HHand hold needed- DS leaving to live with ExH

[stormsurfer]

I have been the sole resident parent for 7 years. ExH lives overseas and only sees DC for holidays. Now DS (16) wants to live with ExH and I'm devastated. DS says he wants to catch up on time lost to see his father even though he is aware it was his DF choice to live in another continent. I know at 16 I can't stop him so am saying he can go, but inside I am broken. And am worried what it will do to his education, job prospects and also to his relationship with his DSis who wants nothing to do with their DF. I need help with how to cope with this. To avoid drip feeding both DC have ASD and other issues so are younger developmentally and need more care than their peers.

Thank you. I think it will be August, rather than go back to school. I think thats a good idea to set times on it. Perhaps I could negotiate with his dad when he gets back for visits and then review after a couple of months. I think I will treat it in my head like a gap year and assume that this is his permanent home. I won't do anything hasty like take him off the drs list, dentist etc. I'll keep everything set up for him to come home.

I wish ExH was a co parent, that would help, but he's been so abusive to me I don't trust him at all. And I know even if I got an agreement through lawyers or mediation with him that he would just ignore it as he does our existing child agreement from the divorce.

I've just got to accept and deal with it. I suppose one good thing is I can get back to work. I have been a full time carer for DC due to their needs and having no other parent around to help. I also can't leave the DC alone together as DS gets very violent. With him away, I could have a more flexible life. That sounds awful, but I'm trying to see any tiny benefit to this.

You sound like you've done an amazing job with your DS ...for him to want to get to know his dad is a very natural thing especially as he grows up... so another acheivement for you.... yes he is 'younger' because of ASD but sounds like he's coming on
.....let him go and just keep telling him that he is loved and can come home whenever he wants - do not change much (as it maybe a short visit once everyone realises grass isnt greener)
maybe give it a few months to get a job as if it goes pear shaped quickly you may have to stop again.....take some time to yourself and have a rest..
he can come back to UK education no problem esp if going to college -
Gap year is a good plan and he maybe ok in the quite structured world in somewhere like UAE...
Arrange time to skype/facetime when he's there ..

Yes that is good advice.

I will need to tell school, but apart from that, I will change nothing for at least 2 months, and including trying to get work as I don't want to start then stop. And TBH I could really do with a wee gap just to recover. It has been a long hard slog for years.

He will be in ME, but not UAE. I hope he follows the rules to the letter!

I do worry that his motivation to be with his dad is less to do with bonding and more to do with the huge amount of money and extravagant lifestyle that he will get, but we will see.

My sister was considering going to live with our dad at 14 - similar situation but different continent. I think what appealed to her was the adventure of going somewhere new. Also when we visited we were in holiday mode and doing lots of fun stuff. Plus spending more time with our dad. She didn't go in the end as she felt she would miss friends.
It sounds like you have talked to your son about all the issues. If he really wants to go I guess you have to let him try for a bit. I am surprised that a teenager wants to live in the middle east though!
Has his dad got a plan for schooling? Would internet school be an option if not? Or open university?

Sorry x post. Averythinline's advice is excellent. As is seeing this as a gap year.

Can he not go to international school there and to the IB? If it's Abu Darbi I know someone who teaches at a British international school which is excellent. As far as the "living with his girlfriend" as long as they have a Nika they are considered married in the eyes of God but is quickly dissolved, its used in this country too to avoid the strict gender segregation rules in the Muslim community.

I would suggest he went now for 6 weeks and that you say he can only stay there if he registers for school/college or gets a job

I have made all those suggestions to his dad about education, but nothing has been arranged. I suspect his dad will do nothing and I can't force that.

DS has said he would like to learn Arabic when there, but that is the only thing he has said that would count as education. I'm hoping his dad will at least facilitate that.

I know its hard but dont worry about his education for a year at 16..

he will learn life skills and stuff as his own person....he may only learn that its hot and you have to stay in A.C shopping centres to avoid being burnt to a crisp and there is a limit to how exciting designer trainers can be but he will have learnt it for himself..

he will also probably learn that his DF is a twat and money cannot buy love ......all very good things to learn at 16 !
it'll be hard.... but supportively let him go ...breathe and have a break yourself....

Argh, I feel for you. My eldest was a bit wobbly this year and considering joining the armed forces and was really angry with me for not giving my parental consent.

I think he was fed up of exams and worried about his results so was looking for a way out. We managed to convince him to see his results and to do A levels before deciding on joining anything.

As you said, there's nothing you can do and being very against it may make him put up with it just to prove you wrong.

I think do as you suggest which is look at the positives and get a break, back to work etc. Encourgae him to study and enjoy his life out there but stress that the lifestyle is very different and that if he changes his mind, there is absolutely no shame in coming back. It's good that he's trying it etc. You have to make it easy for him to come back without losing face. Discuss his future with him - what he would like to do long term and suggest that this is a year out for him to get a break, spend time with his father, learn Arabic and think about what he would like to do with his future.

Good luck op, I feel for you but you sound like you've done an amazing job so he will be fine.

Thank you everyone. It's helps to have talked about it. I will just get on with it and put as many damage limitation steps in place as I can.