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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH won’t sleep with me

49 replies

rightteous · 13/07/2019 06:17

unless we are having sex. Just that really. No overnight snuggles/cuddling unless he’s getting sex. He won’t come into my bed. Or he’ll come in but when he realises there’s no hanky panky happening, he’ll get up and leave. So I sleep alone every night. I feel lonely. I feel like it’s only half a marriage as we are missing out on overnight cuddles/chats. I don’t know. My heads messed up by it. I want somebody to want to be beside me. It’s really knocking my self confidence and I feel like I should be initiating sex just to get the overnight that I so desperately want. I just wanted other people’s opinions of this situation. Would no overnight contact with your DH bother you?

OP posts:

QueenBeee · 13/07/2019 06:19

Very much.
Do you have children?
Why do you have two beds?

category12 · 13/07/2019 06:20

What does he say about it? Why doesn't he like sleeping together? When did this start?

What's the rest of your relationship like?

Original poster

rightteous · 13/07/2019 06:39

It started when we had the kids who are still small. I was up all night and slept in the spare room often with one or other of the kids. That’s not needed now but we still sleep separately. We’ve had lots of ups and downs and things have been very rocky for a few years. I’m not really looking for advice on the relationship itself as we are working on it but just opinions on the overnight situation. The last time he came into my bed and we were cuddling, when he realised I wasn’t in the mood for sex, he got up and left. It’s left me feeling a bit odd about that :(

OP posts:

31RueCambon · 13/07/2019 06:41

Wow. That is shit!
How to make you feel used not loved.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/07/2019 06:41

Personally, I think your marriage is in much bigger trouble than you are admitting to yourself.

KatherineJaneway · 13/07/2019 06:41

What does he say when you ask him about it?

WineGummyBear · 13/07/2019 06:44

It would bother me. But that's not the point.

It bothers you and it's having a bit impact on your self esteem. Sorry OP

Enclume · 13/07/2019 06:45

I would hate it

Original poster

rightteous · 13/07/2019 06:50

That’s the thing. We don’t really talk about it because he becomes very defensive if I raise anything like this with him and he often just storms off. I did say that leaving the bed made me feel sad and it would have been nice to have spent the night together but he just said that he left because I fell asleep. But that’s the point isn’t it. Why not stay and sleep together. The problem is that I fear if I raise it again it’s going to result in another row. I’m just not sure if I’m over reacting or thinking too deeply about it. I’m guessing lots of people sleep apart quite happily but I can’t help thinking that the getting up and leaving is a bit passive aggressive? I’m tying myself up in knots about it.

OP posts:

KnittingForMittens · 13/07/2019 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AllOverIt · 13/07/2019 06:57

I would have it out with him. If it's a big deal to you, then it's a big deal. Don't let H minimise your feelings. I agree with others. You can't be sorting out your relationship if he won't address this issue.

PurpleWithRed · 13/07/2019 06:57

I would also say this is part of a much bigger marital problem: in a good marriage where there are lots of other cuddles and contact and/or an acknowledged snoring issue it might be fine, but if the only physical contact he wants with you is sex then it's probably not fine at all.

Stillstrawberrywater · 13/07/2019 06:58

Do each of you snore? Maybe he's light sleeper? But yes, it is odd behaviour and I wouldn't like how he seems to be so blunt with you.

Cornishmum00 · 13/07/2019 07:07

Has he got so used to sleeping separately that doesnt sleep well with someone else in the bed?

AnyFucker · 13/07/2019 07:10

Bloody hell, what a cold fish he is

Does he leave 20 quid on the bedside table ?

Lovemusic33 · 13/07/2019 07:18

OP, I could have written your post 8 or so years ago. For me it was the beginning of the end of our marriage and eventually I asked him to move out, he was actually shocked and didn’t understand what he had done wrong. We hadn’t slept together since the kids were small, he would only come into bed if sex was on the cards and often would leave shortly after, he was cold and eventually I just didn’t want sex at all because it didn’t feel special, just felt like a chore.

Isisv · 13/07/2019 07:24

This is one of the saddest things I've read. How could you not possibly feel abandoned, unloved, and used. It's not odd, its complete shit! If you are not able to discuss these feelings with him without his storming off - how can any issues within your marriage be addressed?

Perhaps write him a letter, explaining how the no contact overnight is making you feel. Only you can decide and maintain your boundaries - I feel its safe to say that a majority of women would not tolerate this behaviour and I think you know this.

speakout · 13/07/2019 07:25

You need to speak to him.
If he does not realise or care that you are unhappy then this is a big issue.
Not sleeping togther is not in itself a problem but has to be something both individuals ar happy with- which you are not.

Draw a line- either he discusses this or you escalate.

IamtheOA · 13/07/2019 07:31

My ex ( we didn't live together) would recoil if I went to kiss him. If I cuddled up to him on one of the prescribed nights he would sleep over, he would tense up, and seem to be counting down to when he could shake me off.

I got to where i was so, so grateful for any affection or attention. It was an awful place to be in.

Since splitting with him, I've come to see how damaging it was, and how absolutely wrong of me to stay. It affected my sense of self worth in so many ways. Imagine always worrying about hugging your partner, because you never really knew how he would receive it.

Just talk to him, and explain how it makes you feel. If he doesn't care, then, well, he doesn't care.

urbanlife · 13/07/2019 07:31

Op if you can't even discuss the sleeping arrangements because he storms off then the marriage is in real trouble.

In your position, I would write a very concise email to him:

'dh, I don't think I can continue feeling so lonely and isolated sleeping alone every night. Unless we can address this problem together then I fear our marriage will continue to decline. I am happy to go to counsellor to discuss this with a professional or to for us to talk about it. I am no longer able to accept the sleeping arrangements or the lack of intimacy in our marriage. I love you, I want our marriage to work, but I can not continue to feel this way'

LizzieSiddal · 13/07/2019 07:36

We don’t really talk about it because he becomes very defensive if I raise anything like this with him and he often just storms off.

His behaviour is absolutely dreadful and he’s a controlling arse.

If I were you I’d be telling him your marriage is at breaking point and if he won’t talk to you 1:1, then you both need to go to counselling, in order to sort out your marriage problems.

LizzieSiddal · 13/07/2019 07:38

X posted with Urban, and I agree an email to him, would be a great idea.

FattyPedalsFuriously0hPipNo · 13/07/2019 07:43

Does he leave 20 quid on the bedside table?

^I was thinking this.

I'd be very insulted.

urbanlife · 13/07/2019 07:46

In your position I would also feel almost 'blackmailed' into sex, as he seems to be withholding affection unless his sexual needs are met first, it has a feeling of being almost transactional, this seems to me the most disturbing element.

I would be questioning whether this marriage can continue in any form.

Do you believe he still loves you? Is he kind to you in other ways? What does he do to make you feel loved and valued? If the answer is nothing, then not only would all sexual relations stop as of now, I would also be getting legal advice. You should be held to ransom in this way op.

urbanlife · 13/07/2019 07:46

Should not be held to ransom obviously!

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