DH wants to separate but I dont

[user1471528523]

Been together 10 years, 2 DC 8&5
DH told me last weekend he wants to separate but I really don’t. I know things aren’t perfect but I don’t think any relationship is. No arguments, all fairly amicable and no reason to suspect anyone else involved.

I think it’s just normal relationship up and downs and the sort of thing you work out together. The last few years we’ve been through a redundancy, a longer than expected period of unemployment and a new job that I know he is finding very stressful.

I think our marriage and family are worth working on and I think I just feel so devastated that he doesn’t feel the same, he’s already looking at a rental locally.

Surely this is the sort of thing you absolutely fight for or am I being naive? I can’t believe he could walk away so easily and I’m struggling to cope with that.

Sorry this has happened but just wanted to ask it the big thing your side or his? You may not suspect anything but it could be it’s happening at work or in his lunch hour you will be surprised how many people I’ve worked with who have cheated in work time and gone home as usual no raised suspicions both men & women by the way. I hope you can cope at this big thing but start getting legal advice now. Good luck.

@anyfucker but some women are shit.
All we know here is, bloke says, he's had enough. That really sucks for the OP but therenisnt much mileage in trying to apportion blame here. It won't help.

I think the obsession with finding out whether they are cheating is a moot point. It doesn't actually matter. If someone wants to leave, they want to leave.

Looking for an OW or OM only deflects from the issue.

OP, I feel for you. I separated this year. I can tell you that 7 months in, life has started to settle down. It is hard, but more because of the fear of the unknown. You still have to get up and 'chop the wood and fetch the water' and life just goes on. There have been tears but there has also been laughter.

He doesn’t need your consent to separate. However, don’t let him monopolise the driving seat. He’s been planning this and already has a head start and will use your devastation as cover to present things in his favour. You can simultaneously let him know you don’t want him to and start the ball rolling on; finances, contact etc.

Same happened to me 6 years ago. We had been married 16 years, together 23. We were 36, plodding along, not arguing, just busy with 2 children and both working full time. I came home one day and totally out of the blue he told me he wasn't happy and didnt know if he loved me 'enough' anymore. I was shocked and devastated, he swore there was noone else.

I had no choice but to accept it and we split up. Sure enough a few months later a new woman was on the scene. I'll never know for sure if she was the reason, but I'm pretty sure she was. He is still with her but is on dating sites and ringing other women as my 17 year old has sadly worked it out. All I can think is he must have been the same when I was with him......Anyway, 6 years on and life is good, it does get better and you might come to realise he's done you a favour in the long run. Sadly it's his prerogative to leave the relationship. I'm so sorry, and if you need to talk, talk on here, t helped me no end, plenty of us have unfortunately gone through this, but we've also come out the other side x

Hi user1471528523
Sorry to hear this. My H also leaving us after 21 years of marriage, 3 children, 25 years together. Initially he said love you but not in love , then no spark, now I don’t love you any more. This over the last 18 months.
I have fought for it. Counselling, negotiation, the lot. He did it all and is still walking. It’s been shit and degrading and humiliating at times but I now know I tried everything and he was mind made up from the start. He is not the man I married any more but equally I still love him and he is an amazing Dad.
We told the kids this week(17 17 and 12) as we are moving house to downsize which they know, but not that he isn’t coming with us. This has had an impact on his emotionless front finally but won’t change anything.
My point is though that for me, I needed to fight because I love him. I am now letting him go for the same reason.
Go with your gut OP and do what works for you, as others have said if there is OW it still won’t change his decision.
So sorry to hear of so many of us in this place. I’m 47 and now I want my life back so deep breath... 😘

What difference does it make if there's an OW or not? He's made his decision clear to OP. It's hard for her because she has no choice, no control, that feels so unfair.

But what difference does it make what his reasons are. He's still decided. His lack of thought for her, lack of respect, is still the same.

Thanks for your kind words and reassurance there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m switching between devastated, angry, embarrassed (and I don’t know why that is?) practical and full on mama bear protection mode.

I will stay with the children in our current house as my working hours already fit round current childcare arrangements and although the financial side does worry me, I deal with all the finances so at least I have a far better idea than he does of what we have where and pensions etc.

I'm sorry for what your going through you'll be feeling very hurt and angry, he want's out of the marriage there's nothing you can do, a friend of mine went shopping a few years back when she returned home her H had packed his bags and left they had 2 teenage children, it will be hard but you will get over it.

Sorry you are going through this! Same happened to me 3 months ago!

Yea sounds like someone else. Either way its a lack of passion.

Just to add people here always insist there is somebody else - and often there may be - but in my case there isn’t so it’s not always the way.