I did life wrong.

[BlubBlob]

I have so many regrets. I regret not working hard in finding friendships when I was in school or focusing on dating and having relationships.

One of my school friends has gotten married to someone she met in sixth form and it made me feel left behind and like I did life wrong. I should have tried harder to make friends with people, and did things and tried to have a normal teenage life and go partying and get drunk and have sex.

If I could go back in time to my teenage years, I wish I wouldn’t have been such a boring, nerdy goody two shoes. It didn’t even amount to anything. I’m unmarried and miserable. I have no children, no husband, no boyfriend, not dating, nothing. I wish I could have gone back and done things differently then I’d have someone I grew up in a relationship with and gotten married and had children with only this person.

At the time I didn’t know how important having and being in a relationship was. I had too many problems of my own and I barely had any friends. I thought I would meet the love of my life in university but that didn’t happen. I was depressed and anxious throughout university so I couldn’t meet anyone and no one showed any interest in me. I feel kind of bad of all the years lost.

It’s possible to meet someone in the future but it won’t be the same as having that teenage hormone filled love that you look back at and remember fondly. I’ll always have some boring adult relationship (that’s if I even have one anyway). I’ve missed out on a lot of common life experiences and I can never get that back.

Sorry to say that the people I know that got married that young are usually quite unhappy now (I am not saying that is the rule for all!) but people change a LOT especially in their later 20's.

I am not married, I am now 38 - do I wish I was? Yes, but do I envy my friends who got married very young, and have had to extricate themselves from very difficult, sad and unhappy marriages with kids as collateral? No way. The ones that I envy are those who waited till they knew themselves, and who were far more secure in who they are and what they wanted.

oh and by the way, 'boring adult relationships' - there is no such thing. Just don't be with a boring adult!

Oh lovely lady, it’s just beginning! 23 just the start of your prime at the world is at your feet. Instead of thinking you’ve gone down the wrong path, look at it this way: you are free to choose any life you want to.
Study, travel, join social groups, learn a language, learn an instrument, join a sporting team, go and get drunk, have all the sex (safely!) my god, your possibilities are endless. I bet one day soon, you will meet someone and you’ll look back and thank god for the choices you’ve made up until that point because they brought you to the person you are supposed to be with. And until then, enjoy being on your own and getting to know who you are. That’s what your 20s are all about.

I was your age when I met my husband to be. Married at 30, divorced his abusive arse at 31. Met the love of my life at 33, had our baby last year. Happier than I could have ever dreamed. And even now at 37 I still feel giddy when I look at him, that exciting ‘teenage’ love feeling is still there.

The power to change your fate is solely in your hands. Go out there and do it.

I read your post feeling quite sad for you and very sympathetic. Then I read that you are only 23! Please do not worry and relax. I met my DH aged 33, he was 34. Try not to compare your life with other people’s just do your own thing and relax about the future. Keep busy and it will all come together. Try not to worry.

You are 23 - that is no age at all. Your 20s can be the decade when you make choices that you want. Go out there and do it - make a plan, decide what you want to do for work and go for it. Join some clubs/groups and make new friends. ( and I'd be depressed not envious at the thought of marrying someone I met in school myself).

Also when you can, go see the film Booksmart - very very funny film about 2 girls leaving high school who feel exactly like you - wasted their high school years being nerds.

I met my stbxh when I was 19...fast forward to our early 30s and we are now separated, going through a messy breakup.
There’s no reason why you can’t start dating now! I’ve started to put myself back out there and it does seem like it’s rare to meet a partner outside of online dating now. I know two couples that met online and got married.

I was in exactly your shoes at age 23. That was the year I had my first boyfriend. I was so pleased that I married him and we ended up with two kids. Divorced 5 years ago and I had my first lovestruck teenage experience at age 45 . Didn't last but was fun at the time!

My advice would thus probably be not to jump at the first opportunity you get! But did I "do life wrong"? No, not at all. Even marrying my first boyfriend wasn't "wrong", we lasted a good 20 years and got two lovely children out of it.

Now my son is going to be 20. No gf/bf yet, he's also on the shy / overly careful side. I'm delighted that he's got a life of his own and isn't dependent on a partner. I'd be horrified if I heard him complaining about "all those years lost" as if the only important thing in life was being partnered up. I really hope you don't honestly think that's the main thing in life.

I have a bf now but I'm living alone. It's important to learn to be self-reliant, as in the end, even if you're married, you're still a separate person who needs to be able to support themselves without the help of a partner.

OP. You haven't done life wrong.
You can do all sorts of things and 23 is so young to be married with children.
You have freedom. You could go travelling, move to a big city, study, decide on what to do with your life.
Lots of people haven't had a date at 43 never mind 23.
You haven't failed.
Now stop feeling sorry and regretful and start living your life.
I am much older than you and you can do most things on your own.
Hugs are a bit tricky.
You can go on holidays on your own, go to events on your own.
Try joining things like volunteering or sports clubs (running, climbing, Kayaking) or join a choir or a church or do evening classes or go dancing. Whatever. Give it a whirl.
Like John Lennon said Life is what happen when you are busy making other plans.
Embrace and liberate your inner Edith Piaf - regret nothing and live la vie en rose.

(and I'll go back to being cross with DP for being a selfish twat)

Another one astonished that you’re only 23. Youvsounded a bit like a friend of mine in their 50s! You’re only beginning life as a grown-up. I only know one person who married someone they were at school with - and they weren’t even boyfriend and girlfriend at school - and that was after they reconnected in their 30s!

WTAF. I thought you were going to say you are in your 60's.

I missed out on stuff because I did have boyfriends. I was an idiot who spent too much time with them and not enough with friends or for me. I lost myself and I'm now 30 am just finding myself again. I have a husband and a dd but it's even more stark now that I realise the freedom I've lost from having a child and what I didn't do when I could have.

23! Relax! I hate to sound cynical but I was the same as you (in terms of no boyfriends in my teen years) and the majority of the marriages you're hearing about now will come to an end...30 seemed to be the prime time for divorces rolling in! I met my DH when I was 23- it wasn't boring, it was exciting and lovely and we do look back fondly on our early dating life together! We married at 28 and had our first DC a few months later, now expecting our second at 31. Also, relationships (as in, romantic ones) are certainly not the most important thing at all. Friendships, family, self-care/love etc are all hugely important factors in happiness. If that weren't the case then everyone in a couple would be happy/fulfilled which is not the case at all - check out other threads on the relationships board for a reality check! You don't need someone else to make your life worth living. Stop regretting things and comparing yourself to other people and live your life!

Sex and dating as a teenager is awful and honestly, it isn’t great in your 20s either so please don’t get yourself down.

I was a nerdy teenager (though I did date and have boyfriends), I was not out partying. Studying and a career were much more important to me then. It did feel lonely at the time but looking back I feel no sadness about it now.

All those people who partied and had boyfriends and got married early and were really popular...we’re in our 30s now and they’re all divorcing their second husbands! They had kids early so they didn’t build the careers the rest of us did. They’re all quite miserable and at a bit of a dead end now and stressing about how they’ve never done anything with their lives!

Meanwhile those of us who didn’t take that path, have done lots of interesting things with our lives, have good solid careers, met partners and had children in our early to late 30s and are mostly happy and stable. We had time to figure out who we were first before signing up for those commitments.

I didn’t meet my dh until I was 28. I don’t even feel like life began until I was almost 30. Focus on yourself and what you want your future to look like. The best times really are to come.

Also - you shouldn't have a career yet at 23!

23!! Wow. I read your post as though you were 50! Chill dude. Seriously. At 23 I hadn’t even been to Uni. I had a fiancée who ended up shagging my best mate and I lost my house, job, fiancée and all of my friends at aged 25 and had to start completely from scratch. A good friend of mine died in a car accident at 23. An old school friend of mine got married to her school BF at that age and ended up 10 years later a single mum and very acrimoniously divorced...my point is that everybody’s lives are going to pan out differently. You’re just at the beginning. If I was you, I’d get some CBT and plan to go travelling around Australia/NZ for a year. If you do those two things, your life will look totally different and much more exciting this time next year. You can’t turn back time so you can’t now get married to your school BF but what you can do is do the things your friend now can’t do. Go see the world. Go back to uni and do something exciting like physiotherapy in a really cool student city like Bristol or Newcastle. Go somewhere where it’s fun fun fun. Go live in a student houseshare and join every group going. Go do postgrad studies. These are things your just married school friend isn’t going to do. You’ve got no responsibilities. The other thing I would do is a season in a ski chalet in the Alps if I was your age. Everybody I know who did that had the best time and made loads of friends. Or crew on a luxury yacht or go do Camp America. Christ, I wish I was 23 again!! Don’t waste it! Go sign up for lots of exciting things.

The first bf I had, at 23, was German, as I had moved to Germany, after living in France and Switzerland. Wouldn't have been travelling about if I'd already had a bf. As I stayed in Germany and had to learn the language, my dream career as a translator didn't start for another ten years.

Op you're being far too hard on yourself. My school experience sounds like yours.

Without meaning to sound patronising, you're young. Go out enjoy yourself. I met my now husband when I was 27 - until then I'd never had a serious relationship and we've now been together 12 years. Things have over the years also clicked into place re my career.

Honestly don't stress about it at this point, or put unnecessary pressure on yourself. What I have found re people from my school that settled young is that quite a lot of them (not all) are now divorced or generally unhappy having grown up and apart in doing so. In hindsight I'm glad I met my husband later as it worked well for me.

Absolutely no one has their life sorted at 23 OP, even those that look like they do. Many of us are still getting our shit together years down the line! At 23 I think I was just about to do an internship in the career I have ended up being successful in (which at 37 I now want to change) and lived in a box room in a shared house with people I really didn't get on with!

You absolutely have time, so much time. Don't be so hard on yourself and just start taking small steps towards what you think will make you happy.

It sounds like you're placing all your self worth on if you have a man or not. It's cliche but you need to learn to love yourself first. Yes your friend may have married their childhood sweetheart but they probably have other regrets - who knows, maybe she wishes she'd sowed her wild oats.

You're never too old to find love and I've seen people in their 80s behave like a loved up teenager when in a new relationship. Don't be so hard and down ok yourself.

WOW you are only 23!!
I thought you would say 45 by the way you were writing.
You have soooo much of your life to look forward to! My life was a bit of a mess at 23 I'm now 30 and couldn't be happier. My career didn't take off till I was 27. Only good things to come ✌️😎

As most have said, I expected you to be much older with the way you're complaining about life.
I fully agree with those that say teen relationships usually end anyway - it took me until I was 31 to realise my husband was a complete dickhead (we met when I was 18).
Within 10 years you're completely different people.
What I do regret from being a bit nerdy like you, isn't the partying or boyfriends - it's not making any real friends. At 35 I still don't have any and I do feel I really missed out. Yeah I missed out on really understanding dating but it doesn't matter, you have years left to make tons of dating mistakes like the rest of us.

You write beautifully.

Why do you put so much emphasis on finding your partner so early? People who do that are in a minority.

No answer is needed. Just reflect on that.

There is nothing wrong with you. Go, and unfold gently.

Oh my god I had AWFUL relationships in my teens. Not even relationships- infatuations resulting in a quick fumble at a party. In fact apart from one blip of a lovely boyfriend in my early twenties, my dating life was a disaster and definitely produced more problems than it solved. I think the sex I had in my teens really damaged me long term. You honestly did not miss out. I am in a happy relationship now that I got in when I was 31. It is not all roses obviously and is hard work at times but I feel very thankful I have it. But yeah...teenage love is really not something that exists in the main. Just in the movies.

You’re 23???? Oh jaysus. Book a one way ticket to Asia and have a ball. You’ve got sooo much bad sex to look forward to!