Why do we have this terror of being alone?

[Kumali]

I read it on here again and again. "He's a cheating lying cocklodger but I'm terrified of him leaving" and put up with crap just to have something or someone.
I'm one of them. I've not managed to get to the root of why I'm like this, despite counselling, freedom programme, self help etc. The thought of being left alone literally fills me with panic. Nobody to love me. Nobody to text me. I'm on meds to control it.. They don't work. And yet.. I've been through the hardest of times, am attractive ( so they say) solvent.. and yet pathetic.
Any word of wisdom?

I love being on my own. I can never see myself in a relationship ever again and I am TRULY ok with that.

My DM put up with SO much shit when married to my DF because "being alone" was not an option. She is psychologically damaged by this (still in her 60's) and as am I if I'm honest.

My friends "put up" with so much utter bollox from their DP's and DH's because what would they do without them? Errr live a healthy and stress free life

I don't get it either OP my friends are quite happy to tolerate the behaviour from their partners because they would rather that than be single.

Bizarre

It's attachment behaviour and it stems from early childhood.
Those with secure attachment styles can be comfortable and secure in a relationship but equally secure when single or when their partner goes away etc.
Anxious/preoccupied types seek proximity and feel despairing when alone or abandoned.
Avoidant types seek emotional isolation and find proximity to be anxiety provoking.
People vary in intensity and depth of response of course. I'm avoidant but it's manageable. I can have relationships but on my terms. I have close friendships and love being with my child. Highly avoidant people create similar patterns in their children. Similarly to highly anxious/preoccupied which it sounds like your mother may have been?

I feel the same, I'm divorced. Most of the time I'm ok but there is literally no back up. Nobody to help or co pay for things, no hugs or cuddles, you are personally responsible for everything.
It's much harder not having a good partner to rely on. It's even harder having a terrible partner who fucks it all up and makes you miserable.

I have been on both sides. I’ve had a dreadful partner (DC father) and last year split with a very unsuitable partner. I could have stayed in both relationships, but my mental health (doesn’t bear thinking about) would have been severely compromised.

Do I like being single? Honestly? no I don’t, and though I understand why people stay in unhappy relationships, personally singledom is better than that for me. I just need to find a decent social life and support network, and I’ll be ok.

I've been single for nearly 4 months & beginning to really enjoy it. I would like to have a relationship again at some point, but I need to remove the nutter magnet from my forehead first
The great thing about being single is how productive you can be without anyone questioning your decisions.
For me the only downside is the cuddles & closeness to a man who actually cares for you. I've bought a cat instead

TheStuffedPenguin, I get that we are not physically alone with kids in the house but that's about all I agree with.

You can't burden your kids with the adult stuff, health worries, money worries, shit with your EXH worries.

Ooooo! @CodenameVillanelle avoidant is ME! And explains a lot

I cannot have a relationship. It's impossible for me.

I have a DC (did this alone) for me I feel complete.

The thought of making myself vulnerable in a relationship is the highest anxiety I could EVER have.

@soberken do some reading around attachment types. It's enlightening!
This isn't junk psychology either - it's the underpinning evidence base which social work and many areas of psychology are based.

I totally agree with you @CodenameVillanelle it explains my absolute impossibility of having a relationship. My mother was totally absent (alcoholic) sober now but still very "absent" can't even put her arm around me.

I've weirdly "managed" it by sheer avoidance.

That's a very common pattern. Personally, I'm so pleased I only have one child (after assuming I'd have several) because I can manage the demands of that relationship perfectly well, but anything more than that might not have been adequate.

I agree! All the people on here saying how fab it is being alone with their children really have no concept of what alone is!!

Because we want to matter, to belong. Because we have love to give. Because we need to relate. Because we can’t morally compass ourselves alone, when we’re alone we sink into the depths of our minds and use delusions as rafts.

I think.

I love being single. I have been single for 5 years.

Obviously having a 6yo DS means I'm not completely alone but I've no desire for a partner at all.

box You can't burden your kids with the adult stuff, health worries, money worries, shit with your EXH worries.

I wasn't suggesting for a minute that you would - but the sheer fact of there being other people in the house needing laundry done or needing fed occupies you and fills those empty silences.

I’m alone and have 4 kids. I get that someone said if you have children youre not technically alone but since having children this is the loneliest I’ve ever been.

needing laundry done or needing fed

Well, I can think of much better things to fill my empty silences with!

Well I have concluded I am shit at picking partners so I won't be doing it again. My two LTRs were total takers, the relationships were all about them and what I could provide for them and never about me. ExH threw abuse into the equation too.

I have been divorced 6 years now and its the happiest I have ever been. I have consciously built up my friendship networks so I am never short of someone to go out with and the rest of the time I am perfectly happy with DC, cats and dogs. I love the freedom of being able to make my own decisions without anyone moaning and criticising.

Now my DC are late teens, if I want to go away for the weekend I book the dogs into kennels and just go. Love it!

I do think its essential to be comfortable in your own company. You can't value yourself by what you see reflected back from someone else.

TeafortheWin is right.

Co-dependency. And inexperience in some cases.

Those were the two main reasons for me staying with someone 7 years longer than I should have.

I never knew any better (inexperience). I didnt think I could find someone better (co-dependency). I was terrified about my errors in judgement. Before my ex I was in a rather disturbing relationship.

I find it hard to acknowledge out loud all the reasons why but I do deal with it in head.

When I met my ex... and because of all that prior stuff I'd been through, I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. I didn't know any better.

It was only over time, after he'd suppressed my hobbies and passions, coerced me into sex and made me feel like utter shit, that I realised that this was not normal either. I was a shell of who I once was with this man and he liked that.

It was incredibly liberating to finally break up with him. But the years before, I had wanted to, I just lacked the courage. Because I didn't want to be alone and because I didn't want to get into a relationship with someone worse.

I'm happier within myself now. Made peace with certain issues. Because of this, I don't fear being on my own anymore. I'm with my OH and DS now but the prospect of being on my own (whatever the circumstances) no longer terrifies me.

I have been on my own 95% of my life (mid-40s now)

And following the very painful, out of the blue ending of what I thought was The Big One, I'm right back at square one in terms of rock bottom self-belief again.

I just live life assuming I'll stay single now, as I am so ordinary and so average there's nothing to make me stand out

I mean, I feel like a total failure when I look round and see everyone - even the most despicable people - manage to live normal healthy lives with their partners.

But being single so long basically forces you to get on with things. There's no other choice really. I regret and miss the fact I couldn't / didn't meet someone much earlier in life, and I am (in a nice way) jealous of those who have been in love for years.

But I do also find it very weird, almost suspicious, when people hop from partner to partner and can't live by themselves; or choose to stay in a situation that is horrendous.

I can't believe no-one has mentioned support networks yet. I am in quite an unhappy relationship but I have a shit family. My ds is grown up. And all my friends are coupled up. So that leaves me with most weekends alone. And as another poster said, I really enjoy my own company, but not all the time. Thats a scary prospect. Meanwhile I have a friend who was single for quite a while and can't understand why people feel like this when she has 5 sister's, all very close, and she was never alone at weekends etc

And I worry about health issues too because what do you actually do if something awful happens and you have no support network?

Yeah but I think you can form other support networks without having a partner. I think friendships can be hard to form to be fair but things like volunteering in your spare time or taking a wee college course or going to meetup groups that are based on shared hobbies ect and you can easily build up a support network.

I'd rather be alone, weekends and all than in an unhappy relationship. And if something awful happens, you just get on with it, chances are a rubbish partner wont be much use then anyway. Might even be more of a hindrance.

And witchofzog, im sure if you have a son and friends then they would rally round if something bad happened. And if you were single you would probably make an effort to go out and do things and meet people so there's nothing to say you would be alone every weekend anyway. Don't sell yourself short staying with someone you are unhappy with!

@TeaForTheWin thank you