Alcoholic brother emotionally abuses parents

[TimmyMallettsBikini]

After nearly 20 years, I feel things are at breaking point. My ageing, grief-stricken parents have to do everything for my brother, who has mental health problems and multiple addictions. I love him and am desperately sad for him, but increasingly can't tolerate his behaviour. My parents have to bow to his every whim, as he terrifies them with veiled suicide threats, blames them for his drinking at every turn, and essentially controls their lives (e.g. they can't go on holiday together as he makes it clear he will be very risky if they do). Every day revolves around what he might need (at unpredictable times). He always considers his perspective to be right. He rants at them, makes them endlessly apologise for doing things wrong (e.g. they brought him the wrong food last week, which made him very angry and "drove him to drink"). They won't stand up to him or tell him to do things himself as "he's so I'll" (true) and he might kill himself in upset or anger. What can I do??

TIA

Thanks @foodiefil - really kind of you to post.

@Rosemary46 and @Prawnofthepatriarchy, one thing which worries me about al-anon is that I don't think this is "pure" alcoholism - and he does have the capacity to give up for a week or so at a time. There's mental health, there are other substances, there's some physical healths stuff too. But it can still be relevant, right?

My friend was put off going for a while because she thought the people there would be from a very different type of background from her and they would have nothing in common. I know this makes her sound like an awful snob, she’s not really, she was just scared. When you’ve been keeping secrets for 20 years it’s frightening to think about talking openly.

When she went she discovered people from all sorts of backgrounds, some exactly like her own. But she said any differences stopped mattering after a while because what they had in common was so much more important.

Prawn will know a lot more than me. But as I understand it, al anon isn’t about fixing your loved one. It’s about understanding addiction and co dependence and how you can stop enabling your loved one.

So it doesn’t matter much what the substance or pattern of use is. It’s about supporting you to change yourself, if that’s what you want.

Hope that’s right.

You're absolutely right, Rosemary46.

As for the physical and mental health issues and abusing various substances, OP, when I went into rehab I had been suffering from depression and anxiety. I also had gastric problems caused by frequently drinking neat spirits on an empty stomach. Many alcoholics have MH issues.

Once I'd stopped drinking most of my health problems disappeared. I still suffer from chronic depression and anxiety but I deal with this so much better now. I deal with everything far better now (it's not hard. Drinking alcoholics don't actually deal with anything.)

I can understand what your friend was worried about, Rosemary. It never occurred to me to worry about the type of person I'd meet in AA, because my DF was in AA years before me and he's a doctor. And an AA mate of mine was married to the head of a famous public school.

Addictions affect all social groups. It's like domestic violence. People from more privileged backgrounds often put a huge extra effort into concealing both issues. They fear losing their position or status if it comes out. Being able to be truthful is a massive relief.

Commenting with an NC name, we had a similar situation with my brother, but with drugs not alcoholic. It took my brother's behaviour escalating to such a degree (fraud, theft, sexually abusive messaging and harassment and all of these things over a period of time not just the first time) that my mum finally 'saw the light' is the only way I can describe it, and she involved the police and pressed charges (as did I). We are currently unsure where he is, but my mum has had to literally shut herself off from him so he can't manipulate his way back in. Anyway, my point is, my mum had to realise it for herself before she could make the change to end the enabling relationship, and his behaviour had been intolerable for some time (without going into detail she was virtually a prisoner in her own home and his private bank account) before she reached this point. There was nothing my other sibling and I could do to stop it. I hope something like Al Anon could help your parents, unfortunately for my mum that kind of support wasn't quite enough

DP is now NC with his sister due to her issues with alcohol, and I have to echo other posters who have said the best thing you can do is to step back and realise you can't fix this.

For years DP's mother has tiptoed around his sister and generally been her enabler, and DP was expected to toe the party line as well. No matter the abuse, the tantrums, the threats, the lies, the false accusations, the blaming.
It seriously affected DP's relationship with his mother for a long time, as she just buries her head in the sand about her enabling. It also really damaged his mental health, and he still struggles with panic attacks and anxiety.

You need to protect yourself, and your own sanity. You can't help your brother. You also can't help your parents. You can't fix it, and you can't mend their relationship. It is so terribly sad, especially for your parents. Alcoholism is a horrendous, horrendous thing that destroys more than those who suffer from it.

Interesting, @Rosemary46 and @Prawnofthepatriarchy to hear about other people having reservations about Al Anon/AA. I guess no one thinks they will "fit in" before they go and see all the similarities and how his affects people from all walks of life?

@Helpmyfamily101 and @Two4Tuesday I'm sorry you've had family experience of similar. I agree, it's amazing how far reaching the effects of addiction are. And it certainly feels impossible to influence from the outside.

I will be going to Al Anon - thank you all for encouraging this. It's good to have some kind of plan..

Take care of yourself, OP