

I think the most sensible option is to leave and go and see a solicitor. I have a prohibited steps order in place to stop my ex taking my daughter from school or childcare without my consent and when he had contact it was that he had to return her before a certain time- failure to comply would have meant we could have got the police involved.

I hope you're ok and do what is best for you and your family.

This man does not want to be lumbered with a child, he's only threatening joint custody because he knows it's an effective way to control you, I would just humour him and let him think that you believe him whilst covertly making a plan to escape.

Agree @Whosorrynow I'd do that too.

I have spoken to Wimen’s aid. I can’t go into a refuge unless I give up my job. I don’t really get why that is. They suggested I go to the council or family.

I might go to my family for a bit and move to be near my job so I would be in a new area. They said it was ok to take the baby and not tell him where we had gone. I do think he would punish me if I did and would take me to court. I don’t feel any further forward.

I meant Women’s Aid obviously. I can’t even type properly.

@Siablue Perhaps this might be to them getting housing benefit to pay for the hostel. You could ask to pay. You need to start looking for a property or move to Scotland. Is this job paying so well and there would have no similar opportunities in Scotland?

I have a good job and there are not many opportunities near where my family live as it is the middle of nowhere. I wouldn’t want to be stuck there for the rest of my life. I commute to work so it is away from my husband.

Assuming that you have money from a job they would expect you to pay for your own place because a womans refuge is for those who have nowhere else to go.

You have family...and presumably some savings?

You aren't going to be any further along - until you make a move. At least womens aid have said you can just go and take the kid.

I guess it depends if you want to keep the job or not, it might be easier to leave it and go stay with family and find another one up there. But then you have to be careful if you are giving notice that your partner doesn't find out.

I'd just pack a bag and get going next time he is out tbh. no need to hang about anymore.

Ah just saw your update. Could you advise your boss of your situation and take some time off? Maybe move to a hotel near work for a few days while you look for a flat? Can you afford that?

Might work better in some ways as maybe he will just assume you went home to family but you can still keep the job.

I don’t particularly want to go into a refuge. I think they are probably for people who are more needy than me. I will have to find somewhere to rent and a new nursery for my baby. I probably won’t be able to put him in a new nursery without his dad’s permission.

I have no idea of what to do from a legal point of view. I know he will take me to court and I will lose everything. He will take the baby and I will have to give up my job.

Teaforthewin. I might do that. I’m not sure if I can afford a hotel and a deposit at the same time. All our savings are in his bank account. You can get from my auntie’s house to my work on the train.

@Siablue No one has ever ask for a copy of a birth certificate at the many private nurseries I used. The only places which asked for a birth certificate are schools and private school applications often have the fathers name and occupation as the first question. As a single mother who has a dead beat ex who hasn't even met their child I find irritating.

He wont take the baby. And he will have no control over whether or not you give up your job. You are giving him more power than he has. Why would a nursery need permission from both parents? That's so odd.

Your aunties house it is then! And you can flat hunt while you are at it. Why does he have all the savings? Where are your wages going? You need to get your own account asap and get your wages going there. A few months with your aunt and you should have plenty for a flat deposit.

But stop cooling your heals and get yourself out. If you keep worrying about the what ifs then you will never get out.

Why would a nursery need his permission?

I’m sure DS’s nursery didn’t say ‘No, hang on, we need the other parents permission until you give us money!’ And I swapped nursery when DS was little...

I think your ‘dear’ husband has filled your head with a greater sense of importance than he really has. This is what happens in abuse, to you he becomes an all powerful all controlling monster of epic proportions. And as you get loose from him you’ll see him shrink into a tiny little sea monkey, king of a petri dish and nothing else!

Keep on thinking, and turn those thoughts into plans. And when you are ready, turn those plans into actions. But just when you are ready ok? Sometimes it takes a while and not the course of one thread of mumsnet, and that’s ok, that’s just how difficult these things are, how much he’s got into your head and worn you down. But please do leave in the end, as this man definitely sounds abusive and frankly, scary towards you and your baby.

I’d advise talking to your GP or your HV next. I talked to my GP when I was deciding to leave my abusive husband, and it’s now written in my (& DS’s) medical notes so if there are any problems later, there IS evidence of what was happening at the time. If you are worried about evidence, this is the kind of things you could do too. Just telling professionals what’s happening, or the details of his latest abuse.

He does love our son
And he he shouted at his baby of less than one year when he tried to change a nappy.
Think on, as they say in yorkshire!!!

I have no idea of what to do from a legal point of view. I know he will take me to court and I will lose everything. He will take the baby and I will have to give up my job.
Don't worry the court will thrown out more dickheads like him than you can shake a stick at!

You are VERY correct OP in that he will use your child and your love for the baby against you.

He won't do it yet, as others have said. Squalling newborns are not a narcs style. However, that doesn't mean you should relie on that. He may well have a concerned family member to assist (which will be a Lieutenant).

So, you need to remove yourself to a place of safety. Immediately file for temporary court order.
When your baby us born, do not allow his name to be placed on the birth certificate.

Then get in the System. Tell your GP and midwife what's happened. Tell them you are in shock and are very vulnerable due to the trauma of abuse.

Be honest. Even if it feels pushing down that guilty feeling of betraying your partner. You. Are. Not. He has betrayed you.

Final words. Be very careful who you trust. The smear has already begun and you are rightly sending it.

Always here and

*sensing durr!

Oh and ignore @SirGawain

The last thing you need right now is to make assumptions.

Apologies OP, just read your baby has been born.

My advice still stands

It’s good to know that the nursery won’t need permission. That’s another thing less to worry about.

That’s good advice to see the health visitor and GP. I think I do need to speak to people who can provide evidence.

I don’t think a court would see through him without a lot of proof. I didn’t for the longest time. He presents very well and has the money for an expensive lawyer. That’s why I am so worried about proving it.

Well done. You are canny.