DH won’t sleep with me

[rightteous]

unless we are having sex. Just that really. No overnight snuggles/cuddling unless he’s getting sex. He won’t come into my bed. Or he’ll come in but when he realises there’s no hanky panky happening, he’ll get up and leave. So I sleep alone every night. I feel lonely. I feel like it’s only half a marriage as we are missing out on overnight cuddles/chats. I don’t know. My heads messed up by it. I want somebody to want to be beside me. It’s really knocking my self confidence and I feel like I should be initiating sex just to get the overnight that I so desperately want. I just wanted other people’s opinions of this situation. Would no overnight contact with your DH bother you?

I have to say I would agree with him with valuing sound sleep over cuddles, but that requires compromise on his part. How to make him understand you need more physical contact outside of sex? Men do need less physical touch than women, on average, but he should understand you need more. I've read that phrasing that something makes you sad is more likely to put him on the defensive. However if he refuses to listen that's his fault of course.

Possibly he is seeking privacy so he can masturbate/watch porn etc. It would explain the defensiveness. In his head, you asking him to stay is denying him that option.

He is spectacularly selfish, though

He sees your bed as a shop. He wanders in, sees there are no special offers, so wanders out again.

Is he only leaving after you fall asleep?

Does he hug you during the day or is it just a night thing.?
If it's no physical contact then this relationship is dead.
If you aren't talk to him or he refuses then the same really.

We sleep separately but we both choose to and we still have cuddles without sex. Your dh sounds like he's only interested in one thing... this is obviously indicative of the other relationship issues you have though

You say "you are working on your relationship" - really ? You might be but he certainly isn't , if this is his normal behaviour -

when he realised I wasn’t in the mood for sex, he got up and left

In your position I'd be kicking him out, OP. He is treating you horribly.

He won't sleep with you when there's no sex, I'd get rid of the man child

It’s complicated.
Separate beds for sleep dies become a habit, and then sharing fir sec makes you feel pressured into sex...which puts you off. A vicious circle.

But actually sharing a bed probably creates the situation where you are more likely to want sex and initiate sex. A virtuous circle.

Can you explain those vicious and virtuous circles to him? And suggest that you start sleeping together but without sex, and he doesn’t try and initiate sex until you do?

Possibly he feels as rejected by lack of sex as you do by lack of cuddles.

Rather than a row, can you start a conversation from the POV of what you would both like as a shared goal?

I’m not saying he isn’t being unreasonable, though.

Would he consider couples counselling?

It sounds like you are working hard at your other relationship issues and you are also addressing this behaviour by having asked him about it.
Would you consider moving back to the main bed yourself - after all it is where you were both sleeping originally and it is your bed as much as his.
It might be that you would have to be ‘brave’ about this move as it would feel a bit strange given his behaviour. It all comes down to ‘do you really love and want to be with this man or not?’ If so, then move to the main bedroom on an evening you feel like you would want to have sex but not necessarily initiate it. Of course he himself might not want it that particular night and that’s ok. Some people would say why lower yourself or why manipulate the situation but I think if you yourself really want to be with him every night, you would need to be proactive and create the habit of being together. If he used to hug you going to sleep in the past then that behaviour should come back eventually.
However, you might feel awkward taking this step and of course there’s the risk that he might move to the spare bed in which case at least you’ll know for certain he only wants to be in bed with you for sex and nothing else which brings up the question does he want sex with you because you’re there and it’s convenient rather than have sex with You because it’s only You that he wants.
At least you know you’ve tried your best and then decide what should you do for your own future wellbeing.

Is he bent?

What a strange comment. What does it mean?

Do you snore OP? Is he a light sleeper?

Most importantly, he seems to be refusing to work on this issue even though he is aware that it makes you feel like shit.

He sounds rude. Does he devalue your feelings in other parts of your marriage?

Is he bent?

Bent??? What a disgusting phrasing.

OP he isn't treating you well, and the fact that he gets defensive when you try and bring it up is the biggest red flag for me. How are you supposed to work through your issues if he won't even talk about them?

Be careful here OP.

My ex used to do that. He used it to train me to have sex with him even when I didn't actually want it. Basically, he's saying 'if you dont let me get my end away, I'm going to withdraw all affection and close contact'.

It's a horrific thing to do to someone and you must be careful. It's borderline abuse.

Not the actions of someone who cares for you.

" bent" means "gay" in certain circles

Sounds grim. Separate beds is not necessarily an issue, we have slept separately for years but there is a clear understanding that we can get into the others bed at any time for cuddles, sex or sleep if we want to. To leave you alone because you are not up for sex is horrible and refusing to discuss it or trying to see your point of view is uncaring to say the least. But you probably can't separate this from the other problems in your relationship you need to tackle the wider issues. If you can resolve those then this one should be resovable as well.

It sounds horrible. The situation itself is sad and loveless, and your DH has a BIZARRE attitude problem. What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

I've re-read this thread a bit. I'll try and give a charitable interpretation of OP's husband's behavior. For one he doesn't seem to get any comfort out of physical touch outside of sex. Perhaps he just doesn't realize how much OP wants and enjoys this. He also, like many men, can enjoy sex for sex's sake without any emotional prelude, and doesn't seem to understand why OP doesn't find this enjoyable either. If this is just some kind of misunderstanding, and not just him being deliberately callous, perhaps they can come to an understanding.

Is he quite highly sexed OP? Is he up to something onli e that he'd rather be doing than sleeping next to you?

You can’t request no advice on your relationship but only this part - this part is your relationship and it’s quite telling how he feels towards you/your relationship!

He sees you as sex. That is all. You say you’re “working” on the relationship but you clearly aren’t, or shall I say he clearly isn’t, otherwise he’d be in your bed hugging you regardless of whether sex is on the cards

The fact he leaves if sex doesn’t happen tells you that he only wants you for sex. He is speaking loud and clear.

Listen to him! You deserve better.

Are you still in the spare room?

He knows what he's doing. He just doesn't care.

I would really struggle with that,
I would feel very used

My OH works away for 2 weeks at a time, when he first goes I struggle to sleep with out him by the time he is back it is a struggle to get used to sleeping with him in the bed but this doesn't mean I don't love him because I whole heartedly do it just takes time to readjust, so I may be unpopular in my response but relationships take work on both sides, now as you would like to sleep together again and i do not know if you have tried this and sorry if you have, maybe you could compromise and instead of waiting for him to enter your bed you go and join him in his bed, even if this means waiting until he is half asleep whilst to muster the courage, sometimes if we want to see change we need to make the first step x

He used it to train me to have sex with him even when I didn't actually want it. Basically, he's saying 'if you dont let me get my end away, I'm going to withdraw all affection and close contact

Yeah that's what I was thinking of. Conditioning.

Lots of covert narcissists do this thing where they are really unaffectionate and leave you feeling starved for affection too. And refusing to sleep next to you or even just sit for a while and cuddle n chat can be part of that. It's to make you feel lonely and unloved and not good enough.

I guess you have to consider the rest of the marriage and how he acts/makes you feel within it.