HHand hold needed- DS leaving to live with ExH

[stormsurfer]

I have been the sole resident parent for 7 years. ExH lives overseas and only sees DC for holidays. Now DS (16) wants to live with ExH and I'm devastated. DS says he wants to catch up on time lost to see his father even though he is aware it was his DF choice to live in another continent. I know at 16 I can't stop him so am saying he can go, but inside I am broken. And am worried what it will do to his education, job prospects and also to his relationship with his DSis who wants nothing to do with their DF. I need help with how to cope with this. To avoid drip feeding both DC have ASD and other issues so are younger developmentally and need more care than their peers.

Didn't want to not post something. I can imagine how devastated you are. Let him go he is that age that he wants to exert his independence and perhaps this us his way of doing it. If dad has had little involvement in his life he may not want it in long term but if he does try to stay positive big hugs xxx

The dream will not match up with reality. Let him go with your blessing and wait for the call he wants to come home. If he stays and does well its down to your upbringing of him, if he comes back at least he has had a taste of living a different life. Support as best you can, you will always be his mum no matter where he is.

Thank you. I know the right thing is to let him go and see for himself. But it hurts so much and it feels like all my efforts for all these years have been discounted and wasted.

Does his Dad want him full time?
I think he is an age where he is looking for male role models.

Well that's the big question. Certainly when his dad had the chance to return to this country and be involved, he didn't take it. So time will tell... ExH would never say " no you can't come" but at the same time his actions and choices suggest he prefers the single, child free life.

Maybe he needs to do this, and only then will he discover how much you truly support him. This has got to be so very hard on you, I wish you all the best.

The fact that he is capable of going, despite having ASD, means you must have done a fantastic job of raising him to be independent and strong. If he were insecure or doubted your love, he would never have dared to leave your side. It is completely understandable that a dad in another country would seem glamorous. In my experience, sons definitely want to measure themselves and be in relationship to their fathers at this agemy sons loved me but sixteen wasn't the most respectful time of their lives toward me. This step seems developmentally appropriate for a child who feels securely lovedso I think you must be an awesome mom.

Are you the same OP I read about yesterday, whose 16 year old son wanted to live with the dad and dads gf, and who was being encouraged not to do further and higher education by the dad?

I would potentially talk to a solicitor just to see if you have any say in the matter because of age and asd etc. It is ultimately your sons choice I think, but if he does go then make sure he knows he can always come home to you and that you're there for him. Be supportive and don't let anything damage the bond you have with him because then if he does need to come home, he will tell you.

@SausageEggAndSpam I don't think I posted that another day, but that is exactly the same situation. Maybe I commented on someone else's thread? Was the DS moving country too?

Thank you everyone, it helps to think that it is a sign he's doing well to be able to contemplate this move.

I wish it wasn't so far away. I wish I could at least see him every other weekend or something, but that it not possible.

And yes, I will make sure he knows he's always welcome home.

I thought it sounded like the other thread too. But no mention of living in another country. The other poster split when her son was 1 year old I think. He hasn't spent much time with his dad over the years and this might be good for both of them. It might be hard for your DS seeing his mates do stuff with their dads.

I'm taking it he will still come to visit you? Have the next steps of his education been considered?

Is it a more attractive country than where you live?

Let your son go with your blessing.

I'm not the same person then.

Yes I think my DS has struggled when his mates have their dads around. ExH had chance to live back here but didn't due to not wanting to pay tax and I think that hurt both my DC greatly. DD doesn't talk to him, DS is "chasing" him.

The country is in the Middle East and very strict. Not the best place to be a teen, I reckon.

No plans at all for what DS will do there. DS just keeps saying he wants time with his dad before he is an independent adult. I can't control what ExH will set up for DS, if anything. ExH has a track record of only doing what suits himself, not considering DC (as evidenced by him living overseas for all these years).

Does your son not have to stay in education til 18?

We are in Scotland. I believe he can leave at 16, but I would have wanted him to stay on for longer.

Your ex enjoys the single life? I suspect that they’ll be living like flatmates and that your son will become bored quite quickly, unless he settles particularly well into a school or job. Make sure he knows that he can get on a flight anytime and you’ll pick him up at this end. Encourage his sister not to be too hard on him, he obviously feels he needs to give this a go and she should respect it.

This must be so tough stormsurfer

Sorry if I've missed anything but I'm taking from your posts that you felt you had to say yes to your DS request?

But did you? 16 is young. I'd be frantic at my 16 yo moving to the Middle East to a parent he doesn't really know.

Have you talked to DS, and made your feelings known?

Can he go for a trial period, commit to coming back & take it from there?
Would he have been interested in further education / higher education before now?

Then I think you need to talk to your son about these options and what he is going to do.

(For context, I am a single parent to 3 children with an involved father, at least in a parenting sense. He lives locally but I'd be really concerned if any of them went to live with him, 16 or not. I can't imagine seeing them go off to the Middle East 😳)

@confcall, my ExH has a GF there so not so much the single life any more, more the childless couple life with huge disposable income.

@EarringsandLipstick- yes,DS was supposed to be staying on at school with extra support this year. He had also applied to college and was thinking about that as an alternative because he found examinations hard and may suit modular learning better.

He went to visit his dad in the exam leave and came back wanting to live with him. I have tried talking to him about all the options, about how it would be better going once he is 18 and has finished school based education. I said he will miss his mates, that he won't be able to have a GF in the same way as here and so on. I have told him that he will be sacrificing his own development and future to be with his dad and even got quite tough with him and told him how his dad has had chances to be more involved with him by moving back but has not taken those.

If I push any harder, I run the risk of alienating him from me. As it is now he says it is not because he doesn't love me, just that he hasn't had time with his dad. I want it to stay that way and have him happy to return for visits and permanently when he's ready.

I agree, 16 is very young, he has additional needs so seems even younger. And it's the Middle East. But I don't see how I can force him to stay. I hate ExH for there even being this choice.

My 16 year old also has ASD. Under do circumstances would I willingly allow this and I would take legal action to try and prevent it. Many teens with ASD do not understand consequences and for want of a better phrase - do stupid shit. I wouldn't want my teen with ASD doing Stupid Shit in a "strict" country in the Middle East - I also have some experience of the ME albeit UAE as family lived there for some time and we went often. I'd explain why and do what I needed to do to prevent this for as long as possible, only till age 18 I should think but at least another couple of years to grow up.

And that's another issue. ExH swears he has not married his GF and yet they are living together which is very much against the law and culture. ExH tells DS they are above the law due to ExHs position. What kind of lesson does that teach him, keeping in mind that DS is very literal and could easily think it would be OK for him to break local laws and be culturally insensitive too? I worry about that aspect of it a lot. It's not like they live in Dubai which is slightly less strict.

@CarolDanvers cross posted with you! Yes that's exactly why I am so scared about it all. We all lived in the UAE before when DC were younger. But even that would scare me now with ExH being the way he is and my DS needing input to balance that out.

I did ask a lawyer, but apparently I can do nothing as he is 16 and technically an adult in Scotland.

I am in the same position as you. DS15 father lives on another continent (not Middle East though) and he visits once or twice a year. His Dad is wealthy, has a new wife and DS has two half brothers over there. He lives a life of privilege over there. We are not badly off (comfortable in a nice house, DP and I both have good jobs) but we can't compete with his Dad's life over there.

DS is adamant he is moving over there when he has finished education. Luckily his Dad is onboard with him finishing his education over here, so for now I have him until 21, all going well.

It's so hard to think that as a mother you have put in all of the hard work, made all of the sacrifices, been there regardless, and they are happy to just drop all of that, seemingly without a thought. Interestingly DS says exactly the same as yours, that he feels now he needs to make up time with his Dad as he's been with me all the time so far.

I struggled with it with DS, but I have rationalised it by telling myself, he could have moved away after school or uni anyway (my DB live in the US).

Do you think there is anyway you could persuade him to continue to 18 in school or college? By then he will be that little bit older and hopefully more mature. Would his father support that?

I think that would be much better timing for him to move, but sadly ExH will not support me in pushing for that.

The money and lifestyle are huge factors in this. They live very modestly with me, but the. See all the riches their dad has and loves to flaunt.

Storm I really feel for you.

I was thinking CarolDanvers was spot on but then I see you have had legal advice and can't do anything as he's 16. I assume legally the ASD diagnosis doesn't make any difference?

The only hope would be to convince exH that this isn't a good idea - but it sounds like that's not an option.

With all you've said, I would feel really worried for your son & sad at lost opportunities. Sorry, I know that doesn't help.

Is there anyone who could speak to exH on your behalf about your concerns? Just 💔 for you.

The only way to override the 16 thing to stop him is to have him proven incapacitated. Which I really do not want to do and I'm sure would result in me losing him for ever.

I have tried over the years of our separation and divorce to get people to talk to ExH about issues and get him to be more reasonable, but he is not open to that and in fact it often gave him a greater sense of power over me which sadly he loves. He is a negligent father and was an abusive husband.

I'm so sorry Storm. It does sound like you have done all you can. When will your DS be moving?

I still think you should agree to a shorter, defined time, particularly in light of his ASD. I know it's up to your DS ultimately.

Have been thinking of you, it's just heartbreaking. How are you doing now?