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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wants to separate but I dont

37 replies

user1471528523 · 12/07/2019 20:23

Been together 10 years, 2 DC 8&5
DH told me last weekend he wants to separate but I really don’t. I know things aren’t perfect but I don’t think any relationship is. No arguments, all fairly amicable and no reason to suspect anyone else involved.

I think it’s just normal relationship up and downs and the sort of thing you work out together. The last few years we’ve been through a redundancy, a longer than expected period of unemployment and a new job that I know he is finding very stressful.

I think our marriage and family are worth working on and I think I just feel so devastated that he doesn’t feel the same, he’s already looking at a rental locally.

Surely this is the sort of thing you absolutely fight for or am I being naive? I can’t believe he could walk away so easily and I’m struggling to cope with that.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 12/07/2019 20:25

Are you absolutely sure there's nobody else? I'm sorry but it is unusual in my experience for a man to suddenly want to separate when things are plodding along comfortably enough.

Littlefluffycloudos · 12/07/2019 20:29

Same happened to me 2 weeks ago. No one else involved. Just doesn’t love me anymore. It’s shit and I’m so angry....

user1471449295 · 12/07/2019 20:30

It’s only worth fighting for if you both feel the same. He doesn’t.

UFOLover · 12/07/2019 20:32

Has it ever been mentioned before? Are you sure he was happy enough?
I am somewhat in your H's position and my OH acted like it was completely out the blue. Reality is I've been saying I'm not happy for years. Could this be similar where you've not understood what he's tried to say?

lifebegins50 · 12/07/2019 20:33

If he isn't prepared to discuss it then there is little you can do.

He is being an idiot however as grass isn't greener. Has he told his family & friends of his plans?

What was his childhood like?

It must be a shock but don't beg as he is likely to have pess respect for you.
Is he secretive with his phone?

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 12/07/2019 20:34

OP it takes both people’s consent to be in a relationship. He doesn’t want to anymore. Ironically trying to ‘fight for it’ will only push him further away. Pull a 180. Google it.

AnyFucker · 12/07/2019 20:34

One person has the veto though, sorry

You can't force him to stay...how awful would that be ?

Let him go but make damn sure he fulfils his responsibilities as a father. And be prepared for a "new" relationship to emerge very soon.

stucknoue · 12/07/2019 20:36

Join the club - 20 years and he says it's over won't discuss trying to improve things

BlueberryFool123 · 12/07/2019 20:36

There’s nothing you can do OP. I have to say I would not be surprised if there turns to be someone else. My concern with a “separation” is that he wants to see how it goes with other person and then keep option to come back.

Get your financial stuff in order, lawyer up, look after yourself.

WinterSunglasses · 12/07/2019 20:43

He's very likely had his head turned OP. By which I mean not necessarily infidelity, but someone in his life who's given him ideas about not staying married. What reasons has he given for wanting to separate?

As Jemina says, look up the 180 as this will help you regardless of what the future holds. Talk to him about how you're going to split time 50/50 with the kids (even if the thought is awful to you) and about getting a solicitor and arranging assets fairly (not necessarily equally divided) so that you can get on with living an independent life. Make him think about the positive consequences of this for you, rather than acquiescing to a situation where he goes off free as a bird and you pick up all the shit. You can't stop him wanting to separate but that doesn't mean he gets it all his way.

Original poster
user1471528523 · 12/07/2019 21:06

Thank you for your responses, I think it was the brutal honestly I needed. I’m pretty sure there’s no one else but I don’t know in the circumstances if you can ever be 100% sure. His reasons were simply that he didn’t think it was working.

We’ve not told anyone yet, there’s a big family occasion next week that we don’t want to cast a shadow over.

Thanks again

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 12/07/2019 21:14

Nothing to add but agree with others. If he wants to leave there is nothing you can do to stop him. Doesn’t stop it hurting though.

31RueCambon · 12/07/2019 21:21

If you want his respect say ok and make sure he has the children every weekend. You may not relish freedom now but you will.
Dont let him separate from responsibility.

missyjudy · 12/07/2019 21:24

I wouldn’t let him have the kids every weekend! Every other weekend is fair and reasonable. I’d want non school fun times with my kids personally. You have one kid activity filled weekend and then when they’re with him, you go do things for you

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 12/07/2019 21:26

Its really tough OP :( But as others have said, sometimes you just know; it isn't working for one party for whatever reason.
Do you really still love him?? Or are you just kind of ticking along?

31RueCambon · 12/07/2019 21:26

If it's every other weekend then stretch the weekend out to be Thursday to Tuesday

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 12/07/2019 21:27

And folks, not all men are shit. There may not be anyone else and he may be fully intending to meet his parental reaponsibilites.
You would get very different responses if a woman posted this.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 12/07/2019 21:28

A MAN! duh.

AnyFucker · 12/07/2019 21:30

Is this the right thread to bleat "women are shit too ? " Hmm

PeoniesarePink · 12/07/2019 21:33

No one turns their life upside down without reason.

Whatever that reason is, he's hiding it from you - and as a rule of thumb on here, 99.99% of the time it's an OW.

But don't keep it a secret from your loved ones. You need the support - this whole situation is on him, not you Flowers

SinkGirl · 12/07/2019 21:35

You would get very different responses if a woman posted this.

A woman did post this. Do you mean if a man posted this?

And yes you would, because women typically don’t decide to leave their marriage and kids for seemingly no reason and move into a rented flat, do they?

cakeandchampagne · 12/07/2019 21:39

It takes two to make a marriage work.
It only takes one to destroy it.
Flowers
You need to get some legal advice.

winterisstillcoming · 12/07/2019 21:41

I think a separation is a good idea. If you still love him and want to work at it, leave a door open for him for a set period of time. Maybe he needs to get away for a while to reflect? I would give him six weeks then firmly close the door.

Some people's natural instinct when they are having a hard time of it is to run away. Modern family life is tough, and maybe he lackslacks resilience or emotional stamina, or maybe he has fallen out of love.

Livelovebehappy · 12/07/2019 21:44

That’s a big upheaval for someone; to uproot and live in a rental alone unless life with you really is unbearable. I suspect he has someone who he may be attracted to who he wants to pursue.

costacoffeecup · 12/07/2019 21:51

What's the expression? Cherchez la femme. I'm sorry OP. But sounds like he's already checked out. I've been at that stage in a relationship and once the mind is made up that's it really. There's usually someone else on the scene at that point in my experience.