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Original poster

Advice to get husband to help with cleaning?

64 replies

Popz · 09/07/2019 14:58

Hi everyone, I'm hoping I can get some advice! My husband and I both work at the same company, and travel together, so we are both out of the house for the same amount of time.

I wake up at 5am to get ready, clean the bathroom, make the sandwiches and get breakfast ready, and then tidy the kitchen once everyone's eaten, make the beds once husbands up, then leave the house at 6. My husband wakes up at 5.55 and just gets his clothes on, eats breakfast and leaves. In the evening I cook while he relaxes, hoover the house while dinners cooking, and tidy the bedrooms, dust etc and put on the washing.

I've asked for help but he just says it's my choice to wake up early, and to do the tidying in the evening, and he doesn't care if the house is untidy/smelly/a pigsty.

His family home is like a horders dream, theyve never hoovered, they do the washing up once every two weeks, you can't even see the floor due to stuff, and the bathrooms are covered in a layer of dust. So I understand why he doesn't see cleaning as important as his family never did anything!

We don't currently have any children but are hoping to start a family in the next few years, and I'd like to get the cleaning issue resolved before then? I don't really want to just stop, but I also feel a bit taken for granted that I do literally everything with regards to the house, and he just expects it.

Does anyone have any advice? At my wit's end!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 09/07/2019 16:25

Did you not live together before getting married?

His family home is like a horders dream ... So I understand why he doesn't see cleaning as important as his family never did anything!
If he lived with a messy partner that might be relevant. But he has chosen a neat partner. His choice.

he doesn't care if the house is untidy/smelly/a pigsty
So say you smoked in the bedroom, and he complained, then you could say that you don't care if the bedroom stinks of smoke, and that would make it OK?
How did he ever get a partner if he has just always done what suits him only, without caring what the other person feels about it?

Lordamighty · 09/07/2019 16:30

I would be seriously concerned that his parents live like hoarders & he sees nothing wrong with it.
Whatever you do don’t have a child with him.
If you want to keep the house clean for your own well-being then carry on but you need to stop doing things for him. Separate washing loads for a start. No breakfast or lunches made for him. Personally I wouldn’t cook for him either but only you can make that decision.

MarieG10 · 09/07/2019 16:40

What I don't understand is why you married someone who is so lazy? Was he not like this before?

This would drive me insane. Why is it you have to clean up his mess just because he is happy to live in a shit hole?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2019 16:43

What are you getting out of this relationship?

You sound like a mother figure to him.

Do not bring a child into this whatever you do. Tbh I would not want to stay with him, he is very much a product of his own upbringing. Leave him to his own devices and filth.

UpToTheRigs · 09/07/2019 16:46

My advice is do not have kids with this man. You will grow to hate him and you will feel trapped because of the children. Get out now while it's simple to do so and find someone semi functional to reproduce with.

Meowington · 09/07/2019 16:54

There are LOTS of posts on MN from exhausted women who had children with men like this and are now shocked that they do the majority of the chores and the childcare while their DP/DH’s life hasn’t really changed.

Do not have children with this person!

MMmomDD · 09/07/2019 17:07

How about a new routine:
Morning: each get their own breakfast,... no need to clean the bathroom, sleep in!
After work:

  • YOU: tidy up (although w/o kids and both working, not sure how much tidying is needed), or hoover if you need to do it for your allergies...
  • HE: makes dinner
  • YOU: clean up kitchen after dinner

Split laundry unto his/hers - each does their own when there is a full load. Or when they feel like it.

You both are opposite extremes: your cleaning is bordering on OCD, he is a slob. Don’t have kids until you sort out a compromise...

PickAChew · 09/07/2019 17:51

Don't make excuses for him. DH grew up in a grubby, cluttered house and is pretty adept at cleaning.

And don't have kids with this man unless you want even more work to do because he will not step up.

raspberryk · 09/07/2019 18:15

Make him pay for a cleaner. Stop making his food and doing his washing.

SignedUpJust4This · 09/07/2019 19:41

People in house shares manage to work this shit out. Why do men suddenly become so incapable in relationships? Sort your own shit out. Don't do anything for him. You are not his mother. When the bathroom needs cleaning shout 'oi! Dickhead! The bathrooms a shit hole and its Your turn to clean it. Unless you are a sexist prick who believes women should do all that? Sort it out you lazy prick'

Keep doing that and after a few years you will have a fully house trained male.

ZazieTheCat · 09/07/2019 19:44

No kids yet? Then get a new husband before you have any.

I can tolerate a bit of disagreement over standards as long as both partners are doing a reasonable amount. You just work that out over time.

But doing nothing? Not acceptable.

Expressedways · 09/07/2019 19:47

Since him doing his fair share clearly isn’t going to happen and you won’t stoop to his level and live in a hoarder’s hovel I only see two options:

  • Hire a cleaner (I’d insist on this being a 50:50 split if you don’t have combined finances)
  • Leave him
Malvinaa81 · 09/07/2019 20:29

Sorry but I doubt he will ever change.
Trying to change a partner is exhausting and demoralising- and it doesn't work.

The first thing is to absolutely forget about having a child. This would add to your problems 100 fold, and possibly harm your mental well-being.

And I suppose the second thing is to consider leaving him.

The alternative is just carry on with your life now (which has caused you to make your post on MN) probably getting worse- men can get far worse with age as regards tidiness and cleaning and even hygiene.

Chovihano · 09/07/2019 20:31

why did you marry him when you knew hw was like this? It's how he's been raised and normal to him, he isn't going to change for you.
Do you want to be with a man like this, I know I wouldn't.

Petitprince · 09/07/2019 20:41

My husband grew up in a spotless house, I grew up in a messy one. Ours is partway between the two, but hd cleans more than I do, and re cleans after I do. It does cause some strife but mostly we compromise and it works. You may find you need to lower your standards and clean weekly not daily.

fedup21 · 09/07/2019 20:44

I wouldn’t want to wake up early and start clearing before going off to work-I can understand why he doesn’t.

Presumably he accepts that he needs to eat and clean clothes to wear though.

Make him in charge of cooking and washing clothes in the evening and you do the cleaning?

FelixFelicis6 · 09/07/2019 20:53

Nothing will change, why would it? He is who he is, doesn’t care about doing his share, particularly when he has you to do everything for him. I’d find this so unattractive in a partner. Please don’t have children with him, you’ll still have to do the same now plus everything with the children. There are so many women on MN in this situation.

ComeAndDance · 09/07/2019 21:03

Re it being your choice to get up in the am and that it could be done in the evening.

I’ll tell you what happens in my house atm.
I have a chronic illness that means I can only do so much and then need a break/rest.
That means that I might let’s say have b’fast, then rest then start cleaning the kitchen. Which is what I do during the week when H goes away to work (I start much kater I’m in the am)
At the weekends, H likes to do everything one after the other and moans that I dint ‘help’. Well I can’t (I need the rest) but wouod be happy to do so IF he was giving the opportunity to do so by not expecting me to just and clean the kitchen on HIS timescale.

Same with your DH. It might well be that he doesn’t like getting up early and perfers to do things in the house at the end of the day. That’s his prerogative. But if you jump and do it all BEFORE he has a chance to do it, he never will. And you will also have set up the precedent that all that is YOUR responsibility (so he won’t even think about it anymore)

Having said that, my preferred way to dealing with ‘helping’ is to have a very clear division of tasks.
Eg you do the cleaning of the house (because you know your standards are different) and he is doing all the cooking at shopping.
Yu do the washing and he is doing the ironing etc...
And then DO NOT ever come and ‘help’ when things aren’t going well etc... because you can be sure that formthe first few years such a help will be taken as a sign he can relax again and stop doing it (or at least that’s my experience :()

EvaHarknessRose · 09/07/2019 21:06

I think he is not going to change. You will have to decide if he brings enough to the table that you will do all this and more when/if you have children. If you can’t accept this now, then you will be homicidal towards him within 10 years, in which case I would leave now.

starzig · 09/07/2019 21:14

I used to do most of the cleaning. Got fed up and just stopped. He does most of it now.

HUZZAH212 · 09/07/2019 21:39

People get up an hour early to clean the bathroom? 😐

OhamIreally · 09/07/2019 21:56

@starzig how did that work? Did he just realise that stuff was not getting done? How long did it take?

Academic in my case as I'm single but would be good to hear!

starzig · 09/07/2019 22:11

I would do the odd bit if anything got really bad but just stopped the big weekly clean. After about 3 month he first decided to do a deep clean in the bathroom and kitchen and that got him on a bit of a roll and although it has tailed a bit, he now does more than me. He does go through phases of being proactive and phases of procrastinating though.
I always do the washing though.

Heartofglass12345 · 09/07/2019 22:17

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS
MAN!
You will end up with an extra child to look after (him)
He will expect you to still do all these things and look after a baby. You are his wife, not his mother! What would he do if you didn't make his lunch every day? Do all his washing? Why are you doing all the cooking? Fair enough if you like things exceptionally clean, you can do it, but he can still do basic things like hoovering and doing the dishes.
If I were you I would expect big, long term changes before even thinking about kids, and I would seriously be considering what you get from this relationship and possibly a divorce!

SmallAndFarAway · 09/07/2019 22:18

For all that is holy, do not have children with him and stop doing his share (do you 'help'? No. Nor should he, he should do his share).

And I highly recommend the book 'Wifework'.

He might change, if you lay it out to him. Or he might not. But believe me, you do not want to have children with someone who won't do their share of the housework, it's difficult enough anyway. It's manageable now, it won't be if you have a newborn baby and have to do all the housework that has multiplied tenfold overnight. Read some old threads here - it's not a small thing.

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