Sister won't start her own life after recovery from illness

[Concernedsis123]

NC for this one. Looking for some opinions or advice on this, as it's a delicate situation but one that really needs addressing.

I have a younger sister who will turn 27 soon. She had a difficult time in her early twenties, firstly she hated the course she chose to do at uni, but decided to stick it out and get her degree. Unfortunately just before her final year, she had some major health issues which led to her dropping out. It was an awful time, she had multiple surgeries and was in a lot of pain. This went on for about a year. Obviously we were all very worried and she was naturally very distressed and anxious.

Thankfully she came through it and has made huge improvements, but does still have some pain from time to time. She's mostly able to live a normal life though.

Here's where we come to the problem... it has been five years since her last surgery and she made a good recovery from it. She has been in pretty good health for the last few years, but she has done nothing with her life. She lives at home with our parents in a small village, and is totally dependent on them. She is just existing day to day. If anyone suggests thinking about courses she could do, or jobs she might like, she either shuts down completely or gets angry and defensive.

My dad's career was quite demanding and he's ready to retire now, but he's afraid to while he's basically supporting my sister. She won't apply for benefits because jobseekers is the only one she could be entitled to, and she doesn't want to look for a job. My mum is worried about the situation, but feels sorry for her and is ultimately enabling her.

I think there could be mental health issues at play (possibly depression or anxiety) and I know she has had counselling in the past, but it didn't seem to have helped. Again, if you try to talk about it, no matter how gently, she shuts down the conversation.

I'm totally at a loss and I don't know how to get her to do something, anything, to move her life forward. And allow my dad to enjoy his retirement.

Parents have a responsibility for their children but even they cannot be expected to continue to do so into late adulthood. However, you really do not have an automatic responsibility for a sibling. Next of kin is not akin to a duty to take care of someone.

Why isn't your father discussing this with her? Why is he discussing this with uou? Irrelevant of how difficult it is, it's his job to do so as rhe parent, not yours.

He needs to first agree with your mother. And then they both need to talk to their daughter. Clearly she's had a terrible time, and your mother was terrified of loosing her, and five years is not that long ago. It will still be very fresh in all their minds.

There needs to be a plan to help your sister get her confidence back if that's what she and your parents wish. Be it volunteering for a couple of hours a week, or whatever,

Right now I suspect it seems Impossible to her. She hated her last course, isn't able to get transportation easily to places, still has pain, has little to no work experience, no qualifications. That must feel overwhelming to her.

I would suggest your parents and doctor help her apply for ESA (Employment and Support Allowance). It sounds like she has lost her way and is struggling. Depression and anxiety are absolute beasts, if that is what she has.

Also it would be helpful to get her on the council housing list, as well as any housing associations.

So if she has these on the go as a minimum, hopefully she’ll have a few years’ leeway of learning to budget for herself and perhaps paying a little lodgings out of it at home, whilst building up some waiting time to get a half-decent flat.

I can empathise with her; I find life horribly difficult and I don’t know where I’d be without the benefits system. It took me years to get away from my parents!

Not everyone was built for the treadmill of life, that is for sure.

The thing people need to realise is that there is no more ESA, JSA or Incapacity Benefit (god, that was done away with nearly a decade ago), it's all Universal Credit, which isn't very good for people with MH issues, tbh, delays and sanctions have led to a number of suicides already. And 'council housing waiting list' is non-existent for single people with no dependants in many areas so it's really important to learn what's available in your area because with MH issues, it may be little to nothing.

No such thing as incapacity benefit. New style ESA if she’s paid NI in the last 2 years. Otherwise it’s universal credit.

I imagine your parents being based in a small village won't help either as there probably aren't a lot of options for work or housing locally and it would take a lot of money for her to move somewhere to start a life of her own even if she had the drive. No easy solutions

Maybe take a one step at a time tack, like looking for ways for her to build up her confidence? Sounds like the knock to her confidence could be the root of a lot if it. But make it about her, and her wellbeing, as a good thing in itself, rather than building her confidence is a means to an end I.e. a job.

Plus maybe she just doesn’t know what to do.

groundanchochillipowder

Oh that’s a good point. I’d forgotten about the UC nightmare (I’m still getting ESA for now).

I’ve been on council list ten years. It gives me hope that I’ll get out of my private rent someday soon. (I don’t know about other local authorities.)

My point though is if she is assisted with the tedious online/paperwork of all this nonsense now, while she can still live at home for a bit longer, it might make things a little easier in the future as she’ll already be in the system and familiar with it.

Might be worth at least looking into anyway.

Not everyone was built for the treadmill of life, that is for sure.

I agree with that. Just hope she'll find a way to get through it that gives her a decent quality of life.

TransFannyUltrasound Good suggestion, we'll look into that.

I was like this for a while after having breast cancer. I had lost all my confidence and just wanted to hide away. I didn’t think I was capable of being a useful productive human being anymore.
Eventually I started some volunteering as I was getting so depressed in the house. The volunteering led to an offer of an apprenticeship. I wonder if your sister would consider volunteering?

She's maybe scared to start anything new in case something happens again. Maybe she needs some therapy to help get her motivation back. But the main things it sounds she needs is time and unconditional love.

Are your parents scared of your sister? Have they changed their will so that she can continue to live in their home after they die?

I strongly agree with groundanchochillipowder the new benefits system of Universal Credit is gruelling, especially for people with MH issues.

Unfortunately, when someone is closed, talking to them, ie your mum, Just alienates you.
This never ends well. Such a shame.

She’s been pandered to for too long, but sadly as you’re not her and you’re not your parents either (who are enabling her) there’s really nothing you can do here. Leave the three of them to make their own choices and decisions and get on with your own life. You’re wasting your time trying to get someone to change and do something they don’t want to do, and until your parents realise they’re making things worse nothings gonna improve.

I'm a cowbag so I think I would end up saying something to my sis.
Whatever I said would be about the parents, though.

About giving them back opportunities they have sacrificed so far.
And offering help to the sister if she indicates she'd like it, but mainly asking her to help collaborate in creating a better life for the parents.

OP

She’d be entitled to PIP, around £400 a month, whether she’s on benefits or working as it’s not means tested, and likely she’d be put in the LCW (low capacity for work) group of the UC system, which means she wouldn’t be forced into jobs etc.

Takes the financial load off your DPs if nothing else.

How does she get her commissions for her cakes, is it through friends, word-of-mouth? Maybe focus on her talent for baking as a way to boost her confidence. Is she involved in your life at all, do you take her out for coffee, shopping trips? Not saying you should, just wondering how isolated socially she is.

I think she needs help and support to get back on her feet but the problem with receiving the support from parents is that they are too easily triggered back into being overprotective and treating her like a child, I don't say this to be critical of them I'm sure they have the absolute best intentions.
It sounds as if the long illness has left her a bit 'institutionalized'?

That sounds very very like depression to me. I've had MH issues all my life and bad depression is just like that - a complete inability to do anything - distress and anger when suggestions are made as the panic about the inability is so acute.

I'd take her out for the day somewhere nice but private - a quiet cafe or pub or walk in the country if she's up to it. Tell her you love her and that you think she deserves more from life than this. Ask gentle questions and see what she says.

there is a book called Superbetter written by Jane McGonigal, who overcame inaction and depression after a head injury which left her too sick and dizzy with blinding headaches to do anything with her life. I think it's a brilliant book. It;s not a memoir - it's a gamer's manual on how to play a game with yourself to get better. I used it for depression and I rate it above any other self-help guide for getting you back on your feet when you have zero motivation. Maybe you could take a look at it and if you think she'd benefit from it, offer to get her a copy or suggest she gets it for herself?

She could gave PTSD, i suggest she speaks with her GP for treatment. Physical scars heal quicker then mental ones.

You say you live in a small village, can you utilise any connections within the community to get her out of her home? Given her recent health issues people will hopefully be open to help.

Do you have friends with a small business that she could be employed by for a few hours? Do you know anyone who volunteers and could she spend some time seeing what they do? She may not want to do cakes at the moment as a business, but is she able to make them for local fundraising events? Small steps that get her involved with the community and can boost her confidence.

She is young still but the next few years are so important for planning what she will do in the future. If she can have people supporting her while she increases her confidence hopefully she will become more able to make some plans for herself.