In-laws visiting sick dp

[IsAStormApporaching]

I am looking for advice please. There is a big backstory to the relationship we/i have with the in laws.

Dp has had an unplanned major operation. He asked I only informed in-laws after the OP as it would have been high drama and he was already very poorly and stressed.
He is still unwell and may be in for another 2 days.
But the in-laws seem to think when he is home they will be visiting him at our home.
I am nc with them and dp and dc are lc.
I am not able to speak to dp to see if that is what he wants as there is always one of them in no matter when you arrive.
I am also not comfortable with them being in our home. I have 2 dc to look after, I am 10 weeks pregnant (they don't know yet) and I don't need anymore stress than we have already been through this week.

So what do I do in regards to visiting when he get home?
I don't want these people in our home. But I also don't want to seem like I am holding dp hostage away from them.
I understand they will rightly be worried but their behaviour is so unhealthy I don't want them back into our lives. I like the boundaries we have built. They usually only see dp 6/7 time a year at most.

Back story with the in-laws
•it was clarified from mil to me from day one that they will always be his first and prominent family.
•mil is the facilitator of all family information and everyone must go through her.
•when we miscarried our first (planned baby) she laughed because I couldn't trap her son properly.
•mil is a narcissistand is always the victim or center of any story being told. Mega tantrums when she don't get her own way.
•mil and sil have both tried to attack me on separate occasions. Mil's incident while I had my son with me
•abusive messages for 3 week- I was class less, a gold digger,
•I am banned from their house and vice versa as I will not be disrespected in my own home

I genuinely tried may times with them giving the benefit of the doubt. But if I ever defended myself or stood up for myself if was met with abuse from mil, fil & sil.
All I wanted was to be respected as ds's mother but eventually I had to put my emotional wellbeing first as I became very unwell from their behaviour.
Anyways Dp fully supports me but he is unwell and doesn't need stress. But I don't want the stress or drama back into our lives. Or boundaries to become blurred again.

Help??

Been up to see him and they where not there! And haven't been up all day.
Maybe because he asked them to leave- I don't know.
His friends visited just before us and he was in good spirits. Seemed a lot more relaxed and less stressed.

Hopefully they will keep their visit short tonight and let him rest.

And I defiantly will be standing firm on them not visiting our home.
Our home should be a place of saftey and happiness, which it it just now. But letting them back in could change that.

The children seeing them is dps choice. I would happily stop contact as I don't see any benefit to the children of the relationship with them. But dp wants them to see them.
He supervises visits and doesn't leave the room at any time.
The dc see them 3 times a year so I am happy enough with that compromise as long as they remain calm and non abusive during visits.
And I trust dp if there was an incident he would leave with the dc straight away.

When new baby comes I have no idea how it will work though as I will be breastfeeding again. But that's a whole other problem

I must check with my husband to see if my bil is in hospital- although come to mention it he doesn’t have a sister. You have my sympathies, my husband and I are in our 8th year of being nc with his family- he has them on Facebook but we post absolutely zero updates or photos about our dc. That sucks in itself but we have a private family page and send anything via messenger.

Ask your dh to call you as soon as they leave! Then tell him he needs to get them to leave, they are back in full control right now and they won’t give it up without a fight! Tell him that you will not have them anywhere near you or your dc! All previous boundaries are to be reinforced as soon as he leaves. They can contact your husband via mobile etc until he is well enough to go visit them himself! Tell him that you will call the police if they turn up at your door, so he had best warn them!

Be prepared though, they have had every minute and hour of his hospital stay to fill his head with nonsense about how evil you are and how he should return home with them as they can look after him properly. In fact, the fact he has been such a wet blanket over visiting suggests exactly this!

Why on Earth he even told them about his operation I don’t know! My husband would not want his family anywhere near him if he was in hospital! Are you sure your dh is happy about the current contact/ boundaries?

I have never stopped dh from seeing his family, he is a grown man, I did cut contact with myself and dc as it was just not healthy for dc to be around them. This was at the advice of my then social worker (disability) who said that I needed to cut contact or she would need to report to child services as my outlaws were a risk (not the term she used but it’s slipped my mind at the moment). DH has been on board and actively the one who has reinforced boundaries. He has no intention of going back to how it was- they were very abusive emotionally and psychologically and after three lots of counselling and two Susan Forward books, he feels a lot better about himself.

I hope your DP recovers soon.

But...why haven't you moved?

When new baby comes I have no idea how it will work though as I will be breastfeeding again. But that's a whole other problem

It won't be a problem. You tell hospital staff that your Dp and children (if allowed on ward) are the only ones who can visit you. Hopefully you'll be home in a day. And then you keep the front door closed. They still don't get to come into your home.

As for your new baby, baby stays with you, they can see baby when you are no longer breastfeeding! To be honest I see absolutely no positive to these people seeing your children! This woman laughed when you miscarried- your partner should not let her anywhere near your babies!

Sorry all it has been a busy 2 days.
But his doing much better and is being discharged today.
I am looking forward to having our boundaries back. Hopefully the in-laws will respect then but I am prepared to be firm.
I spoke to dp the other night when we got alone time and his is definalty on the same page as me which is reassuring.

And to NannyOgg we have been saving and are moving this year thankfully.

Glad he's getting better and you no longer have to hang out with them, OP!!! I hope he’s well enough to have your back if they come knocking!

I am glad you are feeling strong about it OP, family drama can be so stressful and you need to be kind to yourself at this early stage of pregnancy

Whilst in hospital can you not change the locks and give him a new key for a gift when he comes to?
Then book an Airbnb (will need to be in the catchment area for GP if you are having district nurses visit) for when he's discharged respite from the outlaws!
If MIL is as difficult as you describe then she's likely to phone the ward for updates/estimated date of discharge etc... so you might want to ask your husband to ensure his notes reflect his decision on communication with them.
Advocate for your partner when he's discharged... being assertive may give you the bad guy title but it's worth it to give your partner the safety of recovering without added stress levels.
Alternatively ask your own mum to act as doorman when he's discharged and you can focus on nursing your partner without them burdening your door.