My lovely dad has died and now my ex is suggesting reconciliation!

[Isthisjustthegrieftalking]

Just that really. My lovely dad died very suddenly quite recently and the only person I really wanted for comfort was my ex. I remained strong and didn’t contact him, nor did I reply to his messages (which have been lovely and supportive).

I have been really struggling with my fathers passing and feel incredibly vulnerable so much I feel like I’d like to make another go of things. We have a young DC together and I feel that now more than ever it’s important that she has her family around her.

The relationship wasn’t without it’s problems and that’s probably putting it nicely but almost a year has passed and the thought of being a family again gives me hope for the future and lifts me from my depression having lost my dad.

I’m worried this is just the grief talking, that this might be a terrible idea and that I should hold off until I’ve processed my fathers death.

Has anyone had any experience with this kind of thing?

I agree with PPs that he has at least an inkling about some inheritance. Your dad wouldn't need to walk around in designer clothes sporting a Tesla for someone who knows you well to figure out that there's money in the family. People can tell in other ways, especially someone who was in a relationship with you.

I'm so sorry to say that because I know you are looking for comfort and it's a horrible way to think, but I really do think that he's aware of the money situation.

Also, he cheated on you. You were smart to leave. You're not thinking clearly because of the grief. What you're going through is very traumatic and it's natural to reach out to the last person who you felt safe with. That would be your ex - BEFORE he cheated on you and fucked it all up.

Stay away from him, at least for now. Join a grief support group. I know it sounds a bit cringe but they can honestly be so helpful, especially if you make a friend there who can offer support. Don't get into a relationship with anyone until you're starting to feel normal again.

Sorry for your loss

OP if it's any consolation, I did become me again, after a sort of crisis point.

It was quite weird - probably the whole "return to me" took about 10 days after crisis point.

I think that was about 6 months after. I must go to bed but all good wishes to you

Presumably he knew your dad's name? A Quick Google will reveal a hell of a lot from a name - directorships, LinkedIn profile, company accounts...

It's a terrible idea to make decisions right now. Especially when they concern emotions and people who have already fucked another woman whilst you were at home looking after your child.

Love, you casually saying "a few thriving businesses" says £££ to me. I don't think you realise because it's your norm.
But that's one element.

The other thing is, your ex isn't a safe harbour, he's treated you badly in the past and cheated on you. Cheats often do it again. And how much harder would it be to go through all that again and put your dc through it if you got back together?

Cuddle up with your dc and give yourself a ton of time to grieve.

You are far too vulnerable to make a decision about this and it is wrong of him to suggest it at this time. This alone would make me wonder why anybody would ask this of you when you are grieving.

The timing of your ex sniffing around is suspicious. He may know a lot more than you think. And you are far too vulnerable to be around someone that betrayed you and is a cheat. Please try to stay strong and maybe try to find comfort and solace in other ways. As someone said, maybe have some massages and other comforting treats. You won't really be able to relax or trust your ex. This could set you back and make you feel a lot worse.

So sorry for your loss OP - you must feel devastated.

I can understand you wanting to turn to someone for comfort who you know and have history with but he's an Ex for a good reason. How sure are you that you can trust him to be the person you need him to be?

In this awful time you are vulnerable and this is absolutely not the time to be making important decisions which will affect your life going forwards. Is there anyone else, close family, close friends that you can lean on for now? I know it's not the same..

Also I'm afraid I'm with other PP's. My first thought was "Inheritance". Your Ex doesn't need to know the size of it. These days property in some parts of the UK are so expensive he'd know there'd be a sizeable £amount just from your DF's home, without needing to know about a property portfolio. Information like this is just a click away on a computer keyboard these days.

Also, and particularly if he's met your DF, he may be aware of him being the sort of person who would have been sensible with savings and investment finances generally so there'd be funds there also. I'm sorry to be so cynical and very much hope I'm wrong - but would urge you to be careful generally whilst you are grieving and in such a vulnerable place.

Best wishes to you. 🌷

You're grieving and vulnerable. Your ex knows this is a difficult and heart breaking time for you, and he chooses now to push for a reconciliation? Does that sound loving to you? It's sounds selfish to me! Instead of support, he's trying to get you to make a huge decision that benefits HIM.

He may not know about the 'secret' properties (you seriously believe that no one knew and might have mentioned it to him?), but several thriving businesses sounds pretty good to a selfish golddigger!

Sorry for your loss op

Please be very careful, you are massively vulnerable at the moment, and although his messages and intentions may sound honourable, he shouldn't be putting any pressure on you at this time.

If he's using your grief to wheedle his way back in, he's not a good man (not to mention the cheating).

Of course you want to cuddle into the familiar, it's only natural at this time, just remember wolf in sheep's clothing. And don't for one minute think he's not clocked you're in for an inheritance of some description.

He can Google can't he? He is coming out of the woodwork for a very good reason OP. You need to give your head a wobble. Re read what you have written on here. Print it off and stick it to all the cupboard doors in your house. He is a terrible life partner.

I did this, OP.
I was strong, just like you. Didn't contact. Didn't respond to him when he reached out.
I was vulnerable and in pain and all I wanted was to have a sense of family to fill the hole of losing dad.

I went back. We reconciled. I was hurt again.
My dad was dead. My dad was my greatest ally. And with him out of the way, my ex didn't have to make an effort to even treat me decently once we were together again. He put on a huge effort to reunite and win me back. Once he had me and once we moved back in together, it was just so sad, so awful. He couldn't get over the woman who'd dumped him, the woman he'd cheated on me with (among others). She had dumped him. And I was the rebound. The irony.
I think he also hoped I'd roll up with deep pockets to sort out his financial mess. And I think once he realised that I wasn't rocking up with an inheritance, 'his interest waned' would be an understatement.

There are other cuddly chests out there, OP. I wish I could tell you to move on. It's very hard to move on when we are grieving. And grief pulls us backward, in all sorts of directions, and towards people we shouldn't seek solace from. You need and deserve a man with integrity, respect for you and your daughters, someone reliable.
They're all seemingly reliable and filled with good intentions when they have an inkling a windfall is coming their your way. Be careful.
If you reconcile, I guarantee that within two weeks, you'll remember everything that hurt and it will piss you off tenfold. I took my then little boy (he's 17 now but was 3 back then) and packed my bags after one month of our 'reconciliation' and moved out. I never looked back. Not once did I miss my ex after that. I almost needed the reconciliation to serve as my 'bitch slap'. And it sure did.
Make a list of all of his good points. And then really hone in on his bad points and remember what his actions did to you and how they impacted you AND your DCs. You need to go back there in your mind and revisit that dark time. It will help you avoid grief's pitfall of hurling you into the arms of people you shouldn't trust.
People who bring the wrecking ball of infidelity into their family lives are careless people. Careless people never learn to care. It's the 'me' show, always. They may never cheat again, but that doesn't make them less careless. Careless people hurt others because that is what they are hard-wired to do. Your ex wants to reunite with you because he's looking after his own needs more than he cares about yours. Do you want that pain all over again?
I am terribly sorry for your enormous loss. What did your dad think of your ex and what he did to you? What would he tell you now? I ask this because I am sure that your dad, like mine, was always on your side and in your corner.

A very eloquent and excellent post @TheVanguardSix.

OP I hope you can heed the advice although I understand your pain.

THIS from @Thingsdogetbetter You're grieving and vulnerable. Your ex knows this is a difficult and heart breaking time for you, and he chooses now to push for a reconciliation? Does that sound loving to you? It's sounds selfish to me! Instead of support, he's trying to get you to make a huge decision that benefits HIM.

A dick move on his part, trying to capitalise on your grief. Remember he's an ex for a very good reason.

When my beloved dad died, Oh God I grieved, I thought I would die from the pain.
I had my kids & P around me, but the pain was in my heart. It was a totally personal pain & it was not reparable by people around me.
I remember fat hot tears running down my face as I washed up in a room full of people who cared.... It may be that a hug from X does not fix it. You can always allow him back into your life but on your terms. He can go back to his flat after spending time with you, he doesn't have to move in, & tell him you won't be marrying him ever ! see how he reacts.

When my DDad died my siblings were a great source of emotional support at the time - we supported each other. It’s a time for family to stick together, maybe you should turn to your siblings at this time of vulnerability rather than your ex.

I would be wary of his motives to be honest.

Like cuddling into a bear's chest, so comfy, soft and warm then scratch bite claw rip blerg. sorry, this made me laugh.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP but I agree with most PP’s. He has crawled out of the woodwork for a good reason, he may know about the inheritance or he may just be a slimy bastard. He cheated and completely betrayed your trust, you deserve better.

my siblings and I stand to inherit 7 figures each but he doesn’t actually know that

He may not know the exact details, but given the time you were together I'd be amazed if he hadn't got the general gist … and now he hopes to take advantage of your vulnerability for the sake of the money

Hardly a man worth bothering with, and that's without his previous cheating ...

As soon as I read the title of your post, my immediate thought was, 'how much are you inheriting?'. I am sorry to be cynical but it would be silly not to wonder if this plays a part, as unfortunately lots of people are motivated by greed.

As a more general response, I'm very sorry to hear about you losing your dad. Losing mine was by far the hardest part of my life, and really changed the way I look at life now.

Most advice I read at the time said not to make any major life decisions in the first year as you will be making them out of grief. I think this is true. I don't think I'd really evened out again until at least 1.5 years later. I certainly couldn't have forged a healthy relationship in that period.

Sorry if this advice sounds a bit trite. But we all have these big empty spaces in us created by loss, and we do have to be very careful how we feel those spaces. It's so much better for you to wait until you can cope with those difficult feelings of loss, and live with them. That's when you can make healthy choices for yourself.

He wants your dad’s money and thinks you’re vulnerable enough to give it to him. Tell your ex to fuck off.

*be careful how we fill those spaces

I’m worried this is just the grief talking, that this might be a terrible idea and that I should hold off until I’ve processed my fathers death
It's completely natural to want to reach out to others for comfort - especially at a time like this.
Your grief, i feel, is clouding your judgement where the ex is concerned.

In my experience, and opinion, he's a fucking snake.
He showed you how much he valued you when he cheated on you - NEVER FORGET THAT!
He's chosen this opportunity to try and worm his way back in with you, knowing that you are VULNERABLE right now.
I don't have savings but i'd bet my last penny that he is after money.
Just because your dad didn't make it obvious that he had wealth doesn't mean that your ex doesn't know about it.

You're not a toy he can play with when it suits him.
Keep him at arms length and seek your comfort elsewhere.
Alternatively, tell him your dad left all his money to charity (the rest of your family would need to play along with this) and see how genuine his protestations of love are.

You are at your lowest ebb and the most vulnerable to your ex partners manipulation so please don't fall for his faux sympathy. If he had loved you in the way you deserve he would never have cheated and broken your family. I am sure your dad would want you to value yourself above and beyond your ex, he's an ex for a reason and he doesn't get to get you back. He cheated, he ruined what you had and I wish you the strength to move on.

Thanks for the replies and well wishes. I know I’m in a vulnerable state and I know that whatever I do going forward I need to heed caution. I really hadn’t even thought of the inheritance (I know that’s incredibly naive but I’m just not thinking straight).

For those that have gone through the same thing I am so sorry, it’s incredibly difficult, I feel so hopeless some days. I miss my dad so much and it makes me want my ex all the more. It’s tough.

I think I need to give myself time. He’s not pushing me into anything just asking me to be open to the possibility of reconciliation.

He’s not pushing me into anything just asking me to be open to the possibility of reconciliation.

This looks v selfish to me. Has his OW dumped him? Was the grass not greener?

Why is his first thoughts not just for you - to comfort you in your grief? That is simple and kind. A reconciliation is all about him and his needs right now......really in appropriate - sleazy even?

You say that you miss you Dad so much that it makes you want your ex even more......maybe not - you probably want your Dad......honour your grief for your Dad - the depth of your pain is the depth of your love for your Dad.

Keep the cheater at bay.....