In-laws visiting sick dp

[IsAStormApporaching]

I am looking for advice please. There is a big backstory to the relationship we/i have with the in laws.

Dp has had an unplanned major operation. He asked I only informed in-laws after the OP as it would have been high drama and he was already very poorly and stressed.
He is still unwell and may be in for another 2 days.
But the in-laws seem to think when he is home they will be visiting him at our home.
I am nc with them and dp and dc are lc.
I am not able to speak to dp to see if that is what he wants as there is always one of them in no matter when you arrive.
I am also not comfortable with them being in our home. I have 2 dc to look after, I am 10 weeks pregnant (they don't know yet) and I don't need anymore stress than we have already been through this week.

So what do I do in regards to visiting when he get home?
I don't want these people in our home. But I also don't want to seem like I am holding dp hostage away from them.
I understand they will rightly be worried but their behaviour is so unhealthy I don't want them back into our lives. I like the boundaries we have built. They usually only see dp 6/7 time a year at most.

Back story with the in-laws
•it was clarified from mil to me from day one that they will always be his first and prominent family.
•mil is the facilitator of all family information and everyone must go through her.
•when we miscarried our first (planned baby) she laughed because I couldn't trap her son properly.
•mil is a narcissistand is always the victim or center of any story being told. Mega tantrums when she don't get her own way.
•mil and sil have both tried to attack me on separate occasions. Mil's incident while I had my son with me
•abusive messages for 3 week- I was class less, a gold digger,
•I am banned from their house and vice versa as I will not be disrespected in my own home

I genuinely tried may times with them giving the benefit of the doubt. But if I ever defended myself or stood up for myself if was met with abuse from mil, fil & sil.
All I wanted was to be respected as ds's mother but eventually I had to put my emotional wellbeing first as I became very unwell from their behaviour.
Anyways Dp fully supports me but he is unwell and doesn't need stress. But I don't want the stress or drama back into our lives. Or boundaries to become blurred again.

Help??

I would say that you must continue as you wish to go on... once that bag has her toe in the door there will be no getting rid of her. Do some research, print out some handy Air Bnb info and hand them to her, and ask how long she intends to give your husband to recover before booking?

Are they likely to appear at the door before he is home? Because that one is easy to deal with. He's not home and you're still not welcome here. We will be in touch once he's home.

However, once he is home you and your dp need to decide what to do about a visit. What are your options? What will your dp want? How far away do they live? Will it be a quick half hour or will they stay for ages or even overnight?

stressful time. Take care.

Thank you both.
They live across the street from us. too close
But when they visit if you said can you come at 1pm they arrive at 11am because no tells her when she can visit her family. And then they stay for the full day.
He had to eventually ask them to leave the hospital at 9pm last night because he was exhausted and they had been there all day.

I would have as much an issue if it was a pop in. I would tolerate making an exception given the circumstances. But I know that when dp is better they will expect to go back to swaning in whenever.
They turned up at our door to see dp once, I told them he was at work and they refused to believe this. Eventually I had to call the police to get them to leave as they where frightening the children by screaming through the letter box.
I just don't want that level of crazy back in my life.

Let them visit. And whilst they’re there, DP can tell them himself that he doesn’t want to see them again until he says he’s ready and doesn’t want them in your and his house. Ill or not, it sounds like he makes you deal with all the conflict to give himself an easy life.

crikey . I think your husband has to tell them he wants rest at home and as soon as he is able he will visit them . If they don't respect his wishes then they are showing their true colours to him.

Nope. Do not let them into your home. They are already showing you that they don't give a shit about his well-being by staying so long at the hospital.

I agree with SusieOwl. The message has to come from your husband. With his permission I would text from his phone to say that he does not want them to come to the house but he will be in touch when he is feeling better and will come and visit them. If he wants to!

Stand firm. Do not let these horrible people into your house. Yes circumstances are different but not different enough to let them across the threshold! You have every right.

Best of luck.

Yeah... he may be ill, but I don’t think the surgery was to remove his dangly bits. He needs to tell them that the same rules apply. Your house = your rules.

Can't he just FaceTime them rather than let them in ?

No way would I let these crazy people in my house! You will be opening the door to hell once again. Facetime, Skype, whatever, but no way would they be stepping over my threshold. The old saying, 'tough shit, you reap what you sow' applies here. If they ever do have the nerve to speak to you again, I'd just laugh and walk off.

CF's!

I don't think anything's changed really. They're not welcome in your house, either when your dh is well, or recovering. The only exception might be, is if you are unable to cope with his recuperation, i.e. he needs more care than you can provide bearing in mind you have 2 children and are pregnant. However, i think i would manage this and let them know he is recovering well and he will visit them when he can. He can always face time them, if they need to see him. Once you allow them to trample your boundaries, it'll be hard to reinstate them.

Can you have a word with the hospital and ask them to restrict his hospital visit hours?

They're a disgrace & their antics at your door are unforgivable. Under no circumstances should they ever darken your door again.
When your DH is well enough both of you should consider moving - and not giving them your new address.

No chance I would let them in. You have set boundaries so stick to them. They cannot expect to enter your home after being so vile to you. You need to remain NC. I'm sure your Dh won't be laid up forever. He can visit them when he feels up to it given they live so close. Don't be manipulated, just ignore them. Keep your doors locked so they can't just walk in.

No way do you let them in the house!

None of you need the stress, especially your DP! Maintain your boundaries.

Simple, you don’t let them in. Why on earth did anyone tell them he had an operation or did they see an ambo arrive or something? You don’t need the stress back in your life and why have you not yet moved house? They live opposite??

I have read every post so thank you everyone for the responses.
I think I do have to stay firm with my boundaries for my safety and mental wellbeing.
I saw the in laws last night but as there where so many nursers in and out of the room they had to be civil.
When dp gets well enough I am happy to walk him over to their house and collect him when he is ready.
FaceTime is a fantastic suggestion.
He still has 2 more days so hopefully as they see him improving they will back off.

It's very strange not being able to be alone anymore with dp.
There is always one of them there watching. I popped in 3 different time yesterday and they where there evertime.

Can you enlist a friendly nurse to ask them to give him some privacy and step out? Especially as their visits are wearing him out?

I would love to speak to a nurse to ask when he looks exhausted could they point it out to in laws. But that really isnt my place to do that.
That should come from dp. It is good to know last night he felt capable of asking the to leave when he was exhausted.

It absolutely is your place to do that. Do you really think he wants people he sees 6-7 times per year next to his hospital bed for the entire day?

Please tell me you are his next of kin?!

Yes i am his next of kin. But she doesnt know that as we are not married only engaged, so I assume she thinks it is still her.
And it hasn't came up yet. Thank God.

OK phew! Then I would definitely talk to the nurses. He needs to rest and having someone lurking in the corner, who is desperate to have a pop at your pregnant partner, is pretty stressful and will hinder his recovery.

Stand firm! You'll thank yourself for it. They sound batshit (the screaming through the letterbox thing )!

Do not let his parents in under any circumstances. I would also seriously consider moving house and not leaving them any forwarding address.

You need to remain NC. A good rule of thumb here is that if they are too toxic/difficult/batshit for you to deal with, its the same deal for your kids too. Keep your children well away from his parents going forward. They do not need to be subjected to their emotional manipulations either.

Your DP, out of being trained by them over a lifetime to serve them and his own fear, obligation and guilt, may well want to maintain a relationship with them but it does not mean that you or the kids have to do the same.

Talk to the nurses. It's unhealthy for them to be there constantly which is for their needs and not dh's.
Don't allow them into your home.

Do not allow them into your home under any circumstances.

It is your home.