Not sure how to feel about this incident!

[Sharkirasharkira]

Had a date with a fwb the other day and one thing led to another.

During dtd he put his hand around my neck and started to choke me - I DON'T do choking as I've had an ex beat and choke me in a non sexual context before and it completely makes me freak out, I start to fight back and panic so I always tell potential sexual partners this.

I'm sure I told fwb this before but the last time we saw each other was several months ago so I guess he had forgotten but it completely freaked me out and I couldn't tell him to stop because I couldn't breathe or speak. Fortunately it was right before he 'finished' so it only lasted maybe 5-10 seconds and I was fine about it afterwards once it had all stopped. I don't blame him, I honestly don't think he knew it would upset/affect me.

Since then I've had terrible nightmares and flashbacks about being raped, attacked and beaten. Woke up drenched in sweat and having a panic attacks, heart pounding and couldn't breathe - that feeling of being unable to breathe freaked me out even more, leading to more panic and so on and so forth. Had another panic attack at work today and almost passed out, I was shaking like mad, went dizzy and my legs almost went out under me.

Feeling really ridiculous and like this is a massive overreaction on my part, also feel guilty because if I hadn't slept with this guy it wouldn't have happened. Not sure what to do now, I feel traumatised and so stupid!

It is not ok for anyone to do something like wo consent.
The fab should NEVER have assumed your consent.

It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s not you overreacted, it’s you having been raped before by a man and now having had a sexual act done on you wo your consent (aka you agreed to sex but not to sex with choking).

And it’s not your fault because you went out and agreed to sex with him. No more that it’s anyone fault for being raped.

FWIW what you described sounds closed to PTSD. Maybe go and see your GP about it to see if there is anything available where you are.
Otherwise there are also very good counsellors around (but I wouod shop around a bit to see which one really works for you - ask if they are used to deal with abuse/rape etc... for example)

Have a look online to see whether your area offers IAPT and if it's self referring - that might be a different way of accessing help (and will be less likely to be that style of counselling).

You are not overreacting.

I've never had a traumatic experience like you but I would still be fucking livid and upset if someone did this to me.

You should blame him op it is absolutely not ok that he did that to you at all. A lot of women without your history would react so it’s no surprise that you have

Please break it off now with him

Choking is normal? Fuck. Things have changed a lot in 20 odd years.

I guess I’m a bit vanilla by today’s standards, but I can’t imagine enjoying doing that to someone unless I really didn’t like them very much (in which case I wouldn’t be having sex with them anyway).

It’s a bit domineering / borderline rapey to me, and I’d be seriously wandering why a new partner wanted me to do it to her, assuming she asked me to.

What an awful experience, I'm not surprised you're having flashbacks. Being strangled is not 'normal practice' at all, it's horrible and, frankly, I can't understand why a man would want to choke a woman with whom he is being intimate. It's hardly tender and loving. I suppose porn fuels this sort of thing.

I sincerely hope you are not going to entertain this man again.

And yet so many on here insist porn is harmless and healthy even.🤔

I would have gone absolutely ballistic on his arse! What a creep. Don’t ever see him again and tell him why. He’s lucky you aren’t reporting him to the cops.

WTAF?

You are under reacting and minimising.
I have no such similar backstory and would be utterly traumatised if someone did anything this to let. It’s sounds terrifying and scary.

To reiterate...
Totally NOT NORMAL and totally NOT OKAY that he did this.

Please please please do not see this man again.
I would recommend you try counselling again and dump this arsehole.
He doesn’t respect you or women.

I read this to my DP his response was “holy hell. This is not normal. What he did was dangerous and frightening she should get as far away from him as possible”
I don’t disagree...

I think sex should always be consented for first.
That means that if you start with ‘vanilla’ (or normal) sex and then you

• start doing anal wo the consent of your partner, it’s rape
• remove your condom when you had agreed on using one before, it’s rape
• start chocking your partner when they Bant agreed to it before (let alone when they had told you NO before), then it’s rape.

FWIW chocking has been around the BDSM word for a while. However (good) BDSM involves consent and talking before hands about boundaries and what is or isn’t acceptable. It’s not because ‘most people do it now’ that it means consent can be assumed. Ever.

WTF😳

Of course you are upset.

Absolutely unbelievable.

I have never heard of this.

The thing is. It’s actually really dangerous. I knew of a guy who grabbed a woman’s throat (ok yes it was in anger not sex but still) and she was breathing fine. All normal etc. Next day she dropped dead. You can die weeks later from being choked/strangled. Guys don’t always know their own strength and in the heat of the moment it’s easy to squeeze a bit too hard.

I’ve actually resigned myself to probably being celibate now for the rest of my life as I don’t want to be choked, I don’t want anal, I don’t want “facials” etc etc. I guess I am very boring vanilla! Thing is, 20 years ago that was fine. Men still wanted to sleep with me. Now I feel like they want a “performance” and I just don’t want to. Add to that, all they seem able to do is bang away like a pneumatic drill! Which isn’t really that pleasurable when it’s all they do! It’s all become way more hassle than it’s worth.

Anyway OP. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you have no reason to feel shame or embarrassment about your feelings. Please don’t feel you are somehow “abnormal” and that every one else is doing it, because they’re not. He very much overstepped the mark and he shouldn’t have done that.

Ok speaking as someone in the SM community (and really enjoys this), I must say it is most definitely not 'normal'. I haven't met anyone outside the scene who is into this and nor is it acceptable (EVER) to do this without consent.

I am so sorry. It is absolutely reasonable to be suffering after years. I was brutally sexually assaulted decades ago and although that maybe has lead to some of my sexual quirks, I still have awful nightmares about it. You need to seek therapy and moreover you need to tell your FWB that what he did was unacceptable and that you will not be having sex with him again. I wouldn't. That's a massive line to cross.

FWB seems a dodgy thing to get into, there are a lot of weird guys all over, and it all sounds a bit sleazy.

Of course you should blame him, what the fuck was he doing?

This has nothing to do with whether chocking is normal or usual, this has to do with consent. You did not consent to this, he should not have done it. Consenting to sex does not equal consenting to anything S&M related. People who do engage in S&M understand this, discuss everything in advance and only proceed if both partners are happy with all the details. This is not something you try out with someone without making it very clear, in advance, that they are OK with it.

Please dump him.

I've heard of this so often in the last few years, but it was never heard of years ago (except for the Tory MP who died through auto-erotic asphyxiation) - it certainly wasn't normal for a couple to do that sort of thing, never mind a FWB.

No wonder you are reacting badly now. I would think I was being murdered if someone did that to me. To do it without any warning and without taking any notice of your reaction (or even more chillingly, getting off on your reaction) is horrific.

I’ve actually resigned myself to probably being celibate now for the rest of my life as I don’t want to be choked, I don’t want anal, I don’t want “facials” etc etc. I guess I am very boring vanilla! Thing is, 20 years ago that was fine. Men still wanted to sleep with me

My younger single days were about twenty years ago too...this shit was unheard of. I'll join you in celibacy if my oh gets fed up of me!

Sadly I think this is quite normal now

I DON'T do choking as

Young women feel that they have to justify not doing this nowadays?

Fuck's sake.

OP, drop the fucker in the bin.

That sounds very scary, he was a selfish arsehole & it wouldn't have been acceptable even if you hadn't told him about your past experiences.

I had a guy grab my neck during our first sex session luckily it wasn't with any force & he quickly let go when I requested, it still shook me up. Something like that should only be done with prior discussion & trust, to me its more assault than anything sexual/enjoyable & if not consenting then really that's exactly what it is, assault.

Definitely see your GP to get some help to deal with the trauma. Some charities also offer low cost counseling which often isn't as limited or as long waiting lists as NHS.

OP, hugs to you.

Either talk to him or ditch him. Your call for what you deem best but none of it is an overreaction. Do you think you can be intimate again after this or does it cause anxiety thinking about it? If it does cause stress/anxiety/worry, just walk away. FWB is about the benefit, not discomfort.

That should say instead "do you think you can be intimate with him again..."

I don't blame him, I honestly don't think he knew it would upset/affect me.

He didn't think choking you where you couldn't breathe or speak would upset you? That's not a 'thing' that just happens in bed and you hope they enjoy it! Do you think if you kicked him in the groin so he doubled over you could say afterwards 'thought you might like it? Didn't realise you wouldn't'.

Please don't see him again.

Don't see him again. He's got this from porn. I'm hearing things from younger women that have me in shock re what kind of things fellas just expect these days. Makes my hair stand on end.
Things that were considered "niche" and definitely weren't introduced suddenly are now becoming the norm.
Girls are in fear of being labelled frigid if they don't want anal, ejaculation over their face, hairpulling etc and choking is even worse as it is downright dangerous violence.
How can it be anything but assault??
I'm very sorry you had that horrible experience. He should NEVER have done that. Ffs the consequences could've been unthinkable.