Alcoholic brother emotionally abuses parents

[TimmyMallettsBikini]

After nearly 20 years, I feel things are at breaking point. My ageing, grief-stricken parents have to do everything for my brother, who has mental health problems and multiple addictions. I love him and am desperately sad for him, but increasingly can't tolerate his behaviour. My parents have to bow to his every whim, as he terrifies them with veiled suicide threats, blames them for his drinking at every turn, and essentially controls their lives (e.g. they can't go on holiday together as he makes it clear he will be very risky if they do). Every day revolves around what he might need (at unpredictable times). He always considers his perspective to be right. He rants at them, makes them endlessly apologise for doing things wrong (e.g. they brought him the wrong food last week, which made him very angry and "drove him to drink"). They won't stand up to him or tell him to do things himself as "he's so I'll" (true) and he might kill himself in upset or anger. What can I do??

TIA

*he's so ill, not I'll

Incidentally, he has had and/or rejected every form of intervention available on NHS. He basically expects my parents to manage his constant attempts to address his substance use, and criticises/emotionally punishes them for anything less than 100% commitment to this.

Protect yourself. You can't fix your brother, you can't fix your parents, and you can't fix their relationship. They are all in a co-dependant relationship.
Have you had any counselling for yourself? It will help you move forwards.

Thanks for replying @TheInebriati. I'm feeling quite desperate to do something about it. They ask me for help, and they agree that this is abusive, but can't change it.

You're probably right that I need to step away. But it's so sad. They're like shadows.

Is there anything that can help mend these relationships?

Step away. Do not get further sucked into their codependent and ultimately destructive relationship.

Sorry Timmy there is not. Your parents created this dynamic as well with their son and he has continued to run with it in adulthood.

Please go to Al Anon and take your parents with you. They saved my friends sanity when dealing with her alcoholic mother.

You will meet others who understand what you are going through.

Is there anything that can help mend these relationships?

No, there really isn't. The only real help you can give your parents is to say 'stop 'helping' him, it isn't helping, its enabling him'.
They would then have to watch him hit rock bottom and deal with their feelings of guilt and sadness about that. Its an awful situation, there are no easy answers, there are no fixes.

He is abusive and controlling and when they are gone he will turn on you to take their place. There is also the possibility that they will leave him everything in their will as 'he needs it more than you.'

I really wish I had a better answer for you, but the best thing you can do is protect yourself now while the situation is relatively stable.

Thanks again @TheInebriati. I have kind of said that to my parents. I don't think my brother realises he is abusive - should I tell him this? I too am worried he might kill himself if I do.

Thank you @Rosemary46. I might try this. I've found an al-anon meeting and may just take myself to it, whether they will or not.

@AttilaTheMeerkat, thank you. I hate thinking that my parents are also responsible for the dynamic, but I know it's true.

Thanks again all. It's a relief to talk about this, as it's so shrouded in secrecy IRL.

Sadly the only possible route open may be via adult social services with your concerns that your brothers unreasonable behaviour is impacting and possibly abusing frail elderly parents. This UK support may be able to listen to you and advise you further. www.elderabuse.org.uk/is-someone-else-being-abused

With my own brother when he was pulling such stunts and trying to manipulate my then frail parents I would remind him what he did when told 'no' was his choice and not their making Thankfully both had the sense to appoint me with enduring power of attorney to protect them from his atttempts to take control of finance and bleed their savings accounts dry.

The temper tantrums when he found out I was the one blocking his access to 'his' booze money fund was spectatcular. You have to have real confidence in your ability to maintain bounderies to withstand the unreasonable threats and behaviour such action will provoke. Al-Anon may be able to support both you and your parents.

I am so sorry, there are no simple easy answers to dealing with the nasty downside of an alcholics behaviour, its hard work. You may end up distancing yourself from the mess that is his life to simply survive and protect your own well-being.

I don't think my brother realises he is abusive - should I tell him this? I too am worried he might kill himself if I do

Please don’t say this to him. Not because he will kill himself. Because he doesn’t care, and once you see that, it will be devastating for you. Addicts are the most selfish people on the planet - there’s nothing they won’t do to get what they want.

You CANNOT make your brother stop acting like this. All you can do is get support for yourself and your parents that will help you set your own boundaries.

I don't think my brother realises he is abusive - should I tell him this?

No - stop being a fixer. You can't fix this, its impossible, and you must get some perspective as soon as you can.
Because people who have been made to feel responsible for other people are blamed when things go wrong. and you are not to blame for your brothers actions, not his drinking, and not even if he attempts suicide.

I recommend you read 'I'm OK, You're OK' by Thomas A Harris, and 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne. And look at The Karpman Drama Triangle;
lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/

@triballeader I'm sorry you've had similar with your family. I've spent a lifetime following the party line of trying to appease my brother at all costs, and I suspect if I change anything the tantrums we will have to endure will be terrifying.

Yes you will have huge tantrums, without a doubt. But there’s nothing you can do to fix your brother, but you CAN help yourself . It will be easier for you to set your own boundaries if your parents support you in this and don’t undermine you. That’s why I’m suggesting that you try to take your parents , if they are willing.

I’m so so sorry for you and what has happened to your family. I know how toxic this can be and how everyone’s life is focused around the person with the addictions.

You're right @Rosemary46, it would be awful if I tried to tell him and he didn't care - or, more likely, thought I was talking nonsense and so blamed me again.

@TheInebriati, thank you for the book suggestion - I'm going to order it.

This thread has already been so helpful - thank you all.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm 30 years sober. I got sober through AA and it taught me everything I needed to know about addiction. There is nothing you can do for either your DB or your DPs while they are locked into this toxic codependent relationship.

I would strongly recommend Al Anon, for you at first and then later, when you feel confident that you understand its principles, you may be able to persuade your DPs to accompany you. It's probably only then that light may dawn.

What your DPs are doing enables and encourages your DB's addictions. They won't change until they understand how it all works.

Of course, it's only stopping enabling him that will have any chance of him actually dealing with his drinking and getting sober. I am still very grateful for my sobriety all these decades later

@Rosemary46 thanks again - I have just found an Al Anon meeting near my parents and, to my huge surprise, they've said they will go. It's a start...

Thanks so much for posting, @Prawnofthepatriarchy. It's incredibly helpful to have someone whose been addicted endorse stopping the enabling, because on first sight it seems so scary to withdraw all the endless input

I would go along to a meeting as well.

And congratulations @Prawnofthepatriarchy on your sobriety.

Of course he will blame you. Doesn’t he blame you and his parents for everything? It’s what addicts do. It doesn’t mean it’s true, it’s just another way of avoiding personal responsibility and controlling others.

You need to get along to al anon and you will see this is a pattern of behaviour. It’s not your fault and you can’t fix it.

You say this is secret in RL. I can’t tell you what a relief it will be to speak to others who understand. Try a few meetings before you decide if it’s for you. Or try another group, if there are several locally.

You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, you can just listen.

Don't have any real advice but read your post and had to comment with my sympathy. That's a really sad situation.

Sending strength to you ❤️

Hope one day your brother will accept the help he so clearly needs

Of course he will blame you. Doesn’t he blame you and his parents for everything? It’s what addicts do. It doesn’t mean it’s true, it’s just another way of avoiding personal responsibility and controlling others.

That's absolutely how it works. To a drinking alcoholic any attempt to limit his access to alcohol.is a life and death threat.

Alcoholics will say and do anything to ensure they can keep drinking. Their primary relationship is with alcohol, above anyone and anything else.

N.B. you should never cut off an alcoholic's supply of booze unless under medical supervision. It's very dangerous. Heroin withdrawal is famously horrible but it's never fatal. Withdrawal from alcohol can be.

I can’t tell you what a relief it will be to speak to others who understand. Try a few meetings before you decide if it’s for you. Or try another group, if there are several locally.

I'd totally endorse this. Al Anon meetings (like AA meetings) vary. It depends a lot on the group's secretary. Try several. And we're encouraged to just listen at first - and listen for the similarities not the differences.