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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband had heart attack at age 43

28 replies

Bobbieferrari · 13/07/2019 03:44

My husband... yes you read the title that’s why youve clicked. After living a terrible lifestyle for all his life, he had a surprise heart attack in the middle of the night and had to be airlifted (we were on an island) out to a hospital with a Cath Lab to insert a stent into his heart.

Smoking 40 cigarettes a day, burgers, fries, crisps, you get the idea. He immediately went off the smokes after his HA (our little euphemism) which for me which was a tiny light after a hugely traumatic event. I had been after him to stop for years.

So cut to 10 months later, he confessed he has started having the odd cigarette for the past 2 weeks. Without warning the trauma comes back to me and I am now sobbing in the parking lot outside our local on a Friday evening while the kids are playing inside. He says he will stop if it upsets me so much, that’s it’s an odd cigarette every few weeks, no big deal. I know he won’t be able to keep this up at all, he will skip right back into his bad, life threatening habit.

I have now caught him a couple more times, and my reactions have arced from disgusted to sorrowful to bawling.

I caught him again this evening after the task of assembling our kids trampoline, not a Friday night after a few beers.

So my question is: what should I do? What would you do?

OP posts:

Verastsnhope · 13/07/2019 03:50

Talk. Sit down and tell him you won’t sit around and watch him killing himself. Maybe a reality check that his lifestyle choices are about to make him lose everything will stop him? Good luck either way. Sounds really scary for you to deal with

Tavannach · 13/07/2019 03:51

Take him to visit a graveyard and ask him if that's where he wants his kids to see him.
This must be so stressful for you.
I found it very hard to stop smoking and find a vape very helpful.

YerAWizardHarry · 13/07/2019 03:57

DPs uncle dropped dead of a heart attack a couple months ago leaving 4 kids behind aged 46.

If I were your husband I'd be doing everything in my power to not have my qife and kids go through that heartbreak and turmoil.

Smurfie12 · 13/07/2019 04:07

My husband died at 37 of a heart attack and he had never smoked and drunk very rarely, he left behind 2 children one of which was only weeks old. To say it was devastating would be an understatement.

Try and explain to him how scared you are for the future if anything were to happen to him and hopefully he will listen to your concerns.

Original poster

Bobbieferrari · 13/07/2019 04:20

We were very close to your outcome, sending love and light, thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bobbieferrari · 13/07/2019 04:21

What more of a reality check does one need than an HA! Thank you for commenting, it means so much

OP posts:

Original poster

Bobbieferrari · 13/07/2019 04:22

Thanks... sending positive vibes to all who’ve quit

OP posts:

Original poster

Bobbieferrari · 13/07/2019 04:22

This is my worst nightmare, why does he not think about this whilst puffing away?

OP posts:

Decormad38 · 13/07/2019 04:24

Can't he vape? There's a whole industry supplying alternatives to cigarettes now. Has that passed him by?

kazzer2867 · 13/07/2019 05:09

Hi Bobbieferrari. Lying in bed reading your post. Please talk to him before anything else happens. I saw this happen to very close relative. He had a stroke at 43. He was told to change his lifestyle and the stroke was a warning. He began to make changes, but then reverted back to smoking, drinking and a bad diet. Sorry to say, four years later he hd a heart attack and passed away. I watched him pass away in hospital. It was the worse day of my life. Seven years later it still feels like it happened yesterday.

No-one thinks it will happen to them at such a young age, but i've seen it happen. He can stop this now with help. He may be having the odd cigarette now, but it will end up with him back to smoking 40 a day and reverting back to his bad eating habits. Please talk to him. Please share my story if it helps.

Good luck and please let us know what happens.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/07/2019 05:47

I wouldn't stay with a man who clearly doesn't give a fuck about the well-being and security of his family, and I certainly wouldn't hang around only to become a caregiver for someone who has done all of this damage to his own body.

user87382294757 · 13/07/2019 06:58

I think you need to let him do it for himself- it is his choice. But it must be so hard, I feel for you

Scott72 · 13/07/2019 08:39

Smoking is a hell of a drug to quit. I don't think the advice to "LTB" is helpful if hes had a relapse. You really need to get him to talk about this.

user87382294757 · 13/07/2019 09:01

Maybe he could go to the GP as there are pills to help them quit- or try vaping or gum

glitterfarts · 13/07/2019 09:21

Make sure he has life insurance. Make sure he has a will, discuss what he wants at a funeral etc.
Tell him why: since he's started smoking again, it's a matter of time until he dies, and you want things sorted.
Not much else you can do.
Not much else you can do.

Hopoindown31 · 13/07/2019 09:29

Good luck with life insurance, his premiums will be astronomical.

WelshDad78 · 13/07/2019 13:44

Smoking is so hard to stop.
Definitely worth trying a good hypnotist - it 'worked' for me in that it got me to stop completely for 5 years and so smoking now feels unusual rather than the norm. I did relapse a little last year during xmas drinks, but a vape has given a much better alternative when I am tempted again.

LittleMissEngineer · 13/07/2019 13:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Teddybear45 · 13/07/2019 13:47

He’s so lucky. I know people who have dropped dead in their thirties with that kind of lifestyle. Suggest you give him an ultimatum and stick to it. You shouldn’t have to live with thisz

justilou1 · 13/07/2019 13:54

You poor thing... unfortunately, you can’t “make” another person do anything - including see reason. He knows what he’s doing, but he’s somehow able to justify it to himself because he likes it and he’s addicted. We all know that there no such thing as a harmless cigarette. Every single one does significant damage to many, many parts of your body.
Have you asked him why he wants to kill himself?

EKGEMS · 13/07/2019 14:54

Not only is he obviously high risk to his cardiopulmonary system but also lung cancer and peripheral vascular disease as well. If a person has heart disease they are at increased risk for stroke and impaired circulation in their feet and legs. I worked a vascular unit for almost two years and if a patient needed an amputation and currently smoked the surgeon would tell them to pre schedule their next amputation as the smoking was so bad for them.

ChocOrCheese · 13/07/2019 15:00

You can't make anyone do anything - and guilt-tripping him will just make him more secretive or sour your relationship. That's not to say that you should not tell him how you feel about his smoking - because you should - but beyond that he needs to deal with this himself, and you can help only if he lets you know what he would actually find helpful. It is possible that he has got nervous about facing his own mortality and that is why he has (stupidly) turned back to smoking. What about other things in his lifestyle? Is his diet still bad? Does he exercise more?

FuriousVexation · 13/07/2019 15:09

@Bobbieferrari
yes you read the title that’s why youve clicked

What did you hope to gain from this statement?

Original poster

Bobbieferrari · 13/07/2019 21:24

Hi all, thanks so much for your replies. His diet is much better, but I wouldn’t say excellent. His work has him walking but no more than pre-HA.

The worst part is when I have caught him smoking he has absolutely no remorse, tries to deny and act like I’m crazy. In fact he seems more pissed off than me about the whole situation. I mean I have cussed him out for the smoking but he still has no leg to stand on. We are currently in a “silent treatment” day. For me I am trying not to be an aggressor so I don’t give him reasons to be pretend mad so as to distract from problem at hand.

He also loves a good tit-for-tat, if I say he’s got to stop the smokes, he will compare my daily joint to his 40 a day cig habit. I mean let’s be real, we are all happier when Mom has her spliff to burn.

I joke. But for real I’m devastated going through all the feels: anger, sadness, terror, longing, anger again at his total selfishness, unloved, as how could he when he chooses them over us?

OP posts:

justilou1 · 14/07/2019 02:04

If he is sneaking cigs, (which are worse than any food, as you know) he will justify the food items.
How about hypnosis?

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