Not sure how to feel about this incident!

[Sharkirasharkira]

Had a date with a fwb the other day and one thing led to another.

During dtd he put his hand around my neck and started to choke me - I DON'T do choking as I've had an ex beat and choke me in a non sexual context before and it completely makes me freak out, I start to fight back and panic so I always tell potential sexual partners this.

I'm sure I told fwb this before but the last time we saw each other was several months ago so I guess he had forgotten but it completely freaked me out and I couldn't tell him to stop because I couldn't breathe or speak. Fortunately it was right before he 'finished' so it only lasted maybe 5-10 seconds and I was fine about it afterwards once it had all stopped. I don't blame him, I honestly don't think he knew it would upset/affect me.

Since then I've had terrible nightmares and flashbacks about being raped, attacked and beaten. Woke up drenched in sweat and having a panic attacks, heart pounding and couldn't breathe - that feeling of being unable to breathe freaked me out even more, leading to more panic and so on and so forth. Had another panic attack at work today and almost passed out, I was shaking like mad, went dizzy and my legs almost went out under me.

Feeling really ridiculous and like this is a massive overreaction on my part, also feel guilty because if I hadn't slept with this guy it wouldn't have happened. Not sure what to do now, I feel traumatised and so stupid!

This isn't ok unless you specifically request it! What was he thinking . Is this considered normal sexual practice these days ?
I wouldn't be sleeping with him again that's for sure.
Hope you feel better soon

Honestly I really don't think it is ok for anyone to put their hands around someones neck whether in bed or out of it unless express consent has been obtained beforehand. Why does the fact that you were having sex make it ok for him to do this to you when you would find it 100% wrong if he had done this to you while you were having dinner or watching a movie.

I am not surprised you are feeling so shook up after it because you had not control over the situation and you were scared and have had past experiences where there was intent to harm.

Nobody has the right to put their hands around your neck unless you explicitly ask for it during sex.

You are not to blame for this he is and you have nothing to feel guilty about he took advantage of the situation and used you for his own sexual gratification. I am sorry that this happened to you and sorry that you are feeling like this. I don't know what advice I can give you but am sure there will be plenty along who can give you some good advice.

First of all forgive yourself. You have been violated and terrified in the past, how could you over react to that?

I worked with a good therapist for trauma, it really really helped.
Also do an online test for PTSD( I had no idea I had it), and if you do, there are some really specific effective treatments.

X

I've heard that it is something I lot of people are into these days but it's not for me!

You are not over reacting. Being choked is traumatic regardless of context or a history of abuse. Consenting to sleeping with someone is not consenting to any and every kink they happen to be in to. I would not see him again. And I would give myself permission to be fucking angry. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Panic attacks are so awful. Have you considered therapy. It has helped me a lot.

I'm pretty sure I do have some form of PTSD, I have been raped in the past too (by a different guy who beat me) - haven't had a flashback in a long time and the guy who beat me was over 15yrs ago. Can't believe I can still have such a strong reaction to something that happened so long ago!

Think it didn't help that I was in the same position as when it happened to me before (him behind me) so that made it even worse. I keep replaying it in my head. It's so stupid because apart from that I really enjoyed the sex! But that just ruined everything

Can't believe I can still have such a strong reaction to something that happened so long ago!
Of course you did.
You've been through trauma before and this triggered it.
Have you had therapy or counselling for you previous abuse?
Have you told him how you felt about it?
Will you see him again?
If so then you need to make it clear and do not let him overstep your boundaries again! EVER!

Is this considered normal sexual practice these days ?

No, it most certainly is not.

This is not something you 'just do' to a woman and see how they'll react.

My lovely, you are not overreacting. It is not ok. You are worth more than this. Time to kick the FWB to the kerb.

This has never happened to me in a violent context (or any other) and I would be fucking livid if anyone did it to me. What I'm trying to say is that you're feeling like this because what he did was wrong, completely out of order so of course it will bring up past trauma. You have nothing to feel guilty about here, whether you told/reminded him or not choking isn't something you do without express consent and he was utterly wrong to do it.

You need to talk to someone OP, Rape Crisis would probably be a good start. Please don't try to cope with this alone though, it's obviously had a massive impact on you and trying to pretend you're ok isn't an option here. We're here too if it helps, do you have support in real life?

Oh my god, that's horrific. Why would you think you're over reacting? It sounds terrifying. Please, never see him again.

Is this what some men do nowadays? Fucking hideous.

The porn industry has a lot to answer for if this is now current sexual practise

Yep it's from porn. A lot of younger women especially find that this is expected behaviour.

It's not acceptable unless you specifically want it and have asked for it (more to unpack there as to why but that's not the point).

This man massively overstepped the mark and from a vulnerable position where he had no chance of telling what your reaction was.

Don't sleep with him again, do tell him why.

I'm so fucking angry reading this. I'm early 30s and have given up on men for the foreseeable as, yes, this is now the norm. How did we get to a place where men are throttling us to the point of not being able to breathe or stop it and then not blame them afterwards?! Rhetorical question as I know the answer. I hate that violence is an acceptable standard for sex now, not women's pleasure.

Bloody hell, so women have got to say to a guy “hi there, please could you not try to strangle or choke me during sex if that’s okay dear? Sorry for the inconvenience” before having sex these days.

I’d be seriously concerned about a guy who got off on doing this. Kick him to the kerb and tell him why. Tell him he needs to get consent for anything sexual and preferably ditch the dodgy porn habit.

Jesus Christ - this is considered NORMAL in sex these days?

That is so fucked up.

@flapjackfairy Unfortunately, I think it has become a somewhat normalised sexual practice recently, lots of jokes and memes doing the rounds with “choke me daddy” type vibes.

You are not overreacting
Choking isn't something someone should ever do to you without very explicit consent
You have been assaulted, so of course it has brought back terrible memories
If therapy feels too hard, maybe try an anonymous charity helpline?

In your first post OP you seem to be placing a lot of the blame on yourself that this happened but it was NOT your fault! For any sexual activity that is non-standard - whether it be anal sex, choking, handcuffing etc - you discuss it with your partner beforehand to see if they are agreeable to it. As a PP said, you wouldn't be ok with a partner choking you during a meal or while watching TV, so why should it be ok during sex if you haven't said you're happy for it to happen. If you haven't already done so I'd suggest you seek some form of counselling for your past traumas as it sounds as though you never had the correct support to deal with them.

A doctor on the TV said it can take less than 10 seconds to kill someone this way. You told him your fears and he still did it. Can't believe someone would do this anyway. This is the biggest red flag I've ever read. Do not see him again.

OF COURSE this is not OK. And he damn well knows that, and gets off on doing it anyway.

To consent to this, you HAVE to discuss it beforehand, and have a 'safe sign' so that the person will stop if you want them to. It's not something you spring on someone.

He is not a safe human being to be around; ditch him and tell him he is lucky you aren't informing the Police.

Do not see him again please.

Perfectly reasonable response.

But it's obviously something he's been getting into recently with other partners, so it would be a good time to call it a day with him. FWB are all very well until you realise you can't actually trust them in the way you can somebody who you are in a committed relationship with, which is what he's shown you by doing this without even asking first.

It would also be helpful if you could access counselling for your previous traumas, as this has clearly brought a lot of that back.

You didn't do anything wrong. He overstepped the mark - which is why I think he should be an ex-FWB - for your own safety.

I have tried to get counselling before but the rape crisis were spectacularly unhelpful and tbh I had a lot of other stuff going on at the time that took priority.

I did have some years later but I was only allowed to talk about one specific issue as there was no time for anything else so we never got to the rape/assault bits. I thought I was mostly ok but then every now and then it flares up again