Help me to give my head a wobble. I have feelings I don’t want.

[Whyafteralltheyears]

I had a close working relationship with someone a few years ago and through the nature of our work became closer than ‘normal’ work colleagues. I had a very difficult time at work and this person helped me a lot which made us closer. I think I began to fall in love with them, not in the part of way that I would cheat on my partner and I didn’t ‘fancy’ them or fantasise about them, but my feelings for this person were deep and confused.
We both ended up leaving for unrelated reasons and moving away. I deliberately reduced and then cut contact because my heart was aching for this person in a way it shouldn’t.
A couple of months ago our paths crossed again at a conference and then again soon after at another conference, both unexpectedly. There is a chance they will be moving closer to me again (although not actually working together). I’ve not had contact since the conferences but the problem is my heart is aching again and the feelings I have are deep, complicated and unwanted. I managed to get them out of my mind but now I’m back to square one. I have no idea if it reciprocated and it really doesn’t matter as I don’t want to feel this way and would never ever act on it.
Has anyone else healed or recovered from this kind of heartache? Seeing them takes me back to difficult time in my life which also makes it complicated.

Are you single, is he? If not, what are your relationships like. It sounds like this depth of feeling might be seeing them as an escape?
I think you need to work out why this feeling is so strong first. Then decide how/when/if to act on it, but don't cheat.

I’m not single. The other person is single but it’s still not a situation which could ever develop into anything. This person cares deeply for me and loves me I’m sure, but I don’t think they are in love or feel like I do. All it can do is cause me more pain! My relationship lacks affection and is mostly practical although we do still love each other. I am admittedly very lonely. We can’t/ won’t split up because of money and the dc but I’d never cheat either. I wouldn’t even want an emotional affair which is why I feel so awful about these feelings. It’s like a physical ache since I saw this person.

As far as the other person is concerned I think you need to avoid so contact. However, it's telling you something important about your relationship. Change it.

"We can’t/ won’t split up because of money and the dc but I’d never cheat either"

Whose sake are you staying for really; its not your children's is it but yours. Are you really that afraid of change?.

You became far too emotionally involved with this ex work colleague mainly and simply because your own current relationship is awful. You crossed all sorts of boundaries here and you're still hankering after him now you've crossed paths again.

Your current relationship is still awful and staying for money and the dcs are terrible reasons frankly for you and he being together now. Two wrongs here do not make a right and both of these men you write of are absolutely wrong for you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. You want to keep on showing them that a loveless relationship without affection could become their norm too?.
You would be far better off on your own with your children.

Is this person the same sex as you?

Is that the problem?

I have cut all contact with this person to the best of my ability and hadn’t seen them for 3 years. We didn’t realise how close we’d become and it freaked us both out I think, although we have never mentioned it. We both just put in some distance which was easier when we were not spending so much time together.
My husband and I have nearly split up many times and have not been particularly happy for years. We get along ok on a day to day basis and don’t argue etc and have genuinely tried to make it work many times. We would miss each other if we split up and maybe we need to try harder to stay together? I just don’t know.
I admit I am scared of change and financially we would both struggle separately which is the biggest practical issue.

I’ve not been happy in my marriage for many years and it’s so sad to see that written down. We are a happy family in some ways and still have lots of fun together but there is a lack of emotional intimacy. I honestly haven’t tried to fill it with someone else and feel really shit about the situation I’m in and just want it to go away!
Maybe I’ve not tried hard enough? If I could wave a magic wand I’d want my marriage to work and wouldn’t want a way out.

Hi OP,

I was in the same kind of marriage as you. Please don't feel guilty. Truly.

My marriage lacked emotional intimacy. He was a good man, a good dad, we were financially ok together, nothing hugely "wrong". "Just" a lack of emotional intimacy.

I realise now that there was nothing I could have done to save my marriage. Nothing. I tried and tried, but I couldn't control how HE felt. And he took the closeness away. I couldn't make him bring it back. It wasn't a conscious thing on his part, but now we aren't together, he admits he hadn't loved me as a wife for years. He just didn't have the courage to say. I ended up meeting someone who I did develop emotional intimacy with too. It felt awful and as if I was torn in two.

Like you, I was scared of change, didn't want to feel how I felt, worried about our DD, was scared of finances. You know what? NONE of that was as bad as being in the marriage, knowing that our marriage had lost intimacy and that I could potentially feel it with someone else. That was the worse feeling in the world.

All the practicalities have been fine, ex and I get on well, DD is doing brilliantly.

DD knows that ex and I love each other very much. As friends and family. And we still are friends and family. Ex goes for beers with my DP and we all.spend Xmas together etc.

Sorry for the me-rail but I wanted to tell you that I get it. There is light at the end. If I could have changed my marriage by magic, I would have too. But in the end, I couldn't. The intimacy had gone.

It's ok for things to have changed. It isnt ok to be in a marriage where your most fundamental emotional needs aren't met. PM me if you like

www.livingwithlimerence.com

Have a look on there. It’s transformed the way I think about myself. You’re doing the right thing by going NC. It’s so hard, but you have to. And then have a think about your relationship...it doesn’t sound easy.

I think you have tried but your emotional energies that should have been channelled into your kids and leaving got sidetracked into this other man instead. He is a distraction as to what is really going on in your marriage, a marriage which seems over in all but name.

Are you a happy family really or are you just still wanting to put a gloss on things and or further stick your head in the sand here?. If your H and you have not been happy for years then the kindest thing for all parties here would be to separate. Staying for money and the kids are NO reasons at all to remain together, you're basically staying together for your own sakes (yours and husband's). The children do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between you and their dad. They will also not say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to them and it gives them a terribly heavy burden, the knowledge that you stayed because of them. They could also accuse you of putting him before them thus affecting your relationship with them as adults. You only have to look at other threads where children, now adults, have stated that their parents only stayed together because of them. They knew far more than what their parents ever credited them for.

Would you want your children as adults to have a marriage like yours, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

It's fairly obvious your x colleague is the same sex as you. Why not just say that?

What's with all the cagey pronouns?

I honestly didn’t know if their sex was relevant to this situation. I wasn’t trying to be cryptic, sorry.
I also feel vulnerable as I had a traumatic experience a few years ago which my husband has helped me with a lot but that experience has also created more distance between us too. I’ve had therapy and feeling a lot better but everything has changed. Although things were not 100% before.
It’s all very messy and I feel very messy.
We have a dc in private secondary school which is where the money worries come from.

Sorry about the pronouns :-( I didn’t want the thread to be about my sexuality as I think that’s not necessarily the biggest problem.

Does it matter if it is a person of the same sex? Op You sound like you have worked at the marriage and you husband isn’t able or willing to give you what you need. You are entitled to split up - off course you would miss him - I miss my abusive ex! But times a great healer.
Who is the one in the marriage who persuades the other not to go? As you have said you have nearly split up a few times.

That’s a very good question. I think I persuade us not to split up because I feel guilty. He loves me more than I love him I think.

I think your awkward use of pronouns holds a key to something worth exploring here, OP. This person is a mirror. She's holding something up to you. Who are you without your marriage? Who are you without the constraints of some kind of formulaic, socially acceptable existence? Who are you when you defy other's notions or what you 'should' do - and when you defy your own?

I don't see the sex of the person as being of any relevance whatsoever. It is the fact that your marriage isn't giving you emotional closeness which is the real problem.

Re school fees - could school help via bursaries, or mortgages be rejigged to help pay? I can recommend the website "entitled to" to help you work out what your finances would be if you split up with your husband.

Ultimately, I decided that I didn't want to model a kind of "half" marriage to DD. And that she deserved to see her parents in loving, intimate relationships. That will effect her far more in the long run than changing schools. Plenty of kids do that. They are surprisingly resilient if you are honest and age appropriate with them.

Ex and I told DD that when couples are married, they always kiss. And that when they don't want to because the love they feel is like the love they have for their best friend, then they need to not be married anymore. She totally gets it. She is 8 and has ASD. I was soooo scared how she would handle the split as she hates change etc. She has had a few wobbles, but her dad and I have made sure we both sing from the same hymn sheet, and have kept school in the loop.

So there are ways around the upheaval. You could keep your child at school for another year, maybe and then move them? So they aren't having so much change at once.

You living a lie and being unhappy will be far worse for them in the long run though.

Sorry, just seen your child is in secondary. Ignore what I said about my DD then. But still, they will be fine you know. Really.

I was in that situation for approx 8 years. Changed jobs, stayed out of way of man, tried to focus on my marriage.
It ruined me mentally.
Eventually I split up from exH and now me and OM are together as it turned out his feelings were as deep as mine. Our relationship is not a bed of roses but my marriage was very broken and by spending those years feeling guilty and trying to deny my love for current DP I was actually avoiding facing up to how bad my marriage was. It all caught up with me eventually and I wish I'd been braver sooner.

Take it seriously, these strong feelings are trying to tell you something important.

I think that she's the same sex hasn't confused you more. It's only natural.

Only natural if you've never been attracted to a woman before.

People on here won’t care two hoots if you’re gay, straight or bi, but I think that the fact she’s a woman is problematic for you and is worth exploring.

Your moribund marriage is a separate issue that needs to be addressed, for your sake and his.

Thanks for all your replies.
I’m so overwhelmed by it all I don’t know what to do or where to start. The situation in my OP is easiest but to deal with in some ways as I know NC is the best way and I’ve done it before and can do it again.
I honestly don’t know what to do about my marriage. We are going away next week and then it’s his birthday, then my son’s birthday
I was wondering whether I should be honest about how unhappy and lonely I am and see if things can get better. He’s a lovely man but hasn’t always been the most attentive husband. I think an open conversation would do us both good whatever the outcome.

I try to pretend sexuality isn’t an issue as it’s not the main reason my marriage has struggled but I’ve always known I’m not straight but only ever told 2 people in RL.