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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me to give my head a wobble. I have feelings I don’t want.

30 replies

Whyafteralltheyears · 13/07/2019 07:56

I had a close working relationship with someone a few years ago and through the nature of our work became closer than ‘normal’ work colleagues. I had a very difficult time at work and this person helped me a lot which made us closer. I think I began to fall in love with them, not in the part of way that I would cheat on my partner and I didn’t ‘fancy’ them or fantasise about them, but my feelings for this person were deep and confused.
We both ended up leaving for unrelated reasons and moving away. I deliberately reduced and then cut contact because my heart was aching for this person in a way it shouldn’t.
A couple of months ago our paths crossed again at a conference and then again soon after at another conference, both unexpectedly. There is a chance they will be moving closer to me again (although not actually working together). I’ve not had contact since the conferences but the problem is my heart is aching again and the feelings I have are deep, complicated and unwanted. I managed to get them out of my mind but now I’m back to square one. I have no idea if it reciprocated and it really doesn’t matter as I don’t want to feel this way and would never ever act on it.
Has anyone else healed or recovered from this kind of heartache? Seeing them takes me back to difficult time in my life which also makes it complicated.

OP posts:
JoannaCuppa · 13/07/2019 19:28

OP, it's ok to be gay or bi.

None of this will get any better without honest discussions with your husband. There will always be something on the horizon which makes those conversations feel best to be left for later. But avoiding the truth hurts so much more than bringing it into the light and dealing with it. Honestly. Yes, it will be hard, but not as bad as trying to live a lie.

None of this is you being horrible or a bad person. None of it. You deserve happiness.

Whyafteralltheyears · 13/07/2019 19:36

I do feel like a horrible person and things have happened to me that have made this feeling even worse.
I have been so upset all day about this and realised my husband and I haven’t had a proper conversation about ‘us’ for so long so I’m going to ensure we have one in the next week or so. I have been so depressed over the past couple of years that I don’t want to make a decision about my marriage unless I’ve spoken honestly to him. I struggle to make decisions and since my traumatic experience I’ve relied on my husband to make a lot of decisions. I’m feeling a lot better now but it’s been a difficult journey.

OP posts:
Whyafteralltheyears · 13/07/2019 19:38

I’m going to book to see my therapist again too to chat things through as she was amazing with my trauma and depression and knows about my marriage issues and my sexuality!

OP posts:
JoannaCuppa · 13/07/2019 19:52

That sounds like a really good plan. Speaking to your husband and therapist can only help clarify things.

The fact that your husband has helped you is lovely. It doesn't mean that you are forever indebted to him in a situation that makes you unhappy. I bet you would have supported him in exactly the same way.

Openness and honesty is everything. Good luck Flowers

QuentinWinters · 13/07/2019 20:15

That sounds like a good plan OP. Flowers

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