Why do we have this terror of being alone?

[Kumali]

I read it on here again and again. "He's a cheating lying cocklodger but I'm terrified of him leaving" and put up with crap just to have something or someone.
I'm one of them. I've not managed to get to the root of why I'm like this, despite counselling, freedom programme, self help etc. The thought of being left alone literally fills me with panic. Nobody to love me. Nobody to text me. I'm on meds to control it.. They don't work. And yet.. I've been through the hardest of times, am attractive ( so they say) solvent.. and yet pathetic.
Any word of wisdom?

Do you not feel it's more to do with belonging?
I split with my Ex for good reason, infedelity, but I felt absolutely the worst loneliness I've ever felt, just destraugt, I can remember that feeling now six years and a happy marriage later, if you have abandoment issues as I did leaving a relationship is almost impossible, but it is possible by counseling, x

Sometimes I think it's because most people start to get into relationships in their teens. Only later does their brain mature to an adult and so by the time they are even older (eg 30s) they have been in one relationship or another almost all their adult life.

They just don't have any adult experience being alone. So they fear it.

I suspect for many people their relationship has, in some way, defined them or formed part of their self image. So a loss of relationship somehow changes who they are or how they see themselves. They don't know or recognise themselves single.

I was like that until a few years ago. I've been single since and cannot imagine ever wanting a relationship again. My past relationships were not bad and I have many happy memories but I have been far happier and comfortable alone than I ever was in them.

Being alone is something you can adapt to - it doesn’t kill you.
I’ve been widowed for 27 years, raised the kids alone, and then the kids moved out for uni and jobs, so it’s just been me and the cat for the last 12 years.
I’ve survived it, and so do other people. You don’t need to fear it.

It was said up thread that you need love, I agree. It was also said you need to belong, this is also true.

You can be single, but have friends and/or family around you giving you the ‘warmth’ you need. This is paramount to good emotional well-being.

I myself have lost my mum (7 years) my sister (2 years) and finished a long term relationship in the last year. All these relationships were beyond superficial, they contained love and belonging. I am having a very hard time ‘belonging’ anywhere now. I am incredibly lonely and, dare I say it, angry at the world.

Yes you can be single and happy, if you have the fundamentals.

I hope people realise that being alone is preferable to being in a bad relationship.

So many people think to justify their lives they have to have a partner, it does not seem to matter if that is a good or bad partner as long as someone is there.
Having been a single parent most of my adult life I thought I was alone. The DC were not there to support me. I had parents and other relatives too. The older people have died out as have others around my life. The DC have grown up.

This is really alone but as the DC were not exactly the most pleasant of people after the took up with various partners and took on personas which are more suited to their partners.
I would rather be alone than put up with the way the AC are. What they have done is actually criminal but I have not reported anything so that the DGC are fed etc.

Have you ever been forced to experience it? I was exactly this way until I was alone (with my child), and it's fucking brilliant! Don't think I'll ever live with a man again.

I find the actual breaking up/away from someone hideous - stressful, upsetting etc.

Then I’m fine within days! I’ve been single for 14 years, just a few short relationships and a couple of about a year. Can’t imagine ever living with someone.

I agree. I've read two threads on here today, men treating women like utter shite and the women allowing it

They could just leave!?

Why don't they?

The sad truth is that sometimes it's easier and makes us happier to be with someone shite rather than alone.

I'm not saying it's logical. But it's the way us humans are. Why else do we overeat, smoke, laze instead of exercising etc. Because it's easier.

Despite what we might wish we felt, in some ways it does suck to be alone. Yeah you can have friends and family but some people don't have that. Read some of the "I have no friends" threads on here to see that it's not always through lack of trying. Some people don't like living alone.

Other people also can’t stand it when you are alone. They simply can’t understand how you can be happy that way.

I’ve been single for the last decade since I had Dd at 23, I own my own flat outright after receiving some inheritance, finance everything Dd and I need, cars, holidays, extra curricular etc so neither of us are going without anything. Dd has a great relationship with her dad. I’m really happy living alone on my own terms just Dd and our cat, the cat does help a bit with being alone once Dd is in bed. I work, run Dd to various clubs and do an OU degree so my time is pretty much used up and when I have any spare I’d rather use it to flake out with a book or box set than go on a date.

Yet, I am often told it is just because I haven’t met the right men, interrogated as to why I’m not dating etc. I went on a work meal recently and two colleagues I don’t really know spent 30minutes grilling me on relationships and telling me I was missing out. They spent the rest of the time moaning about their partners.

I had a dysfunctional upbringing. It could have been worse, but I have ptsd and it was unnoticed until my early twenties, by that time it had done damage and my personality has been affected.

I don't often want to be alone, but the kind of people I want to be around the most are people I can have a very particular kind of relationship/ friendship with. And in the absence of that, it's better I'm on my own. But I feel lonely pretty much all the time when my partner isn't home. And sometimes when he is, too, because I don't necessarily get the kind of attention and affection I crave.

Craving this particular thing has led me in the past to put up with all kinds of awful shit in relationships and also with friendships. It doesn't help that as PPs have mentioned, we are conditioned to think we are meant to be coupled up, and also my mother demonstrated to me through my childhood that you just put up with being treated like shit. It was normalised. Means I've been involved with several of the wrong kind of partner.

I learnt not long ago that I can do without sex for the most part, and that I could be very happy cohabiting with a close friend who was happy snuggling and being affectionate but not in a sexual way. I'm very very close to an asexual guy who I can be like this with, and I know he would be the perfect housemate long-term, if I was single.

I don't really know what to say, I have no wisdom on this. I just understand how you feel.

No pun intended but you're not alone in this fear. I've known many people who don't want to be on their own, men and women. On the whole, men feel it worse. I don't think I'm like that, I enjoy my own company, but for me it is all hypothetical because I've been married for donkey's years.

I suppose it's a natural instinct to seek out a mate and have company but that doesn't mean settling for second or third, best, putting up with all sorts.

Op, you're not pathetic by any mean, you're well educated and attractive. If your partner did go, you'd find someone else and before that, you'd be going out with people and having some fun.

Other people also can’t stand it when you are alone. They simply can’t understand how you can be happy that way.

Yes to this, I am experiencing this right now.

I am newly divorced and (mostly) looking forward to my new existence. I have had to be really firm with a couple of friends who want to set me up with men.

I think it can feel a bit lonely at times, but then I was often lonely in my marriage.

I do find my current financial situation slightly daunting alone but that is something I can fix by downsizing if I need to.

OP, you should read Happy Ever After by Paul Dolan. It takes all the things that society deems should make us happy - marriage, children, wealth, etc - and he examines each against numerous studies that actually prove the opposite is true. Widowed and single people were found to be happiest.

He talks about the "social narrative" of being brought up on watching Disney films where the Prince comes along to rescue the passive princess and they live happily ever after. And the societal pressure that being in a relationship, any relationship, is more acceptable than being alone. It's the 'poor you' attitude that other people give to single people - never mind the 'poor you' if you're in a terrible relationship!

I'll just qualify my post above - men are generally happier in marriages, but women are generally worse off:

The health effects of marriage are greater for men than for women. Men ‘calm down’ a lot when they marry and stop taking so many risks with their health. Insofar as this is good for them, they therefore benefit from marriage. In contrast, there really do not appear to be any health-related reasons to marry if you are a woman. The risks of many physical and mental health conditions are higher among middle-aged married women than they are among their single counterparts. Moreover, if the marriage isn’t going well, research has found that this negatively impacts women more than it does men, suggesting that if we think about marriage as a gamble men can expect to have more to gain and less to lose from saying ‘I do'.

And just a couple more interesting points from that author:

We really cannot overestimate the impact of narrative surrounding the magic of marriage, and the marital bed. It starts with young girls hearing about handsome princes saving (largely passive) princesses. Presently, four out of five divorces in the US are filed by women, according to the National Center for Health Statistics:28 the narrative may nudge them into marriage but, once there, they eventually realize the raw deal they are getting and want to get out. In contrast, the same gendered pattern does not hold for cohabitation, where both men and women are equally likely to end a relationship.29 This suggests that there’s something special about the (historically subordinating) institution of marriage that women want to escape from more than men. Interestingly, it appears that women are less likely to experience the worst of the negative impacts of divorce, e.g. men are ten times more likely to commit suicide following the dissolution of marriage than women.30 The greater ability of women to cope following divorce is thought to be because they generally have better support networks than men, and are also more willing to ask for help. It probably also has something to do with the fact that in most cases the divorce was their decision in the first place. We know from the psychological literature on resilience that feeling as if we have more control over a negative event can help us to cope better.

It will not be time wasted if we reappraise how we see single people relative to married ones. Single people are more likely to foster social connections that bring them fulfilment, whereas married people often find themselves with less consciously chosen social networks, such as a spouse’s family members.41 Single people are also more likely to participate in social events and to volunteer.42 By contrast, married and cohabiting individuals tend to become more socially isolated, even without the excuse of children. The longitudinal nature of these data suggests this relationship is causal, with those entering marriage more likely to lose existing connections than those who do not marry. Similar results are also highlighted in Bella DePaulo’s recent review of 815 studies investigating singledom, which revealed that singles are more socially connected than their married counterparts who appear to have become more insular.

Time will help you, op. You will be fine on your own, I think 6 months, a year, down the line - you absolutely won't feel the same as you do now.

My DS has broken up with his gf. He just can't let go, she keeps texting him. I wish her no ill, but I wish she'd just leave him be. All this "lets be friends" stuff is bollocks, a clean break is needed.

Good luck 💐

I don't think there's anything wrong with you if you don't like being alone. We evolved as social animals. Until relatively recently ( before the welfare state) being alone made you very vulnerable in the event of illness or injury.

For thousands of years humans relied on living in close groups with strong family ties to survive. As a small, physically weak animal this was vital to survival and a lone human wouldn't last very long. It makes sense that our brains seek the support of others.

We can adapt to it and maybe learn to enjoy it, but it isn't a natural state for most people. However, the modern trend for a romantic relationship to fulfil all ones social needs can be isolating. Other relationships are also important.

Usually it’s what you’ve been taught as a child, what you’ve seen you parents do. These early life lessons stick. Children learn what they see everyday and behaviours get passed on.

I had the opposite to you. My mum was always fairly scathing about romantic love, she and my dad are a partnership and they work well together, and I never grew up with the idea that I ‘had’ to have a partner. So I’ve no fear of being alone (in fact sometimes, when overwhelmed with the demands of children and DH I think it might be quite nice!).

Therapy? With a specific aim of unpicking and relearning sone of your beliefs about relationships.

I think it’s a mixture of social expectations and lack of self esteem.

I have a divorced friend who (in my opinion) has everything - bright, happy kids at prestigious universities/fabulous mortgage free house/loads of friends/6-7 holidays a year/close family relationships/interesting, well paid career yet she is desperate to meet a man. I think she genuinely misses the ‘couples’ lifestyle of dinner parties etc & maybe the fact that her ex has moved on & has a new relationship has something to do with it. But I feel sad for her as the desperation really shows & is almost embarrassing, like a teenager who just has to have a boyfriend (she is late 50s).

@missbattenburg that’s the case for me. I’d been with my husband since I was 20 so never alone as an adult. We’ve just split up (his choice) and the panic about being alone is real. I’ve just never been alone it’s always been us

I'm sorry to hear that fluffy. It can be really daunting at first but you really cannot tell how single you will be until you (are forced to) try it.

So many people, myself included, really love the freedom that it brings. Fingers crossed you do too.

I think its basic human psychology. Being totally on your own was risky historically - we are social animals and couldn't survive alone. So we have evolved an attachment system to try to make sure we dont get left alone and its tuned higher in some people than others.
I'm reading a very interesting book about it called " Attached" by Amir Levine

@missbattenburg thanks for the positive words, I hope I get there too!

What some of you with your DCs at home don't get is that you are NOT alone ! You have other people in your home. When you are the only person with no one to talk to last thing at night and first thing in the morning and all weekend THEN you are alone. Of course you can go out and speak to shop assistants and the like and go to Meet Up and catch up with friends ( I'm not an idiot) but for some people that is just not enough and I was one of those. I am not saying these are reasons to stay with a crappy man ( better to find a new one) but I get where some people come from.It also gets worse the older you get . When you are young you do not think about ill health etc but as you age you certainly do . Believe me it is shit when you have a niggle and no one to say anything to. Alternatively you see these women who just become an unpaid nanny to their grandchildren and have nothing worthwhile to say about THEIR life. So back to the OP yes I understand it and have been there . It is the feeling that no one really cares for you . Guess I am conditioned by those Disney films