Potential date and drinking

[loveyoutothemoon]

Seems to be a bit of a drinker, how do you ask how much they drink without sounding accusatory?

Daytime date, see if he wants a drink ? Think you probrably just need to see how it goes

If you haven't been on a date how do you know they're 'a bit of a drinker'. What does this mean exactly? An alcoholic? A binge drinker? Or do you not drink/barely drink and they just drink more than you?

Why would you ask how much they drink ??

As hopeful said, have a date inn the daytime. But make it a trip to something specific rather than a meal out. See if he tries to squeeze in an alcohol opportunity

Best to just observe. If someone has a drink problem they're not going to admit to it, or to the extent of it, particularly to someone they're trying to impress. At best you'll get an answer like, "just socially" which is meaningless as can mean anything and might even be a lie. What makes you think they're "a bit of a drinker"?

Says that tonight he'll only have a few beers before bed as he's out of gin and vodka, I may be wrong but that sounds as though it's the norm for him. Maybe he doesn't do it every day, but then a lot of people do and don't rely on it, or do they?

So I replied with that I "rarely drink just if I go out for tea or something" so I didn't sound judgy (we weren't just chatting about that, it was other things as well. He said "I drink most days but I'm not an alcy"

It sounds like your drinking habits are incompatible. I wouldn't bother with the date tbh, if I were you.

'ONLY have a few beers tonight' on a Tuesday? And that he's out of gin and vodka?

Unless he's joking, I'd run a mile!

And I'm quite fond of my (weekend) wine

What do you call ‘a bit of a drinker’? On Mumsnet some people seem to be horrified by anything more than a small glass of sherry at Christmas.

If I was going on a ‘date’ at lunchtime, or more realistically as my dating days are done, meeting a friend for lunch I would certainly have a glass of wine in the daytime. Does that constitute a drink problem? .

If you really don’t drink at all or only on ‘special occasions’ then perhaps you are not compatible?

His responses would definitely be a red flag for me, but I have a heightened sensitivity around drinking habits.
It depends on what you are happy with, but if you are already slightly concerned I would tread carefully.

It doesn't sound like you have incompatible drinking habits :( sorry op, I wouldn't go on the date.

The fact that he is having to substitute another drink because he is out of one type would worry me. If he just liked a gin why would he bother.

If you go on a date and he plans when he can have a drink or forces a situation where he can get one that's a definite worry.

But frankly having an alcoholic ex I would just steer clear! I made excuses at the beginning because I never drank at home and neither did my family so it was hard to judge if I was the exception or he was!

^"I drink most days but I'm not an alcy"*
This is NOT a good sign. Anyone who says they aren't - while admitting to daily drinking, is half-way there IMO.

Thanks for the comments. I had an ex too who drank every night and it caused issues. The thing is, we've kind of mentioned that we'd both be happy having a casual thing, seeing each other maybe once a week or fortnight due to circumstances (and that's all before a date lol). We might not even like each other!

I used to have a real problem with drink and that's the sort of thing I'd have come out with. I don't drink at all any more. Honestly though, heavy drinkers are best avoided if you're not one yourself. It's a whole lifestyle, which is something to think about. If you like mornings, for example, they are pretty much out if you're with someone who has been overdoing it the night before. It affects where they want to go and where they don't. Of course there are WAY worse issues that I could testify to, but really if you have a choice why go for someone who at best has "incompatible drinking habits" (as a poster wisely wrote above), at worst is at the early stages of developing a possible drink problem or just is happy being a heavier drinker?

It would be a red flag for me. Mainly because I dated a guy last year who turned out to be an alcoholic! I'm not saying he is, but his comment about being out of gin and vodka would raise alarm bells.
The only good thing is he;s not hiding it. He could just like a drink most nights but there is a fine line.

Thanks all. My question to the people who said not to go on a date with him-If you were in my shoes would you consider it even if you wanted something low key/just to see them once or twice a fortnight? I've been very happily single for a long time, but recently thought it would be nice to fall in love. Not sure that I could see someone like this without falling in love. It could be quite convenient for us both though...I'm not sure what I want really!
He seems really nice but could do with ruling him out so I can move on.

This is all a bit pearl-clutchy. Were I to meet a friend to do something nice, or go for a date, at lunchtime, I would absolutely consider (one) quick pint at lunchtime. To suggest that would mean a 'drink problem' is just unreal.

Your post sounds conflicted - on one hand you say you want to fall in love the other you just want someone to see once a week. If it's the first definitely not if it's the second maybe but probably the drink will always come first so actually they are not good company!

You want something casual but recently thought it would be nice to fall in love.

Those two things don't really go together, do they? And makes you sound about 14.

And if you rarely drink, but he drinks most days - and clearly more than a glass of wine with a meal - this doesn't have the makings of a great success, does it?

He has a problem for you and maybe for himself. It’s ok not to go and move on. You maybe a long way into the relationship before you see the true extent of it. Then you maybe hooked.

You’re not compatible...

Neither is ‘casual’ & ‘wanting to fall in love’

Give yourself a better chance of finding someone more compatible who wants to ‘start sliw’ But is open to a relationship (with you, not a bottle).

His comments are not normal for someone who isn’t alcohol dependent. Especially not to someone they haven’t yet even met

I genuinely don't think you should go OP. You said yourself that you might not be able to stop yourself falling for him. Its all very well saying it might start as something casual but you can't control your feelings.
I see disaster written all over this.

I don’t read any pearl clutching responses here. The man is described as drinking everyday and when out of spirits will have a few beers. That is a yard mile away from a sherry at Christmas or a beer after work.

I think you need to see this as a fault line. This is heavy drinking and either he doesn’t realise it or he will be minimising. You have not formed a relationship with him yet so I would give it up.

I say that as someone who came on here expecting to say otherwise. My DP drank a lot on our first date and I did wonder. Turns out he was nervous and he isn’t a drinker at all. Very much the sherry at Christmas type.