I called dp a part time parent last night.

[Baddabingbaddaboom]

I'm not quite sure whether I'm out of order or if it's a case of 'the truth hurts'..

Dd is almost 5, he's never been to any of her appointments, no doctors, dentist etc, he's come with me to pick her up from nursery (and waited in the car) about 4 times ever, they don't know who he is. I've done all the school stuff (she starts in sep) he barely knows the name of the place. I take her EVERYWHERE, swimming, shopping, play dates, parties, to see family, I take her away for up to a week to see my extended family, who, apart from nan who he's met once, he's never met.

I do the shopping, budgeting, meal planning, cooking, vets, appointments, most of the cleaning, the mornings, most bed times, bathtimes, etc etc etc.

He works, I'm grateful but he's self employed and can go a while without any work at all and half the time he does half days ish. He helps around the house, well... Starting recently he does any way, but he takes it badly if I mention he's done anything wrong, like he washed dd's clothes on a 60 and it's ruined 2 new tshirts, so I said, thanks for doing the washing (which again is a new thing) but can you just make sure that you wash dd clothes on 30 because her shirts are ruined. I wasn't being arsey but he's taken it that way.

Things got really nasty and he's dragged up things from when I had pnd, I apologised for how I was then but I sought help and I recovered.

He went to bed last night and won't talk to me.

I could go on and on about the bad things because right now that's all I can think of but am I wrong in thinking that it's tough? He is a part time parent and if he wants me to say any different then he needs to pull his finger out?

Sigh

He sounds like a man child. He should not be bringing up things about your PND in the face of an argument. Nor should he be stonewalling you either.

Sorry I’ve got no advice but I feel for you having to do it all, it’s bloody hard isn’t it? Well done for keeping it together

What's he actually for?

From what you've said I think you were perfectly justified. In fact I'd go as far to say as he's not even part time. I was expecting you to say he works 60 hour weeks or something and still suggest that he accommodates at least one or two pickups and share more of the parenting, but working half days?! He should be doing loads more! Why doesn't he join you visiting family? What's his reason for not doing nursery pickups and some appointments etc? I don't like the ensuing sulk either...so YOU'RE doing everything and HE'S sulking?!! Fucking manchild! I think you need a big family shake up. I'd probably tackle it by sitting down together ans doing a list of everything and share it out between you in a way that works for you both. He's had an easy ride of doing parenting lite so far...time for him to step up!

You would be better off on your own; you are pretty much on your own within this relationship already.

I have to look at you in this and would ask you why you and this man are still together at all?. Is this really what you want to teach your DD about relationships, that men do indeed treat women like you're being and currently accepting on some level?.

I don't know. But after being to citizens advice etc I'm in no position to leave.

This all ridiculously started because he keeps going on at me to enrol her in some dance class (or swimming class or whatever it is perfect SIL is doing with her kids) so I said that with her starting school, going from 2.5 days to 5 longer days each week she'll be exhausted,and that was it, I'm the enjoyment witch and I don't do enough with her, it's my fault dd is an anxious kid etc etc. I really dislike him. I hate that I do but I do.

He sounds like an annoying teenager! I'm assuming he's a grown adult though?
I feel your pain in some ways I have it a lot better I do have a Dp that does his share of childcare but then I'm battling any real share of household chores. I'm currently on washing strike and he had no clean pants for work yesterday which hopefully will start making things clearer.

I work full time and I earn more so I expect 50% at least. If you're SATM I guess you could expect 70/30? Sit him down and ask/discuss the level of organisation/cleanliness that you both want the house/life to be. Then write down everything that that involves and divide. I have even put how long each thing entails so he knows that if he is efficient that I'm only expecting 4 hours a week on the house (or whatever)

I don't buy that men don't know what it takes to run a household, I think it's willful ignorance but after 16 months of refusing to be the manager of the house I've given in and dictated what he should do. It does seem to be starting to work.

You're definitely not being unreasonable though, I would just be really clear that you didn't sign up for a 1950s life of childcare and drudgery and that unless he starts pulling his weight that

The thing that can't happen is that he just lets it slide and you pick it up- so what I've done is ensure that he is responsible for things that if he doesn't do them, it doesn't massively affect me and DS. I'm trying to stick with it in the hope that he will start to feel that he is really contributing positively to the house.

In terms of childcare and spending time, I think you need to be really clear that if he doesn't do this then it will adversely affect their bond. Because that's just unacceptable .

What’s your financial situation OP? He is very very unlikely to step up and become a decent parent and partner. You are facing a fight just to get him to do the bare minimum. Put your efforts into finding a way out of the relationship instead.

Look into leaving him, he's a waste of space

Oh I just read your update. He's criticising you far too much... he sounds awful. Don't bother trying to make him be a person, Ltb.
Now that DD is at school can you look for work?
Remember how he treats you is how she will grow up and expect to be treated.

I don't know. But after being to citizens advice etc I'm in no position to leave

I work 30 hours a week & manage on my own OP.

DD goes to breakfast club for 30 mins & after school club for 60 mins.

Both are free.

You would get 70% of childcare payed for by tax credits. So in the summer I take A/L for parr of the week & then DD goes to a forest school for 3 days.

Its totally doable, I can promise you that.

FWIW Citizens advice didnt give me correct info, as lovely as they were.

He actually said that he pulls his weight around the house. He thinks that doing occasional washing up, occasional putting clothes away and even more occasional washing, he's pulling his fucking weight!
I've tried laying it all out for him before but he takes it as a personal attack and then starts laying into me again.
He even takes it personally because our dd has a cute night time saying she says to me every night and not him. I said he was being pathetic being upset by that, and if he wants a better relationship with her then he shouldn't have done a, b and c and should start doing d, e and f. That didn't go down well. Asshole.

He's a shirker.... BUT you're enabling him to be - make him do stuff

I plan on looking for work in September. I have no worries about going it alone.
But right now I have no income, before him I was disabled (but almost recovered now) so I haven't worked in 10 years. I want to work, I worked since I was 15.
My name isn't on the lease for the house because I moved in with him, I have a car in negative equity that's in my mums name and screwing her credit isn't an option.
I'll literally be in social housing and it would be most likely miles and miles away and I've just gotten dd into a fantastic school with her cousin (who is more like her brother). So I'm playing the waiting game atm.

... posted too soon

Like do a chart of who does what each week, set time day up that you do things when he's working then he finishes and you share so one cooks and the other dies homework with your child, one washes up the other puts child in bath ... and so on

Part time sounds generous, and it sounds like he's a part time partner too, not just dad. What a waste of space.

My exh was a part time parent, and also left running the household entirely to me. He also happened to be emotionally abusive, which in time escalated to physical abuse.

You need some impartial, professional advice.

He was part time partner too.

Do you work OP?

If he said to you “you contribute nothing to this household” would you be offended? Upset? Even if he didn’t mean it like that...

You went for a sore spot and you hit it 🤷‍♀️

@flumpybear i never know when he's working, even on the day, as he's self employed, jobs last as long as they last and that's that. Sometimes it's all day, sometimes it's an hour. Which also makes budgeting a bloody nightmare.

I'll literally be in social housing

You wont. There is none as far as Im aware.

You can privately rent. Housing Benefit would help you initially.

He has said that before and yes it upsets me but after 5 years I've had enough so damn right I went for a sore spot. Maybe he'll start being there for our dd instead of coasting

Ohwhataballsup, but I'll still screw my mothers credit.

If he wants to enrol your Dr in this and that, suggest that he enrols her, takes her and deals with the ensuing moods due to her tiredness.

That's exactly what I said, if you want sign her up then you sign her up!

But then I get the whole "I can't drive, you know I can't get there, you're arguing with me for the sake of it, you don't do enough for her, you need to make more effort. "

Sorry i know you're all feeling like you're banging heads against a wall. That's exactly how I feel. Thanks though for making me realise that this is on him and not me, because he always ends up convincing me it's my fault.