Sister won't start her own life after recovery from illness

[Concernedsis123]

NC for this one. Looking for some opinions or advice on this, as it's a delicate situation but one that really needs addressing.

I have a younger sister who will turn 27 soon. She had a difficult time in her early twenties, firstly she hated the course she chose to do at uni, but decided to stick it out and get her degree. Unfortunately just before her final year, she had some major health issues which led to her dropping out. It was an awful time, she had multiple surgeries and was in a lot of pain. This went on for about a year. Obviously we were all very worried and she was naturally very distressed and anxious.

Thankfully she came through it and has made huge improvements, but does still have some pain from time to time. She's mostly able to live a normal life though.

Here's where we come to the problem... it has been five years since her last surgery and she made a good recovery from it. She has been in pretty good health for the last few years, but she has done nothing with her life. She lives at home with our parents in a small village, and is totally dependent on them. She is just existing day to day. If anyone suggests thinking about courses she could do, or jobs she might like, she either shuts down completely or gets angry and defensive.

My dad's career was quite demanding and he's ready to retire now, but he's afraid to while he's basically supporting my sister. She won't apply for benefits because jobseekers is the only one she could be entitled to, and she doesn't want to look for a job. My mum is worried about the situation, but feels sorry for her and is ultimately enabling her.

I think there could be mental health issues at play (possibly depression or anxiety) and I know she has had counselling in the past, but it didn't seem to have helped. Again, if you try to talk about it, no matter how gently, she shuts down the conversation.

I'm totally at a loss and I don't know how to get her to do something, anything, to move her life forward. And allow my dad to enjoy his retirement.

It’s not really your problem, OP, and there isn’t anything you can do, as long as your parents continue to accept and enable the situation.
It’s their home, they are adults, and if your father is worried about retirement and finances then he needs to broach that with your sister.
You could try having a gentle discussion with your DM about whether she is actually harming her DD by keeping her trapped at home in enabled dependency, but if she refuses to engage, you’d have to leave it.

I get what you're saying Babdoc but it's very hard to watch. Also my parents won't be around forever and what then? If there's any way to encourage her I want to try.

What Babdoc wrote. Unfortunately you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped and that includes your parents. They are making choices to behave as they are for their own reasons so they are all at fault.

I think you are right to be concerned, long term your parents aren’t doing her any favours. She’s already got a 5y gap in paying into pension and NI and while in your 20s you can get away with having gap years time off or travelling, not having a job before 30 is going have huge impact over all.

At some point she will have to sign on or get a job. Unless your parents will fund her for the next 30y then leave house and everything to her for the future because “she needs it”.

I know someone like this refuses to sign on for ESA or JSA it’s a total waste of a life. If you really can’t work because of health issue like anxiety then you need a push to get ESA and treatment. As hard as it is allowing her to not face up to anxiety and at least try and get help and support will only make things worse in the long term. I have a long term health issue and I’ve had jump through DWP hoops no one was there offering me free home and cash.

Do you spend any time together doing anything? Does she have any interest or any sort of thing you could get involved In together?

Would agree with others that this is not really your problem, OP, and you cannot really push for anything, as long as your parents keep putting up with and enabling it. And I understand your concern for your parents. But they need to deal with it. And quite frankly, if and when they pass away, your sister is not your problem. She'll have to tackle her finances etc then by herself. That said, long-term pain and serious health issues can at times cause quite a deep depression and anxiety, so I would assume this isn't mere feckless laziness though.

I think you should MYOB , and I say that as someone in a very similar situation .

It's the concern of your parents and her. My niece is a bit like that, although she does have a job, but you know, my sister and her h are adults, so is she, something is working for them so I think, crack on then. Not my business.

I think all you can do OP is encourage your DP's to work on their boundaries for your sister's benefit in the long run.
It seems highly likely that mental health issues are playing a role.

Would framing the question in terms of being concerned about your parents be a better way to talk about the situation?

I think your suggestion of mental health problems is worth exploring further, with your sister and parents.

It must have been a huge think to be so ill so young and to have missed out on so much already.

A frank honest one way conversation is needed, however realise its not that simple.... The longer your parents enable her the worse the situation will get.

Yes this is for your parents and her to discuss but I don't think it would hurt to tell your DPs you are concerned about them all.

Your mum could fill in all the forms on your sister’s behalf and state that she is unable, because of her mental health issues. Your mother needs to accept that either her daughter is work shy and entitled OR has mental health problems. Your parents need to realise that they are not actually helping their daughter but permitting her to waste her life and she will be unable to cope when they die.

I have a brother like this, he didn't go through what your sister did, which must have been horrible for her; however he has adhd, he lives with my mum (he is 27) doesn't go out, has absolutely no life skills, never had a job etc and my mum keeps enabling him. God forbid me and my sister try and talk to my mum about it, as she says 'you worry about your own lives and I'll worry about him' which is very frustrating.
I think the same as you, my mum won't be here forever and I don't know what he would do, I don't think he'd survive and as harsh as it seems, I won't be taking him on at all.
I hope your sister manages to love her life soon.

I feel very sorry for your sister. The illness and surgery she went through must have been devastating. And on top of that she ‘lost’ her degree, which she was working for even though she hated it.

So she’s had all her confidence knocked out of her. Of course she doesn’t want to start another course - because look what happened last time. And of course she doesn’t want to apply for jobs - who would want to explain all that to probably judgmental strangers? It’s an awful situation to be in. And I’m afraid the more she’s pushed the more she’ll retreat into herself.

There’s still time so there’s still hope. All you can really do is encourage her to engage as much as possible in activities she has an interest in - and hope that eventually she’ll want to take one of those interests further.

It’s good that you care about her. (Some of the ‘not your business’ replies here are extraordinary.) But she sounds extremely fragile and shouldn’t be forced into anything.

I have a friend like your sister- same kind of situation but without the complications of poor health.

She’s living with her dp in his home owned outright, and does casual (ie under the table) work occasionally for £50 here and there. I don’t think she’s ever had a job that meets the NI threshold and we left school more than a decade ago.

I mentioned to her about her national insurance contributions, and that she was in a bit of a vulnerable position if anything happened to her DP or if they split. She politely nodded and did fuck all to change anything, so I’m leaving it.

I don’t think you really have any option other than doing something similar.

I would be concerned that your parents would hold off enjoying their retirement because they were worried about supporting her, and I’d be extremely pissed off if they felt they needed to cut their cloth when it came to choosing for carers or homes in old age.

I have a friend whose sister-in-law had cancer in her twenties, made a full recovery, and basically sponged off of her parents for the rest of their lives. I think that you will need to talk to your parents, as they are the ones enabling your sister. Tell them that they are actually hurting your sister's maturity, growth, and long term quality of life. Phrase it that way. Maybe offer suggestions that she segue into workingperhaps part time at first, with a longer term goal that she become self supporting. Of course, your parents may tell you to piss off. At that point, you'll just have to ignore the situation and know that you did what you could. And for those who have told the OP to mind their own businessit is their family/parents, and, to a certain extent, it is their business, and they may well have to pick up the pieces from this situation later on.

Thanks for all the replies.

So she’s had all her confidence knocked out of her. Of course she doesn’t want to start another course - because look what happened last time. And of course she doesn’t want to apply for jobs - who would want to explain all that to probably judgmental strangers? It’s an awful situation to be in. And I’m afraid the more she’s pushed the more she’ll retreat into herself.

This is absolutely true. She has lost her confidence, and the problem is that by trying to encourage her to do things that will help with that, we look like we're putting pressure on her.

She does have a few interests, but nothing she feels any desire to pursue. There is one that she's really good at and that could make her money (she has baked cakes for weddings, parties, etc, and they look really professional) but she only wants to do it as a hobby.

And for those who have told the OP to mind their own business--it is their family/parents, and, to a certain extent, it is their business, and they may well have to pick up the pieces from this situation later on.

Thanks DulciUke, that's one of my concerns. Also (obviously) the fact that a close family member is in this awful position and I want to try to help her get out of it.

I’m in the MYOB camp because perhaps , like myself and my husband , the parents do have plans for what to do to ‘enable’ their daughter to live independently and I haven’t discussed that with her older brother because frankly it’s not his problem to worry about . The one thing I should say is that it may be worth mentioning to your parents about paying her NI contributions as at least then she has actually been paying in . It’s described as being self unemployed .

As has been already said, there isn't much you can do. I think your sister is depressed and afraid of starting anything for fear of not completing it or failing.

If your sister was frank with her doctor, the doc would probably write her a sickness note, especially as she hasn't 'moved' much for so long and has no money of her own. Then she could claim Incapacity Benefit (if it is still called that). It would make such a difference to her quality of life to have even a modest amount of money of her own in her purse, she'd have more options than at present. Also your parents wouldn't be giving her pocket money and that would relieve their burden.

Her doctor would be likely to recommend counselling/psychotherapy and that is a journey which would be interesting and insightful for her although harrowing at times (CBD would, I think, be too 'quick' and hard for her; psychodynamic, person centred far more suitable. Just my opinion).

These are the only things I would recommend to her right now because she is obviously scared of any training and can't take any more disappointments.

I do hope things improve for her, op. She's had a rough ride with the knock on effect of her family being anxious. She's still very young though and can recover.

Floralnomad if something happens to either or both of the parents, what then? It definitely will be the OP’s business when she has to pick up the pieces.

OP talk to your parents about the future and what they want for your sister. Short term thinking has been at play for too long and it’s that mindset that has left your Dad in his position.

I’m in the MYOB camp because perhaps , like myself and my husband , the parents do have plans for what to do to ‘enable’ their daughter to live independently and I haven’t discussed that with her older brother because frankly it’s not his problem to worry about.

If the parents are gone and the person doesn't marry, the siblings become next of kin. He may well be worried about the future, like I am. I would suggest you consider telling him you have a plan (he doesn't need all the details) in order to ease his mind. That much is his business.

It's not just about finances either, it's socialisation and quality of life. That's not something that can be planned out by others in advance, the person has to want to do something about it. My sister lives in a rural village, doesn't drive and has no intention to learn. She depends on our parents to go anywhere. Her friends have moved away for uni or for work. It's very isolating and if our parents dropped dead tomorrow, how would she cope?

Of course it's your business , she's your sister!

AgentJohnson I agree about the short term thinking. My dad has the same worries I do, it's mum who wants to bury her head in the sand. I think on some level she doesn't want Dsis to go, and she feels like she needs to look after her, so they've gotten into this weird codependency.

Rachelover40 Thank you for the suggestion about Incapacity Benefit, I will say this to my parents. That could be the path towards treating her mental health issues while giving her a bit of financial independence. Just hope she listens and doesn't freak out at the idea.